All English Mothers are Terrible

[Considermesometimes]

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

[Sandals19]

@BumbleBeee69

Come on, op's two faced, self righteous, too sweet to be wholesome etc. Like the holier than thou good girl at school who starts every sentence with "I'm not saying that .. but .." andvis basically bitchy as fk but always plays kind and good. We all know them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the nanny is Mary Poppins but ... From the previous thread and this one, op makes me roll my eyes, repeatedly.

[Sandals19]

Oh and lots and lots of advice was given in the last thread - mostly about getting rid of the sneaky, graspy, too glamourous on her day off, perhaps insincere nanny and getting rid of the threat of her abusive DH coming to op's home - and it was clearly all ignored. Including the plan to leave nanny in charge of everything while op goes away soon.

But op's back on for a bit more drama, bitching - and of course validation. All while being the nicest employer ever to employ a nanny.

[selmabear]

I think you need to remind her that you're still her employer and you're still paying her wages. Remind her to treat you and your house with respect and if she chooses not to then she may leave. I'm sure her attitude will change very quickly, I'm assuming she needs the next 6 weeks of wages to help her with the move back to her home country.

[makingmammaries]

I don’t know why people are laying into the OP at this point. Eastern Europeans don’t laugh out of embarrassment, either. Quite rude to laugh in that situation.

[Considermesometimes]

sandals You sound seriously sad, so I am not sure you are either a nanny yourself or do something similar, and are feeling this on a personal level.

However to answer your question, she is still here because I have been too worried about her to ask her to go. I could not do it to her, at one point she was having a very hard time with her dh, and you then expect me to sack her??!! How could I? I have waited until she has come to her own decision about what to do, and have supported her in the meantime. I was the only person she had to turn to, so what if you think I am too nice or too kind or whatever as if that is somehow a bad thing. It is better than being cruel and heartless.

I am not a saint, and I am sure she is sick of tidying up toys accepted, I am sure she is sick to death of life in general atm, we all feel like that from time to time. I wanted to manage this properly, and with the help of posters on here I have been able to.

So just calm down and have a cup of tea, you know you don't have to read or post on any thread that triggers you or makes you feel sad. It is not a crime just to skip the ones that do not appeal to you for whatever reason. I am happy with my decision about what to do in the next few weeks, I have done all that I can for her. My conscience is clear.

[Considermesometimes]

And as you well know sandals she was not glamorous on her day off, she looked and acted like a completely different person!! A bit like seeing Kate Middleton with a punk hair style and a biker outfit with piercings when you least expect it, she looked nothing like her 'normal' self. She has been a gentle quiet young woman when working here, so it was a shock when she screeched up with a completely different persona. It made me feel I did not know her at all really.
It is okay for her to have a life, to have whole dimensions that we don't know about. It is her private life after all, but after that I felt like she was almost playing was an act here, it made me wonder which one was the real her. This was a very long time ago, and she has been wonderful to us, so it it is irrelevant anyway.

[NewInTown08]

Completely agree with Sandals. The advice on this thread is appalling. OP thinks herself above this woman. Spare us the saint story!!

[Sandals19]

@NewInTown

Thank you.

And op calling someone who's called you out "sad" just further demonstrates the passive aggressive, too sweet to be wholesome thing you've got going on ... saying "Aw you poor thing, you sound saaad".

Your threads haven't made me sad in the slightest - they've made me repeatedly roll my eyes (as I've already stated).

As for "don't read my threads if they make you "sad"" .. your first thread appeared to be about DV and like most people I read it because I wanted to help.
This thread did not reference that one at all until myself and other posters starting recognising you and the situation, so how was I to know it was you again - until I was already reading it (?!) (And your clickbait title naturally drew a lot of people in).
You don't do logic any better than you do the "I'm such a good person" spiel.

Also you don't get to suggest who reads or comments in your threads on MN. If you post, expect people to disagree with you or call you out.

[Sandals19]

OP thinks herself above this woman. Spare us the saint story!!

