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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:
Original poster
ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 14:00

If they ever suggested or offered it, then we would consider it! Like I say, they don’t really get in contact much.

OP posts:
timeforawine · 09/12/2019 14:05

I would go, when i was with my ex we would have a meal with his parents at 12ish then one with my family at 5ish.
If you can see both families on the day it's nice to. I can't now as my IL's are 3hrs away so we alternate each year

stickerqueen · 09/12/2019 14:06

another for it not being rude.

we used to spend xmas morning at home
xmas dinner at the inlaws
and the evening with my mum

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/12/2019 14:15

I wouldn't want to do it, but it's not rude and it's fair to your DH.

LynnMa2 · 09/12/2019 14:15

Your mom is trying to compete with MIL. I see no reason why you can't split your time - breakie/lunch at parents and then around 3pm head to in laws for afternoon drinks & dinner/dessert. No one gives a crap about Boxing Day - Christmas is where it's at! Don't let your mom try to trick you.

cptartapp · 09/12/2019 14:19

I think most people would prefer to spend Christmas with their own parents. Regardless of how PIL celebrate, your DH has as much right to see them as you do yours. It is selfish of your DM to suggest otherwise. You'd have spent several hours with them with your plan. Isn't that enough? Leaving at six isn't 'rushing off'.
I can guarantee she'd kick off if you reversed the situation next year. Warning signs here for when you have DC. Such covert manipulation.

mumofbun · 09/12/2019 14:19

Can you go to his parents in the morning and do the little secret santa thing and then your parents for lunch and evening? That's what i do (my DH stays at his parents for lunch and joins us in the evening) and i much prefer it as means a drink with lunch is fine and then after dinner just relax!

Beswitched · 09/12/2019 14:34

I think your mum's being ridiculous. It's perfectly normal for a couple to split Christmas day between their two families.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 14:51

Next year you could invite them to yours and host Christmas.

pelirocco123 · 09/12/2019 15:06

Its much easier to do 1 on one day and the other the next day , then next year swap days about
Unless you have kids , then I found it easier to stay at home and let everyone come to us

I can see were she is coming from , its hard work preparing and cooking a Christmas meal for everyone , she wont get to spend much time with you if you bugger off after the meal

MsRomanoff · 09/12/2019 15:09

Why would mil or fil text you often? I thi k you expectations are off, tbh.

But, planning on never seeing the Christmas day because they dont celebrate it like you do, is poor.

Do you realise these are your husband parents?

Rezie · 09/12/2019 15:12

I'd spend Christmas separately since you don't have kids.

I dont think its rude to leave. A lot of people do that. Next time you can do it the other way around. It just sphf s like you'd prefere to be with your family. And that's understandable.

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 15:13

I'd spend Christmas separately since you don't have kids.

That’s such a strange view. Why wouldn’t you want to be with your spouse at Christmas?

Acciocats · 09/12/2019 15:13

Of course it’s not rude to split Christmas Day between both sets of parents when they live just 30 mins apart. Thousands of couples do this. Your mum is really off trying to control what you do.

irishglaze · 09/12/2019 15:16

I never visit PILs on Christmas Day as it’s day for our own family and children. Presents will be exchanged on Christmas Day/Boxing Day. They’re alcoholics anyway so probably don’t care as it means they can drink all day in peace! DH never bothers with them so that means I don’t have to. But each family is different so it’s a hard subject

xmaself24 · 09/12/2019 15:24

It is reasonable to alternate Christmas. Regardless of whether you think they make it enough of an occasion it's obviously how they like to spend Xmas day so you should make an effort and spend every other Xmas with them.

DeadButDelicious · 09/12/2019 15:38

We've been splitting our Christmas Day for 15 years, morning at my mums (at the beginning we lived nearer to her so it just fell that way) and afternoon at DH's parents. Everyone is seen for an equal amount of time and we spend Boxing Day on our own with DD.

You both have parents, it's normal for your DH to want to see his at Christmas. If alternating isn't an option (I get that, I wouldn't want to not see my parents at Christmas either) then splitting your time is the only way to make it fair. Honestly I think your mum is being a little unfair expecting to have the monopoly on the day.

Rezie · 09/12/2019 15:40

That’s such a strange view. Why wouldn’t you want to be with your spouse at Christmas?

I understand that it is a strange view to some. But in my mind it is a solution. It seems like OP would prefere to be with her family and husband would like to be with his family. They can spend most other days together so why not. If that is not an option then it will require compromising with traveling.

This is actually what happens in my family. There is always a minumum of 3h drive (or a flight in some cases) between places and it's the only of the year when everyone has several days off and can visit extended family in home area. Instead of spending half the Christmas in a car or have somebody's parents alone. Mine and my siblings in laws are widowed so priority is that nobody is alone. People go to their childhood family.

cptartapp · 09/12/2019 15:44

she won't get to see much of you if you bugger off after the meal
Eh? They're arriving in the morning. So say around 11am? Even if they ate around 1pm, OP had suggested leaving around 6pm. That's four or five hours on top of the two hours in the morning. That could be seven hours in total. Nothing like 'buggering off'. How long do they need?

BiddyPop · 09/12/2019 15:46

When we are "at home", we go to early morning mass and then on to DPILs house for turkey lunch and present opening in early afternoon. We leave there mid-afternoon to go to present opening and turkey dinner in DPs house.

As we have learned over the years, that even the years we are "eating" in one and "just visiting" the other, both will be offended if we don't eat (and timings mean we need to be in both at those times), we end up eating 2 full turkey meals.

So we have learned to book ourselves a separate cottage where we can retreat in between the madness for a brief interlude, and to dilute the Christmas crazy slightly....(we were doing that even before DD was on the scene!).

And we have also learned to take breaks by not going "home" every year.

Your DM is being rude that, having had you both for the morning and the dinner, she won't allow her DSIL to go home to see HIS DM for a while on the day itself!

furinstance · 09/12/2019 15:46

YANBU. All this racing around is nonsense. Ruins Christmases everywhere. You can see this, your DH can't but yay, that's part of the fun 🙄.

Just glad both DH and I both came to the conclusion that once you have kids, staying at home is sooooo much better and do the grandparents on Boxing Day/day after unless you don't mind them coming to you.

BiddyPop · 09/12/2019 15:47

I should have mentioned, DPILs live about 20 minutes drive from DPs, and we live about 2.5 hours drive from both.

Spamantha · 09/12/2019 16:03

I had some sympathy because, while I don't think it's rude to leave, I can understand your mum feeling disappointed that by the time she gets to relax (sounds like she's doing the cooking), you'll both be leaving.

I'd have voted for alternating Christmases but, in your subsequent post, you reveal you wouldn't be up for that.

Alternating Christmases is the fairest way to do it. Going to your parents every year then leaving early to see his parents is a compromise that favours you and your family over him and his. Being willing to do neither is very selfish.

And not wanting to go to his because there aren't enough presents to make it an 'event' is a shitty attitude.

OneDay10 · 09/12/2019 16:11

Why is xmas lunch as 3? That's quite late. If it was at lunchtime then you would have a good 4 hours after. I think yabu.

NameChangeNugget · 09/12/2019 16:15

I would put it to your mum that if you don't go, you'll have to spend all day there next year, and see her on Boxing Day. See if she still thinks it rude then

I totally agree with this.

The only person being rude is your Mum

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