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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:
TheBitchOfTheVicar · 09/12/2019 11:11

Well, I don't think it's rude! Lots of people do this, and there is often plenty of family to see.

I'd be more concerned about not being able to have a drink. And also how you/DH might feel about not seeing his parents on Christmas Day. Could be construed as rude, depending on one's pov...

Icecreamsoda99 · 09/12/2019 11:14

I think your mum is being unreasonable to even "gently" hint at this, she has you for the main event and it's not like you a rushing off as soon as the last spoonful of Christmas pudding has been eaten. What did you do last year?

Brefugee · 09/12/2019 11:15

I'd say no - and suggest spending Christmas Day at his parents next year.

Because you may want a drink or two with your dinner, and you'll be getting all warm and comfy after a big meal then have to leave. (or can he go if he really must see them on the day, and you follow in the morning?)

ohprettybaby · 09/12/2019 11:15

Prior to your DH asking, what were your plans? Were you stating overnight at your parents or, if not, what time was the plan to go back to your own place?

areyouafraidofthedark · 09/12/2019 11:16

I don't see anything wrong in going to visiting your partners parents on Christmas Day night. What your mum said is rude.

PennyGold · 09/12/2019 11:17

Your mum is unreasonable. How selfish.

Original poster
ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:17

Lunch will be at 3pm. DH says he isn’t bothered about not drinking in the day, I certainly would mind though, so he would drive.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 11:19

Your mum is being very rude. She doesn’t get to dictate your day because she’s cooking lunch. How odd.

Were you planning to stay overnight there? What time will she permit you to leave? How many hours after a meal are required to show appropriate gratitude?

ChristmasCroissant · 09/12/2019 11:19

What do you normally do on Christmas Day, do you alternate between the parents then? I don't see why it's not possible to see both sides of the family on the same day.

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 11:20

When no children are involved I think it’s fairest to just do alternate Christmases at each other’s parents so next year will be the PIL’s turn.

RuggerHug · 09/12/2019 11:21

As long as you're not turning up with your DM doing all the work and then running off as soon as you've eaten without doing the washing up first then of course you should go to PILs. Or ask your DM if she's ok with not being seen on Christmas day next year to be fair.

Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 11:36

I don't think you would be rude, a lot of people go somewhere else for the evening. Make sure you and husband help clear up the dinner things before you go off though.

Other than that you could go to in laws on Boxing Day. It's a good idea to alternate, one year with yours, one with his.

At the end of the day it's up to you, I hope you have a good time whatever is decided. It's certainly nothing to row about.

CalmdownJanet · 09/12/2019 11:38

Don't be ridiculous, people split who they see on the day all the time, it's not rude, it's trying to see people and keep things even. If that doesn't work for you and your mother you need to sort it out with your dp so he sees his family too. Would you be happy to go to his all day and see your family on boxing day?

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 09/12/2019 12:00

Yes YABU. 3pm lunch then leave your parents 3hrs later isn’t at all rude. What’s rude is that you’d rather push your husbands parents out when quite clearly they want to see their son.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 09/12/2019 12:00

Alternate years. I hate the rushing off after Christmas Dinner too OP! It's the time for snuggling on the sofa or playing board games, not getting in the car and starting again.

katy1213 · 09/12/2019 12:09

I'm with your mum. She'll be under pressure to get lunch on the table on time, and as soon as you've finished eating, you'll be away. No need to see everybody the same day.

2anddone · 09/12/2019 12:11

Be careful OP you mention you do t have children but if this may be a consideration in future years I would strongly suggest being firm now and doing what you want to do so that your Christmas can be easily changed. We alternated years until dc came along then the Christmas after the eldest turned 3 we announced that we were having Christmas in our own home and everybody was welcome to join us (small families both sides, neither took us up on offer!!)
Now my parents go abroad every year Dec-March so we don't see them and PIL froze us out when their son left me and the children so it's just us. I do worry that as the dc move out I face lots of Christmas's alone but hopefully they will still want to come to mine or invite me there some years.

Original poster
ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 12:11

His parents don’t really bother with us much throughout the year, or at least, that’s the sense I get. I think they were last in touch with me via text in about September, DH a little more but that’s because he will message them.

I just don’t see why we should rush off to see them on Christmas Day really. That said, I am surprised by the results of the poll so I am keeping an open mind while reading the responses!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 12:12

Of course it isn’t rude to see different family groups on Christmas Day. Your mum is being selfish.

tillytrotter1 · 09/12/2019 12:15

If you had spent the day with his parents, would you feel rude visiting your parents at tea time? Sound like a typical 'my parents are more imprtant than your parents' situation.

If I were him I'd go, either with you or alone!

Drum2018 · 09/12/2019 12:15

Why not just go to your respective parents houses for dinner and be done with it. I wouldn't fancy having to travel to both, clock watching and having to leave shortly after dinner to go and spend the evening at inlaws. You are all adults. You all make a decision to suit you. So if your Dh wants to go to his parents for the day/evening then let him off. You are not joined at the hip just because you're married. Best to do your own things before kids come along because if there are issues now deciding on what to do, those will no doubt ramp up when you have kids as everyone will demand a piece of you.

dontcallmeduck · 09/12/2019 12:16

I think it’s rude to have a set time to leave but to leave in the evening and go to see them isn’t at all rude and really quite normal. How about you leave an hour or two after eating when you’ve had chance for a chat and helped clear up. That will likely be 6/7pm

ConkerGame · 09/12/2019 12:16

I can see both sides. I think that was very manipulative of your mum and of course DH’s parents want to see him on Christmas Day. 30 minute drive is nothing so very easy to do both.

From my own point of view, I prefer to stay put on Christmas Day as you get all cosy and relaxed after dinner so I would prefer to alternate Christmas and Boxing Day each year, but would your mum be happy not seeing you at all next Christmas?

richteasandcheese · 09/12/2019 12:17

I would put it to your mum that if you don't go, you'll have to spend all day there next year, and see her on Boxing Day. See if she still thinks it rude then

richteasandcheese · 09/12/2019 12:17

And be prepared for tiny violins from your mum when you do have kids!

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