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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 09/12/2019 12:20

I think it is quite reasonable to see both families on Christmas Day.

If lunch at your mum's is at 3, could you visit DP's parents in the morning, and then arrive at your parents a little later but you could stay into the evening?

Also remember that it would only be fair to mirror what you do this year for Christmas 2020. So, if you spend all day at your parents this year, it will be all day at the in laws next year.

MrsWhites · 09/12/2019 12:21

I think your mum is being unreasonable and quite selfish to be honest. Of course it’s not rude to split the day, could she be getting this excuse in now for when you have children?

To be honest, you sound happy to go along with your mum. As someone who doesn’t particularly get on with the in laws I get it but it really would be kinder of you to visit them on Christmas Day rather than Boxing Day if that’s what they and your DH wants!

ChristmasCroissant · 09/12/2019 12:29

I think you are using your mum as an excuse, OP. You don't want to go.

ny20005 · 09/12/2019 12:33

Be very careful how you play this

Decide what you want to do if you have kids & start it now.

Your mum is being incredibly selfish. As a couple, you have 2 families so life is split

30 mins apart isn't that far so you could spend morning with one & late afternoon/ evening with the other & alternate each year

MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 12:37

I don’t have enough info to vote! So I can vote, can you provide done more info?

do you go to your parents for Xmas each year and if yes, is that because PIL don’t ever host Christmas?

you say PIL don’t bother with you and DH, is that because of a general lack of interest or do they have a ‘golden child’?

have PIL asked you and DH do drop by on Xmas?

ConstanceL · 09/12/2019 12:38

Would you have thought it was rude if your mother hadn't 'gently hinted' it was? That's pretty manipulative of her - unless you spent Christmas day and night with your in-laws last year? Why do your mother's wishes trump your husband's anyway? If it was the other way round and you wanted to leave your in-laws to spend some of Christmas day with your parents would your husband mind?

TruffleShuffles · 09/12/2019 12:38

Can you not go to your partners parents on the morning and have breakfast with them? This is the way me and my DH would split our day, breakfast with one set of parents then midday we’d head off to the other parents for the rest of the day.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/12/2019 12:38

Your mum is being rude by insisting you stay when you have other plans for the evening. Does she always shit stir like this?

Jeezoh · 09/12/2019 12:40

I think it’s fine to see them on Boxing Day as long as your mum is prepared not to see you on Christmas Day on the years you spend the day with your PIL. Or do you think she will “gently hint” you have to see her on Christmas Day every year?

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 12:41

They’re staying overnight there truffle.

Teachermaths · 09/12/2019 12:43

It's normal to see both parents on Christmas day if they are that close by.

Why not see the inlaws in the morning and go to your parents for lunch? Your mum sounds a bit crazy though!

fedup21 · 09/12/2019 12:45

I think your mum is the rude one.

TheBrockmans · 09/12/2019 12:46

Either travel between one and the other on Christmas Day or tell your mother that this year you will be with her all day and next year with PIL all day, which would she prefer. How would you feel in 25yrs if you have two boys and their wives both say they can't leave their parents even if your sons drive so you never see them on Christmas Day. I would be thankful that you are not hassled to go there all the time and see spending an evening with them at Christmas as a small price to pay.

fedup21 · 09/12/2019 12:46

If you do agree to stay at your mum’s all day and go to your in laws on Boxing Day this year, would you and your mum be happy to swap this and have all day Xmas day at your in laws next year?

Throwawayteachere · 09/12/2019 12:46

Your mum is being unreasonable. Having you all day then guilting you for wanting to see your partner's parents in the evening.

Have a think how you would feel if you went to your MIL all day on Christmas and your partner told you that his mum had said you can't see your family from 5pm as she said it's rude to leave her.

You need to side with your partner here. He has agreed to see your parents until 5 and not drink which is a great compromise for you, as most the day is with your parents. If you make him stay until late then you are also being unreasonable.

burritofan · 09/12/2019 12:48

I'm on your mum's side. If you're spending Christmas Day with them, you're spending Christmas Day with them. Not "most of the day then buggering off to the next place". Also who wants to travel on the day when you can snooze on the sofa or eat one thousand Roses while complaining they're not as good as they used to be, or making sandwiches in the evening from the roast dinner leftovers while saying "I'm not really hungry" as you add a ninth pickled onion and a wodge of Stilton to your plate.

This year do Christmas Day at your parents, Boxing Day at his. Then reverse it next year.

NoSauce · 09/12/2019 12:48

As it’s only 30 mins away I don’t think it’s too much to ask. What happened last Christmas?

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 12:49

Either travel between one and the other on Christmas Day or tell your mother that this year you will be with her all day and next year with PIL all day, which would she prefer.

From bitter experience, that doesn’t work. She’ll tell you it’s fine to swap next year. Next year you’ll get the guilt trip.

RaininSummer · 09/12/2019 12:51

I think since they are in close proximity, it would be nice to either see PIl int he morning before the day at your parents or go early evening and stay over. I would be very sad if my adult children were that near home and i didn't see them at all even if it was just a cuppa and swap presents on the day.

ZenNudist · 09/12/2019 12:58

Is "his parents don't bother with us" code for "his parents are more laid back about family obligations and dont get a look in because you always prioritise your family.

If dh is willing to drive then I reckon you go to his dps.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 09/12/2019 13:00

Your mum is being very selfish.
You are seeing your family for breakfast and lunch- lunch will be served at 3. So you are with your family pretty much the full day, minus a few little hours your dh would like to spend with his family.
I don't think that is rude at all that he would want a couple of hours with his family also.

IvyWinters · 09/12/2019 13:04

It’s not rude to leave, your mum is being a bit precious about that.

However, you are not obligated to go to his parents if you don’t want to. If you don’t fancy it then tell him that, he can go on his own if he wants to- but make it clear to your mum he is not being rude if he does!

dreichXmas · 09/12/2019 13:17

I think your mum is being unreasonable here.
It is perfectly normal to split Xmas.
I'm not sure that it is always that relaxing but if DP is happy to drive and you are close by then it certainly wouldn't be rude.

Maybe suggest alternate Christmas days moving forward.

Original poster

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 13:55

Ok, I think I’m going to have to suck it up then!

I wouldn’t really like to do alternate Christmases; Christmas is a big thing for our family and we really push the boat out and have a great time, but his parents don’t really ‘do’ cooking, plus every adult only get one present as they do Secret Santa. So there’s not really that sense of occasion, which is a bit sad.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 09/12/2019 13:56

Does that mean you’re not planning on having Christmas lunch with his parents in the future?

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