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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to visit PILs on Christmas Day?

191 replies

ProfShillyShally · 09/12/2019 11:09

DH and I (no DC yet)will be with my parents for Christmas Day morning and lunch.

DH wants us to leave my parents at about 5 or 6pm and go to his parents for the evening, and stay there overnight.

My mum has gently hinted that she thinks it is a little rude to leave your hosts after they have provided Christmas Day lunch, and I think I agree.

I would be more than happy to visit PIL on Boxing Day and stay there overnight then. The houses are about 30 mins away from each other.

So, AIBU to say I don’t want to visit PIL on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/12/2019 05:33

I don't think your mum is rude. If she's serving dinner at 3pm (nothing wrong with that) then by the time it's all cleared up and you can all relax she won't have much time to spend with you if you leave at 6pm.

I don't know what it's like in your house but here we don't get to all sit together for a good chat while dinner is cooking, there's always something to do.

I'd stay at your parents and go to PILs on Boxing Day.

timeisnotaline · 10/12/2019 05:43

Go to your dhs parents for the evening. Gently suggest to your mum that if getting the Christmas meal together is pressured both you and dh have hands (I’m assuming complete sets each but of course you never know), and are willing to use them.

MsRomanoff · 10/12/2019 05:48

If she's serving dinner at 3pm (nothing wrong with that) then by the time it's all cleared up and you can all relax she won't have much time to spend with you if you leave at 6pm.

But they will be there before 3pm. Plenty of time to spend together.

Or is OP planning on never visiting pils because her mum/ dad chooses to spend all day cooking? Christmas dinner doesnt have to take all day to cook. If ops parents choose to do that, rather than spend time with the people who are visiting. Thata their choice.

1AngelicFruitCake · 10/12/2019 05:50

I knew you’d say you wouldn’t do alternate Christmas Days! So selfish and I know so many women like this. They tell their partners there family are more important for whatever reason.

Wtfdoipick · 10/12/2019 05:53

3pm is a normal time to eat Christmas dinner in my family and we'd still be eating at 5 as we don't rush it. The day fills up so easily that the meal itself is the first time we really get to all sit down together. Yes I would find it rude if someone said they had to leave at 5

Glitterfisher · 10/12/2019 06:15

You're hardly rushing off, you are there all day, 3pm is late for dinner so leaving at 5 is a bit rude but I would think going for 6/630 is reasonable.

Very unfair of your mum to not be ok with it.

HopeItComesWithBatteries · 10/12/2019 06:15

Given that lunch at your mum’s is at 3pm, then go to your in-laws in the morning. That will work best.

Both you and your mum are sounding selfish, but I can quite understand that once she’s made lunch she’d like to sit down, relax and enjoy your company. Let her cook the dinner while you spend time with the in-laws,then rock up at about 1 pm.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/12/2019 06:26

What are his parents planning on an evening?

That would be the deal breaker for me, if your going to his parents to sit and watch tv, then I’d stay at my parents or vice versa.

Cambionome · 10/12/2019 06:36

It's not up to your mum to hint, 'gently' or otherwise.

MsTSwift · 10/12/2019 06:41

We hosting both sets of parents. Super fair! Find adults clinging onto their own childhood Christmases at expense of their dh family childish and selfish.

StreetwiseHercules · 10/12/2019 06:41

Very, very manipulative of your mother.

Gwilt160981 · 10/12/2019 06:44

I don't like going anywhere Xmas day. That day is strictly staying in pyjamas and for over eating.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 10/12/2019 06:46

I agree with your Mum here.

WanderingAimlessly · 10/12/2019 06:47

Another post making me feel sad for my future as a mum if boys. Oldest is only 10 but I’m already resigned to the fact that I’ll never see the boys (or any grandchildren there may be) for any of the occasion days. The more I read on mumsnet, the more I see that the wife/girlfriend’s family is always the priority.

rockofages · 10/12/2019 06:50

I agree with a previous poster who suggested visiting PIL in the morning. Go for 10ish, stay till 1 then go and help with lunch at your parents and relax for the rest of the day and evening. Don’t be mean to PIL of course they would like to see their son on Christmas Day, just as your parents want to see you.

LL83 · 10/12/2019 06:52

@wanderingaimlessly in real life every family I know see both parents on Christmas day. They either host themselves or do alternate years for dinner.

SallyLovesCheese · 10/12/2019 06:54

Definitely split the day. If you don't want to spend the whole day with PIL next year (and it sounds like you don't want to) then you'll just have to split your Christmas Day.

And it's not rude to leave your hosts after eating. My parents are coming here for lunch but will go home before teatime. It didn't even occur to me it would be rude of them

JJTWhite · 10/12/2019 07:02

Why don’t you swap it around so you go pil Christmas Eve and stay overnight? The spend the morning into early afternoon there, then go to your parents around 1? Your mum can’t say your rushing off. Sounds like you just don’t want to see them regardless of your partners feelings 🤷‍♀️

Normandy144 · 10/12/2019 07:04

I think you need to flip things around. As your mum isn't serving the meal until 3pm (totally normal btw, we eat at4pm!), you should head to your PILs for breakfast and gift exchange. You can then come back to your parents for 12 or 1pm.it means you can all have a drunk and relax at your parents into the evening and you can still help your mum out.
It is very normal to alternate. I don't particularly enjoy my PILs version of Christmas, as like you it's pretty casual and i prefer a bit of a fuss and some planning, but i do it because it's the fair thing to do.

malificent7 · 10/12/2019 07:05

We always have Christmas dinner at 1pm....eadily done. Why not go and see pil in the evening? Im doing the same as mil is ill.

lyralalala · 10/12/2019 07:07

@WanderingAimlessly It’s not always the case. We always had both PIL and my Nana (who brought me up) for occasions

MIL now lives with us and I wouldn’t have it any other way

The only people I know who don’t see both sides on Christmas or occasions have family issues or do alternate for distance reasons

ineedaholidaynow · 10/12/2019 07:07

Have you ever offered to host OP?

SnuggyBuggy · 10/12/2019 07:18

I agree that going to your in laws in the morning makes more sense if Christmas lunch isn't going to be served until 3. I can see why your DM wants to spend time with you after she has finished cooking rather than when she is in the kitchen.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/12/2019 07:19

But they will be there before 3pm. Plenty of time to spend together.

Yes, but they could be rushing round the kitchen etc. cooking, prepping and so on. The cook doesn't really relax until after dinner is served.

MsRomanoff · 10/12/2019 07:23

Yes, but they could be rushing round the kitchen etc. cooking, prepping and so on. The cook doesn't really relax until after dinner is served.

Speak for yourself. We have a full Christmas lunch that doesnt include 'the cook's spending most of the day rushing around

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