All English Mothers are Terrible

[Considermesometimes]

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

[Considermesometimes]

gen Thank you for that post, I really needed to read that.

Nothing new has happened, only a change in behaviour, she seems to be very very cross that her life has worked out this way.

No, she is definitely is not paid cash in hand, she is a professional nanny, and she has been looked after very well by us for a long time.

The new nanny got in touch and can start in the new year, thank goodness, we have a solution now. Between dh and I we will take some time off to cover the time left. I know I have done everything possible to leave things on a positive note, but maybe that is less important now and we just need to wrap things up much faster than planned. I am dreading telling her, but will put it as nicely as I can, and the extra time (and she will still be paid) will be helpful to her as she has so much to do In the end, it is painful saying goodbye to someone that has been with us for so long. Most people probably feel that when it comes to nannies moving on. It is a financial arrangement at the end of the day...

[Considermesometimes]

Thank you to everyone that has posted and for the advice. It has helped me no end in deciding what to do.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

That Is all really positive. Your nanny really doesn’t need you to find fault with her right now. Sometimes there is no point in highlighting other people’s failures especially when the result will only have the opposite effect than the one desired. I’m more of the belief she’s having some kind of breakdown / mental health issue. Letting her go is the kindest thing for her and safest for your family. It’s great that your new nanny can start sooner. It sounds as if you can all have a fresh start.

[crispysausagerolls]

When are you going to talk to her? Well done OP, and good news that the new nanny can start soon!

[VestaTilley]

I'd sack her now. Hoovering up your child's dolls shoes on purpose?! WTF.

She sounds horrible. I'd get rid.

[KarmaStar]

I would ask her to leave as soon as possible,I appreciate you are dreading it,but you can do it.
You said there's always been something not right about her,trust your instinct.
Be fair but firm.she has to go on x date,you will give her the sum you have worked out..Try not to be too soft and gentle as you might be pushed into agreeing terms you don't want.

[yasle]

She sounds fucking horrible
In order to get out of this situation without repercussions, I'd fire her immediately and pay her for the remaining 6 weeks
no way would someone who quite clearly hates my family be allowed in our home!

[BemidjiMinnesota]

Please change the locks before you ask her to leave. She might have copied your keys and she has nothing to lose now.

[Confusedbeetle]

I think this woman is in a bad way possibly due to her circumstances and is taking it out on you. I think I would suggest to her that the job is clearly too much for her in her current state

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

I have been shocked at how well she has/is executing this, really did not think she had it in her. Not that I am underestimating her intelligence, just the cold hearted way she is going about it. I don't feel sorry for him one bit, but I am not sure I could do what she is doing, even with the very good reason that she has. I can't take someone out like that, it is just not something I could personally do. Well bully for you for being such a nice person that you "couldn't personally" put plans in place to leave an abuser. Have you the first clue what it's like? How cunning you have to be to get out so you don't end up another dead woman at the hands of your partner? I think you're confusing being cold hearted with being strong enough to leave.

I also think it's funny how you only mention all the things you've apparently done for her after people have challenged you.

I've hoovered no end of things up by accident. They don't clatter until they're already in the pipe.

[AbbyHammond]

You can't fire an employee of 8 years for hoovering up doll shoes. What planet do some of you live on?

[Sandals19]

Why do I think op is kirsty allsop.

So much "I'm.sych a good person, I've fine do much for her, and I feelso sorry for her", combined with passive aggressive, critical, derogatory remarks everywhere about this woman's behaviour etc.

Last time if was "she copies what I wear", "she screeched up to our house all dolled up, blasting music, looking like a different person (and she's supposed to be a repressed, mousy, abused EE nanny, hmmm)", "she asks to buy my expensive tech items cheap" etc etc. I'm so lovely, she's so sneaky etc efc

[Sandals19]

*done

[Sandals19]

And last time it was "oh, she wants to move into your home, op", "she wants your life op", "she's lying about the abuse maybe op", "he'll come round to your house, you.mudt protect yourself and your kids op" ... Yet months later she's still there and is only leaving because she chose to.

[Sandals19]

And op's still sticking the boot in while playing Mrs wonderful (and shocked, and perturbed).

[Sandals19]

Oh and she's probably utterly fkg sick of picking up minute Barbie shoes and figures you can well afford to replace them. Her child's circumstances are probably quite a contrastbto op's children's.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

Oh and she's probably utterly fkg sick of picking up minute Barbie shoes and figures you can well afford to replace them. Her child's circumstances are probably quite a contrast to op's children's

But what about her lack of care for the family's dogs? Not helping when they escaped and then laughing when the OP told her they had got out on the busy main road?

You can't fire an employee of 8 years for hoovering up doll shoes. What planet do some of you live on

If hoovering up the barbie shoes was an isolated incident I doubt the OP would be worried but it's the accumulation of all these seemingly innocuous events combined.

[Sandals19]

But what about her lack of care for the family's dogs? Not helping when they escaped and then laughing when the OP told her they had got out on the busy main road?

She's either most definitely not an animal lover (and it may be that Brits are more precious about their pets than the country she's from, there aren't many places with a poorer economy where people feel the same about pets as eg Brits do). Not an excuse but ..

Of she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer and didn't realusr the danger to them.

[Sandals19]

*Or

[Sandals19]

In any case op is rather sickening - she always invites/leads posters to criticise the nanny while playing saintly and too nice. And the threads are click bait - last one was "he hit our nanny!" .. to get lots of interest and outrage around DM. This one "English mother's are .." to get lots of interest and outrage about English mothers (the demographic of most of this site). Ok is rather manipulative and passive aggressive, feel a bit sorry for new nanny.

[Sandals19]

Or she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer and didn't realusr the danger to them.

In fact it's possible she's laughed in embarrassment and awkwardness (of trying to minimise) if she was being sort of told off for contributing to their escape.

[Sandals19]

*DV not DM

[BumbleBeee69]

Sandals19

either you're DRUNK ... or you're the NANNY... so which is it ??

[MinervaSaidThat]

Or maybe she just has an alternative opinion? Not a crime!

[NaturalDisasters]

I agree with @Sandals about the dogs British people anthropomorphise their pet animals more than anywhere else I've ever lived, and I've moved around a lot. It's perfectly possible that it either didn't compute as a major catastrophe for the nanny because she's just not buying the idea that the dogs are essentially family members, or that she did grasp the enormity of it and laughed in embarrassment/dismay. Some people do my mother, who is a meek, well-meaning woman, has a tendency to laugh when something bad happens, I think from nervousness, and not knowing what she's supposed to do about whatever it is. Some cultures are more liable to laugh when uncomfortable.