All English Mothers are Terrible

[Considermesometimes]

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

[Instagrump]

"Get the hell out of my house. You're fired!" Should do it.

[Clymene]

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else and that she has to go and soon.

I think she's resentful of you - she wanted to stay, she had a solution in mind (she and her child could move in) and you said no.

I think she probably blames you for her having to return to her home country and she's doing petty acts of revenge out of spite.

[Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze]

I have never been able to have a nanny or au pair work a notice period. I find once they ve decide or need to leave or you’ve ended the contract then there’s no point.

[DishingOutDone]

I think @Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze has summed up the entire thread. What notice period are you required to give her OP?

[Drabarni]

Most employees do similar when they are leaving. I'm sure your children won't be in danger.
You can't just sack her for nothing, and she'll be leaving soon anyway.

[Tensixtysix]

Sounds like she wants to leave as early as possible and is trying to get you to fire her! Then she might say it was unfair dismisall so she can get more money.
A truly nice person wouldn't change like this overnight. She's a bunny boiler deep down and you're better off getting rid, pronto!

[PizzaExpressWoking]

This is a really difficult situation for you. I think you are entirely right in planning to get her out asap, unpleasant and awkward as that will be for you.

Her life is changing completely, she's under huge stress, and it sounds like that's impacting on her mental health. I don't think you can afford to let her loose on your kids, pets and house without you there.

She sounds as though she may have been a little bit strange to start with. I don't think most people would refer to their employer as their "only friend," however helpful she was. But right now she is losing all her reference points - home, job, marriage, country - and her behaviour is way too unpredictable for you to be able to trust her.

[Justaboy]

after a nasty breakdown in her marriage

I wonder what her ex or stbex husband would have to say?, be intresting!

Sounds to me shes got a screw or two loose, sad to sday:(

[astralweaks]

Maybe a great deal is lost in translation - nuances and do on?

[astralweaks]

so on

[Bluerussian]

Very odd things for her to say. Put it down to her current fragility because of break up, people often do say quite tactless things at times like that. It is hurtful though.

I'm sure she doesn't really think you're a bad mum and so what if one of your children went to school with wet hair once, I doubt it was dripping wet and it wouldn't have hurt her.

Pay no attention and find a new nanny as soon as you can.

[FakeChristmasTreesaremynewnorm]

I agree it's hard to know if she is acting out of character due to some kind of break down or if she is now showing a nasty side that she has been hiding. Either way she is due to leave anyway and if you can afford to pay her off that would be easier than sacking her over a few things that sound trivial and she could find excuses for.

[OxfordCat]

Does she actually have a contract OP? If so, you're covered surely. Just follow it to the letter. You have to be firm - it's about your family.

[vassdal]

Give her notice immediately that she is not to return to work and pay her for the notice period.
I wouldn't trust her anymore either.
It's irrelevant why she is behaving like this - whether she's having mental health issues, is jealous, blames you etc. - the point is the way she is behaving is not appropriate for the position of nanny and therefore she has to go.

[Considermesometimes]

I am going to surprise the kids and pick them up from school in a moment, despite being ill I don't miss the chance, I will check back in when I get back, but I would like to say thank you to everyone. It has really helped me see this for what it is.

No one wants to think badly of those that have been such a big part of our lives, maybe that is why I have been slow to act, because I want her to stay the lovely person she used to be. But everything has changed for her, but us. We could not ride to the rescue, because we would have put our own children in danger. It was/is just too volatile with the domestic issues. Although this side of things have calmed down, there is usually no warning before it happens again. I don't want my kids caught up in something really scary or dangerous. But yes, there was an expectation or hope perhaps from her that we could offer her a solution, but it is not one that would be safe. She would be safer and happier in her own country, where she has family to protect her and a police force she is able to speak to in her native language if she needs to (she has been to scared to call the police here) and I have had many sleepless nights worrying about her. In some ways I will be mightily relieved she is safely home.

This latest development has made it all but impossible for us to continue, and I can't leave my dc anymore with her. The trust has gone.

I can't blame her for protecting herself as much as she can emotionally, I can't blame her for feeling angry or even checking out, I can't change what has happened to her or how this has turned out.This is her journey not mine, but I had so hoped it would conclude in the nicest possible way for both of us, I felt I owed her that much at least

[Considermesometimes]

Sorry typos and grammar mistakes all over the last post, as I am posting in haste. Yes the contract is standard, and her comments would be fair game for her to go. The difficulty is not finding a way for her to leave as such, but plucking up the courage to do so! Husband is typically 1500 miles away but is in constant contact, and is trying to help. I think he will fly back now and talk to her with me as well, as this is a big thing for us, she has been a life line. Literally a lifeline.

[Londongirl86]

What a rude women. How judgey. My son often takes his wellies off on the school run. What can I do?? Nobody has ever died from having no shoes on. Also wet hair. Who cares. Mine gets wet on the school run if it rains. Never harmed me. Humans wouldn't survive if things like that were serious. Not like a newborn was out in a vest in November.

Also hoovering up toys is rude. She should have the money taken out her wages to get her some new accessories. I'd want her gone she's acting like a moron. I don't know why I'm thinking of Breda of Hollyoaks 😂😂😂

[norfolkforever]

good for you OP.

get those big girl pants on......

if she was employed in a company shed have been out on her ear! youve been good to her, more than most employers. but she s crossed the line . goood luck and tell us when youve done it.x

[SympatheticSwan]

Many of Eastern European mums I know through playgroups are working as nannies or other domestic help (the majority, in fact).
The level of hate they have towards their employers is just unbelievable. I even screenshotted once a post from a non-English language "mums" group and sent to the nanny's employer together with the translation, as she posted extremely vile things with very private details behind their backs (the family was not white, and she had a major issue with this). She seemed to be perfectly nice to their face, featuring in family holiday photos etc.

[LoveNote]

op.....make sure you get your key back op!!

don't leave her alone in your house again either

[LostInMeetings]

Change the locks. Seriously, the trust has gone, and you've caught her being underhand before.
Change the locks.

[thatdamnwoman]

Yes, she was a lifeline when you needed one and you can understand the disappointment she is likely to be feeling that you haven't been able to save the life she desperately wanted here in the UK. I'm not saying she's rational or that her expectation was reasonable, nor that you haven't behaved perfectly well, but she had dreams and now they're gone.

Many years ago I worked for a well-known power-couple who were on TV regularly. They'd adopted a policy of only employing older domestic staff who lived locally and had families and roots in the area. This came after several situations similar to the OP's – young, vulnerable immigrant employees (all charming, all good workers) – where they were seen as mum and dad and expected to come to the rescue in emergencies etc. I was young at the time and thought they were callous, but now I'm older I think they were realistic.

[newdeer]

I would absolutely bot leave my children in the care of anyone who intentionally wrecked and threw away their toys and laughed when their pets were at risk. She sounds unreliable and emotionally disconnected.

[newdeer]

not not bot