AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

[ProfShillyShally]

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

Oh god, your poor DH. You sound a bloody nightmare like your mum, and are convinced your way is the right way.

Becoming a family is about incorporating bits from both sides, not deciding your family is superior and never compromising.

Dh knew a dreadful woman at university we saw her at a party with their first child announcing loudly that henceforth they would only ever spend Christmas with her family because they had “traditions”. Her poor dh just sat there meekly....

If you have children (and this is, after all, mumsnet) then expecting them to wait from breakfast until 3pm is unreasonable, and in my experience, unworkable. Unless the kids are eating sweets all that time, in which case it would ruin their appetite for 'lunch' anyway. And if you have your Christmas 'lunch' at 3pm, say you are all still eating 4+pm, then what do you do for dinner?

As to your update, you don't even mention DH's wishes at all. It sounds to me like you are as selfish as your mother.

If you have children (and this is, after all, mumsnet)
There are loads of posters without children here.

Even if they eat at 3pm, they'll have had around four hours together before that! Is this only a meal for four.? Christmas lunch or not, what the hell takes so long? Most prep can be done the day before.
You can twist it whichever way you want OP, but this isn't the feeding of the 5000. No one is slaving over anything or rushing off anywhere. The bottom line is your DM likes her own way.

This definitely sounds like you're looking down your nose at DPs parents. "We have traditions" "We're big on Christmas" "They don't really cook" "They only get one present" ... I feel sorry for your DP. Just because they don't value material things or make a show of being as gluttonous as possible doesn't mean they don't value spending time together any less on the day. The fact that you just assume you'll forever be doing Christmas at your Ps and not Pils says it all really.

SarahNade we have a late decent breakfast then Christmas dinner, no other meal, if people are hungry there's Christmas cake and mince pies, can make a Turkey sandwich if they want. Young children do tend to get a earlier breakfast and a small lunch then the Christmas dinner. It works in our family and like I said we would still be eating at 5 as we don't rush through the courses.

I do think that they should alternate Christmas days though so this year the ops next year her DHs family

So you want to be at your parents from mornin to late afternoon and your dh and his parents will get a few hours in the evening.
So selfish
Say time wise
9am-6pm at your parents- =9 hours
(Travel 30/45 minutes)
6.45pm - 11pm at dh's parents= 4hours 15 mins.

Why is your family's wants more important than dh's family?

Ah yikes i’m cringing here at you op, a grown adult who wants to carry on having the exact same christmas as always even though you are married now and therefore a part of two families.

Marriage and growing up involves change and compromise. Functioning adults realise this. Your dh is making lots of compromises and accommodating this whole wish for a perfect christmas (as a child of a shift worker, separated from my kids’ dad who also was a shift worker when they were small i really do not get this. To me christmas just unfolds as it will, is different every year in some way and somehow we get round everyone which is all that matters). You won’t forgo christmas morning, you won’t not have a drink, your mum won’t bring dinner forward by an hour or so, you are being so obstructive and manipulative and it comes across as very childish. You don’t really sound ready for married life if you’re as bratty about everything as you’re being about this.

But the PIL don’t even want OP and DH. So why bother going there?

Where’s it say that? Op says they don’t text them much, not that they don’t want them there? I’m sure if they had been explicitly made unwelcome op would have flung that on her big old pile of Reasons I Can’t Spare Any Of My Waking Hours On Christmas Day don’t you think? Anyway her dh wants to go and it’s his christmas too.

Agreed @MadameButterface

I always host from mid pm to evening and to be honest if my guests left after food and I'd gone to all that trouble I'd be pissed off.

It's hard to please everyone and compromise is needed here. As you are all ready committed to DP's the best solution would be Xmas day with them and Boxing Day with the ILs and swap next year. You need to think of future Xmas and not set a precedent that becomes a pain with kids. An even better solution would be for you to host everyone next year.

I think before you make firm plans you would be wise to read up on the zillion threads on here of couples/families who have utter nightmares on who to visit and where to be over Christmas and the pressure put on them to keep everyone happy....You have no children so now is the perfect time to set a routine that suits you both for years to come. Stay at home the pair of you and start as you mean to go on.In years to come when you do have dcs you will be so glad you did..I promise you!

This^ it can turn into a miserable slog if you try to please everyone