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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:
Sidegatemate · 10/12/2019 07:31

I've only read to page one but I can see your dm point she wants to relax with you and enjoy the day without you rushing off or needing to be somewhere!

I think you should both go to respective places separately.

I do agree that the... Laying on guilt after providing a large meal is something to watch out for but she will be doing an awful lot of work and the cook relaxes during and after so just when she's winding down you'll be gone...

Your willing to give the whole day to your pils on boxing day and staying over night at pils gives them far more '' relaxed '' chilled out time!!

In short go separately or give Xmas day to your dp a d boxing day plus over night to his.
I can't stand meanness on Xmas day either ....

Sidegatemate · 10/12/2019 07:34

Just flicked back, yes perhaps pils in the am then... Or over night Xmas eve...

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 07:35

Also beware the perils of trying to split yourselves and please everyone at Christmas in the long run.

Sidegatemate · 10/12/2019 07:38

Yy snuggy.

I have a low tolerance now of people who can't relax and enjoy one day in 365!!

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 10/12/2019 07:42

If i were you, i would spend Christmas eve with PIL. Have a nice breakfast with them then go to your parents in the afternoon.

Then i am not you. If people aren't happy id stay at home, with DH and have a lie in, drink, eat and be merry!

If you plan on having kids, please don’t start dragging them to places in Christmas day just to please others. Start to make your own traditions.

Ghoulestofmums · 10/12/2019 07:45

Just a small point - a poster asked why lunch couldn’t be at 12 or 1 and queries why people eat at 3. Er ... some people actually go to church -it being the day Christ was born so lunch at 12 or even 1 might be too tricky to organise

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 10/12/2019 08:35

Your Mum is DBU. It sounds like she's getting you most of the day? Why not go to PIL's in the morning?

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 10/12/2019 09:06

Just a small point - a poster asked why lunch couldn’t be at 12 or 1 and queries why people eat at 3. Er ... some people actually go to church -it being the day Christ was born so lunch at 12 or even 1 might be too tricky to organise

It wasn't the day Jesus was born though, was it? It's celebrated on December the 25th to distract the pagans from their winter solstice. Funny how Christians now object to their celebration being obscured after a long tradition of doing this to others.

Original poster
ProfShillyShally · 10/12/2019 10:06

We would LOVE to host but we live quite far away so it’s a case of the mountain going to Mohammed.

3pm doesn’t seem especially late for a Christmas Day lunch, none of us are really hungry for a big dinner at 12pm!

Going to PILs in the morning wouldn’t work because as I think I mentioned we have a lot of traditions at my parents’ on Christmas morning so rocking up at lunchtime wouldn’t work.

I think we will end up going to PILs’ but later in the evening, as a lot of you have said it’s not fair on my DM to dash off right after the meal.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 10/12/2019 10:13

You seem to be forgetting that Christmas is about spending time with people. Not about who has the most presents or "traditions". Your DP has just as much right to want to see his family. Just because they don't do the same thing as your family, it doesn't mean yours are better.

You need to relax your thinking before you have children.

Teachermaths · 10/12/2019 10:14

I also think it is fair to dash off after the meal if you've been there all day including the morning! If you get there at 9 and leave at 5ish that's 8 hours. Your DP won't get 8 hours with his parents on Christmas day.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 10:28

The other thing to remember is family is for life not just for Christmas. Competing over who gets the most out of you on the 25th of December isn't healthy and it shouldn't matter if you also make time for each other throughout the rest of the year.

lyralalala · 10/12/2019 10:30

Going to PILs in the morning wouldn’t work because as I think I mentioned we have a lot of traditions at my parents’ on Christmas morning so rocking up at lunchtime wouldn’t work.

I think we will end up going to PILs’ but later in the evening, as a lot of you have said it’s not fair on my DM to dash off right after the meal.

