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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 10/12/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amanduh · 10/12/2019 12:07

So... you don’t want to go to PIL alternate years, you don’t want to go in the morning, and you don’t want to go in the evening.
Yabvvu and selfish and so is your mother.
It’s also not rude to leave after dinner when you’ve been there since the early morning!

Sandaled · 10/12/2019 12:07

Pretty selfish imo as you aren't willing to consider alternating. Are you always so dismissive of your DH and his family

JoyceJames · 10/12/2019 12:09

Definitely selfish of you OP

MolyHolyGuacamole · 10/12/2019 12:10

My whole life growing up, Christmas lunch was spent with one set of grandparents, Christmas is dinner with the other. Your mother needs to her over herself, she doesn't own you just because you're at theirs first.

Gazelda · 10/12/2019 12:13

If I were your DH, I'd be very disappointed in your selfish attitude. You seem to think your family are better than his. More important. More fun.
His wishes have hardly come into it. You've not compromised in the slightest. And you've made it clear this is not a one off - this is how you wish Christmas to be spent from now on.
Your DM think it's rude to leave after dinner, having spent the whole day there.
I imagine your ILs think it's rude to barely spare them a thought let alone time on Christmas Day.

ChristmasCroissant · 10/12/2019 12:28

Hardly anyone said it would be unfair on your mum - who will have had you all day - to 'dash off' after the meal! What about the 75% that think YABU?!

You clearly have no intention of visiting your inlaws even though your DH wants to see his own parents on the day. His feelings don't seem to matter at all to you, OP.

iswhois · 10/12/2019 12:30

We did this one year although in reverse, went to PILS for lunch, left around 4pm and spent the night at my parents. Everyone was happy and no one thought it rude, only downside was DH couldn't have a drink with Xmas lunch as we had to drive.

Guzzies · 10/12/2019 12:39

I always make sure to visit DH's/my family before, or after Christmas dinner because it seems awful to relegate one family to the following day. This year we are hosting my family but will spend a couple of hours in the morning with IL's. Yes its messy and a hassle but worth it to make everyone feel valued.

littleduckeggblue · 10/12/2019 12:46

Yabu

MrsCollinssettled · 10/12/2019 12:50

You are clearly unprepared to give up any of your traditions in order to accommodate the wishes & traditions of your DH and your new family. Your mum is aiding and abetting you in this. You are both BVU.

Part of being a married adult is accepting compromise. I had it the other way round with a domineering MIL who insisted on Xmas being done her way and would pile on the guilt trips at any suggestion of the adult dcs spending time with their partner's families. It ended up with loads of resentment all round and her dc's relationships being negatively affected and in some cases broken by it.

Stopping with your in-laws Xmas eve and having all or part of the morning with them would be the obvious compromise. I suspect with your current plan, you and your DM will keep making excuses for delaying your departure time in the evening until DH gives in and abandons getting to the PIL on Xmas day evening.

It'll be " we're stuffed after the main course so we'll let it go down before pudding", then "We can't go before pudding as mum thinks that's rude", " we can't go now we need to help wash up", "we can't go now everyone wants to watch X and if we go it's disruptive", "We can't go now as we haven't done X yet and we always do X at Xmas" etc etc (All reasons I used to hear at Xmas).

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 10/12/2019 12:54

Going to PILs in the morning wouldn’t work because as I think I mentioned we have a lot of traditions at my parents’ on Christmas morning so rocking up at lunchtime wouldn’t work.

Would you plan on giving your ILs the whole of Christmas Day next year? If you do, YANBU, alternating is fair and one family will always have to 'get' the first year.

If this isn't your intention YABVU. Traditions need to change as the family does, and you coupling up is a big change. Your childhood traditions need to start being flexible. Christmas traditions should be about fun and love, they should never come before people's feelings.. because otherwise, what's the point?

mrssoap · 10/12/2019 12:58

You should go to his parents in my opinion.

MinervaSaidThat · 10/12/2019 13:00

Surely the question here is whether PIL even want OP and their son?

Its not fair to have to go somewhere you are not welcomed?

Stonerosie67 · 10/12/2019 13:01

So... you don’t want to go to PIL alternate years, you don’t want to go in the morning, and you don’t want to go in the evening.
Yabvvu and selfish and so is your mother.
It’s also not rude to leave after dinner when you’ve been there since the early morning!

Your mother 'gently hinted'....how staggeringly manipulative. And it's clear the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, has it?
Your poor dh, you haven't thought a jot about what he might want.
You sound incredibly selfish and immature, you need to grow up fast and start thinking about people other than just yourself and your overbearing mother!

Stonerosie67 · 10/12/2019 13:03

Going to PILs in the morning wouldn’t work because as I think I mentioned we have a lot of traditions at my parents’ on Christmas morning so rocking up at lunchtime wouldn’t work.

You sound about 12!!

harriethoyle · 10/12/2019 13:03

Yabvu and selfish. No thought for your pil at all. I feel sorry for your DH

mbosnz · 10/12/2019 13:05

If you and your Mum don't want any 'dashing off', there's another way.

That is that you spend Christmas Day (all of it) with one family one year, and the other family the next. This year, of course, I'm sure your Mum would agree that the polite thing to do would be to spend all of it with your inlaws, given how much your family have monopolised the lion's share of attendance thus far.

Autumnfresh · 10/12/2019 13:13

I bet your Mum serves dinner late so you can’t leave. 🤣

AryaStarkWolf · 10/12/2019 13:16

I think your DM and you are being pretty selfish actually

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 10/12/2019 13:21

I agree with your mum. I wouldn't be impressed if I'd been slaving over the dinner for you to bog off just as I'm ready to sit down, relax and chat.
I think you should do Boxing Day at PIL's.

mbosnz · 10/12/2019 13:36

I tended to approach these matters in this way. You don't want to have an inlaw problem, so you don't want to be an inlaw problem. Because if you are an inlaw problem, then you will, sure as the night follows the day, ultimately have an inlaw problem. And quite possibly a DH problem as well.

So absolutely scrupulous fairness is required, with both families getting their fair share of you for landmark days. (When we had kids, we added another aspect to the mix - we'd do Christmas one year at my family's, one year at his, and then a year at ours, with anyone who wished to welcome to attend).

shiningstar2 · 10/12/2019 13:48

If you spend the whole day with your family it isn't unreasonable for your husband to want to see his family. Especially if they are only 30 minutes away, you don't have children to rush around and dh is willing to drive. If you go to his mum's next year won't you be keen to see your family by the evening and probably your mum won't think it's rude for you to leave your mil's to spend some time with her. Grin Christmas is a minefield and if your dh is keen to spend some time with his family it's only fair to accommodate that if you can or agree that next year you will stay totally at his mum's. I get it op. It's nearly always more relaxing with your own family than the inlaws and everybody likes their own traditions best but really you seem to be using your mum's gentle commentary to facilitate you doing what you prefer. Grin Fair enough if you are going to do totally what dh and his mum prefers next year.

TitianaTitsling · 10/12/2019 13:50

Are you an only child? Do the lots of 'traditions' consist of treats and presents? Just wondered if it's really because every adult only get one present (sic) at DH's family?

Ginger1982 · 10/12/2019 14:19

OP this is clearly about you not your mum. You don't want to compromise on giving up what you see as your family's Christmas fun and traditions. What your mum May or may not have said is just an excuse.

If your DH isn't that fussed about his own family then crack on, but if he is then you're being unfair to expect to spend all of Christmas Day and night with your family. If you have DC you might need to do alternate Christmas's in the future.

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