Far more succinctly put than I could ever have managed.

Also the bitchiness, condescension etc. that keeps creeping through is palpable.

[Sandals19]

You sound seriously sad, so I am not sure you are either a nanny yourself or do something similar, and are feeling this on a personal level.

Ah, so I must be a nanny.

Smh.

You make me worry that if one were to roll one's eyes enough, they won't return to their original position.

[TatianaLarina]

Sandals has ishoos. As you were OP.

[Astella22]

Sandles has the measure of u alright.
I haven’t seen ur other threads but I also eye rolled allot at your comments here.

[Considermesometimes]

sandals I can only assume you are about fifteen years old, given how many times you talk about eye ball rolls. Your posts are immature rants that offer no real advice of any value, and you clearly have nothing to offer on this thread either.

I suggest you re read your posts and think about getting some help unless you were simply drunk when you posted them.

[Sandals19]

Sandles has the measure of u alright.
I haven’t seen ur other threads but I also eye rolled allot at your comments here.

Is this poster also a15 yr old?

So which "must" I be for calling you out: 15, drunk or a disgruntled nanny?

Please stop with your typical passive aggressive condescension about "getting counselling".

And as I said above. It's not for you to dictate who reads or posts on your thread, or declare what is of value or not.
That's not the nature of this forum.

The fact that some posters have agreed with what I've said, shoes that it is of value; regardless of you not liking it.

And my point in posting, which you understandably are missing, is to highlight to posters that you are disingenuous; and not the sweet, potentially vulnerable, saintly employer and person you portray yourself as; which night stop them wasting their time trying to give you your "urgent help".

[Sandals19]

*shows

[TatianaLarina]

This is the drawback to posting this kind of thing in AIBU rather than Relationships. There’s definitely a higher fuckwit count here.

[wineandroses1]

Sandals you sound deranged! Stop ranting, you are really embarrassing yourself.

[Havaina]

I have a lot of sympathy for OP and think nanny needed to go but two things:

• is the incendiary title of the thread really necessary? There’s a lot more things happening here than just the woman saying ‘all English mothers are terrible’. It’s an attention seeking title.
  

• OP’s wide eyed incredulity at a woman in an abusive relationship doing what ever she needs to do to get of it. That’s very jarring and judgemental.

[SeaEagleFeather]

I suspect there's a fair bit of sock puppetry the last few pages.

[Sandals19]

@wineandroses1

Op has consistently (in her last thread and this one, don't know if there are any others about the nanny) shown herself to be judgey, bitchy and condescending towardd a woman who is in such an underprivileged position to herself; both economically and in terms of her general life circumstances i.e. abusive marriage with a child, now apparently broken down.

The last thread has been deleted but there were some absolute corkers in it. It was ops bitchy/goody two shoes combo that made me realise it was the same person.

If pointing that out, and it's implications for this thread asking for help (while setting nanny up as a racist/anti English as it's clickbait title) is "ranting" then I'm happy to rant.

Also try to tell other people what to do on this forum; it's a free discussion area.

[Sandals19]

*underprivileged position compared to herself

[Sandals19]

*Don't try

[Sandals19]

*- is the incendiary title of the thread really necessary? There’s a lot more things happening here than just the woman saying ‘all English mothers are terrible’. It’s an attention seeking title.

• OP’s wide eyed incredulity at a woman in an abusive relationship doing what ever she needs to do to get of it. That’s very jarring and judgemental.*

Exactly.

She's called her "cunning" in her actions to get out of a DV/abusive relationship, and in her last thread expressed "shock" and disapproval that the nanny talked about finding another partner as a way of escaping.

Rather easy to be shocked and judgemental when you're in a privileged position yourself.

[Sandals19]

Incidentally the other thread had to be deleted because op gave so much information about the nanny (and possibly herself) in pursuit of "help" (validation) that there were identification worries; yet she's back on giving as much or more info. again (and should have known she'd be identifiable from the previous thread which had to be deleted).