If you are planning on children, or even on being together long term, I hope you have a plan for alternate years or even a three year cycle

It won’t be fair on your OH to always give up spending the day with his family just because you feel your family traditions are more important

Thirtyrock39 · 10/12/2019 10:40

I think it's time you made your own traditions.
I'm wondering if this is your first Christmas since you've been married as you seem to be keen to continue your childhood family Christmas but now you're married Christmas should change
To be fair it took a few years for me and my husband to do Christmas fairly but you need to ask your husband what he wants as well, my family were very non traditional when I was a kid (we had a fry up one year for Christmas Day ) but that's what I grew up with so even though it might seem weird and not very festive to others that's what Christmas was to me growing up
We did alternate and share Christmas Day for a few years now we host - expensive but lovely (was a bit weird first couple of years)

Pilot12 · 10/12/2019 10:43

It's not unreasonable to go to one person's house for lunch and another person's house for tea on Christmas Day. You are both entitled to see your parents on Christmas Day. Your Mother is being unfair.

The alternative could be that you spend Christmas Day with your parents and Boxing Day with DH's or vice versa. Or you go to your parents and he goes to his. Or what about both sets of parents spending the day with both of you if you all live near each other.

underneaththeash · 10/12/2019 10:47

I wouldn’t want to swap houses on Christmas Day either. As long as you’re happy to alternate, just go to theirs Boxing Day and next year spend Christmas Day with them.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 10:50

I'd also be careful if getting into a rigid alternation pattern in case you ever want to do something different.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/12/2019 11:01

So what time would you be planning to get to your PILs?

jb1305uk · 10/12/2019 11:05

You need to learn to compromise, it’s a big part of being married. Your in-laws might not have the same traditions or make the same fuss as your parents but it’s important to your DH to see them so you should make an effort for his sake.

Confusedbeetle · 10/12/2019 11:11

Parents should not try to influence this. Its your decision. There is a comment about children somewhere, this should not be an issue. There comes a time in every family when the children and parents want to be in their own home on "the day" and see extended family on another day.
Actually it stops all the nonsense about pressure from parents. I have done christmases for 40 years ans am now happy to pop into the 4 failies, some on the day, others for a day at ours Boxing Day, New Year or anywhere in between. Thes pressures are one of the stupid things about Christmas, they dont make people happy, they make for resentment

Foobydoo · 10/12/2019 11:19

OP in your update you seem to have cherry picked the few comments that agree with you and used them to support your decision to do what you want.

I do understand this. I always spend Christmas with my parents and would hate to go anywhere else. I have just been lucky that there is only Mil on DHs side so she come to my parents with us.

To be fair now, you need to put aside your family traditions for a minute. Speak to DH. What does he feel about it? How about his parents what would they like? Do they mind seeing you on a different day if they don't make a big thing of Christmas or would they be upset?
Try to consider all factors and reach a fair compromise.

CakeandCustard28 · 10/12/2019 11:26

Your mum is being unreasonable. You will be spending most of Christmas Day with them, why should your partner miss seeing his parents? That or suggest to your mum you’ll see your in-laws Christmas Day and spend Boxing Day with them, see how she likes it.

Lollypop701 · 10/12/2019 11:34

Op how would you feel if your dh said your family traditions were too much... he wanted a more low key/calm Christmas, such as his parents have. This may be your dh way of saying this- he’s willing to not drink to go spend time with them so it’s obviously important to him. I agree you are cherry picking the comments that suit you to get your own way. Christmas Day shouldn’t be what you want, it should be what both of you want. Your dh is trying to compromise, as he can see you love your family. He loves his too, and his closeness should not be determined on your own Family interaction... their dynamic of speaking a couple of times week is normal for them. Tbh I find your comments selfish... and lord help you if you have sons and they behave as you do when they marry. You’ll see them late Christmas Day with a Merry wife who will fall asleep within an hour... if they come at all!

Stompythedinosaur · 10/12/2019 11:42

I think your dm is being quite astonishingly rude tbh. I think it is quite selfish not to let your dh have sometime with his family, as you are clearly spending most of xmas with your family. Unless you are proposing to alternate and spend all xmas with his family next year not seeing your family? Either way, you need to agree a compromise with your dh as he has as much of a right to see his family as you do to see yours.

Your dm attempting to guilt trip you into not sharing any of Christmas day with your in laws would make me inclined to go.

gamerchick · 10/12/2019 11:52

Just send him to his parents and you go to yours. Then he can join you at 3 when it's feeding time. It's really not a big deal.

Wanting it all your own way is selfish, it's his Christmas as well.

He might not want to spend an entire day with your mother.

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