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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 08/12/2019 12:04

Going by username is DH new?

Lulualla · 08/12/2019 12:05

If you could only save the life of your husband or of your kids, which would you pick? If it's your husband then you sort of are a the worst mother ever.

formerbabe · 08/12/2019 12:07

I doubt you love your husband more than your kids. You probably enjoy spending time with your husband over your kids though...which is totally fine and understandable, especially when your children are demanding and difficult.

icklekid · 08/12/2019 12:07

I know my dh would agree with you as he definitely prefers to spend time with me over the children. I lean towards the other way and choose our children over him... we both have to adjust and compromise. They won’t be children forever but obviously we will both always be there for them but life and priorities change at different times!

adriennewillfly · 08/12/2019 12:07

Best wife ever though, so swings and roundabouts...

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/12/2019 12:08

If it's your husband then you sort of are a the worst mother ever.

As a kid who was badly abused by my parents, I'd disagree.

Etinox · 08/12/2019 12:09

How new is the relationship?

formerbabe · 08/12/2019 12:09

I love my DC more than my DH...I'd throw him under a bus for them!

However if you said I could either go for dinner with just him tonight or my DC, I'd choose the former!

Babybel90 · 08/12/2019 12:10

It’s a different sort of love though isn’t it, it’s not a case of more or less, I love my DH conditionally, I love my parents and siblings less conditionally than DH and love my DD unconditionally.

CountYourRoosters · 08/12/2019 12:10

I would never choose. It's a completely different type of love but entirely equal

dreamerofdreams27 · 08/12/2019 12:11

I think the love you have for a partner is completely different to your kids. You probably don't necessarily love him more but just in a different way. Kids are hard work and you probably get more from your dh. I would say I enjoy doing stuff with dh more than dc because I'm an adult and I enjoy adult things. But I get a total different type of enjoyment and satisfaction from doing things with the dc. And I have to say when it comes to them my maternal protectiveness overrides everything.

fairynick · 08/12/2019 12:11

I hate the idea that goes around that a mother being anything but obsessed with her children is a bad mother.
You don’t have to love your children more than anyone you’ve ever encountered or always put them first to be a good mum.
You can love them, raise them, be there for them, but still love your partner or parents more.
There are people out there who never really bonded with their children, pnd etc, and it doesn’t make them bad parents. You can’t force something that isn’t there.
I’m sure you’re a wonderful parent and a wonderful wife! Being a mother doesn’t mean being a saint or a pushover.

Lulualla · 08/12/2019 12:12

For most people, it's a different kind of love and the love for your children would simply overpower the love for your husband in any serious circumstance. You can enjoy time with your husband more, because it would also be rarer! And you can enjoy the conversation more, but that doesn't mean you love him more. But the OP doesn't see it like that and doesn't feel it like that. So that's pretty bad.

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2019 12:12

I think the love for a partner and then for children can't be compared as it's completely different.

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 08/12/2019 12:13

I like my husband more than my kids but if it came to it I'd save them over him and I hope he'd do the same. That said you feel how you feel and you are allowed to!

Ghostoast · 08/12/2019 12:15

I thought it would be because he was their dad but from your username it seems not...
It's a different kind of love, but if you'd save him before saving the kids yeah that's shitty.

Alte · 08/12/2019 12:15

YANBU - you chose your DH, you didn't choose your kids

keepingbees · 08/12/2019 12:16

It's not really comparable as motherly love is different to anything else imo.
But I can't imagine loving anyone more than my children ever.

RJnomore1 · 08/12/2019 12:16

I’ve had an absolute hammering for this on here in the past but I agree.

I adore my children but my husbands the one I chose to spend my life with. My kids will and are growing up and moving on to other things at 15 and 19 and I am no longer the primary relationship in at least the oldest ones life. That’s the way it should be.

As to who I would save, it would be whichever of the three at that point was the most vulnerable. So ten years ago I’d have saved the littlest because she needed more help that the other two. Now it would depend ok the circumstances.

I actually think it’s really irresponsible to revolve your world around your children and puts a huge strain on them as they desire more independence. This is based on my own mother. I was determined to give mine the space they needed to be who they are and that meant maintaining my partnership with my husband as a priority.

anothernamejeeves · 08/12/2019 12:17

Interesting topic and interesting username....

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/12/2019 12:18

It's a completely different type of love but entirely equal

See I don't think it is equal.
I love my kids more than anything or anyone - my DH and even my late DM and I thought I loved her more than anyone till I had my children.

Lex234 · 08/12/2019 12:19

Surely its a different kind of love? There is nothing my children could do to make me not love them, but plenty DH could do to make me not love him. If it came to the crunch, my children would come first every single time but obviously DH and I chose each other so our relationship is special in that way. Spending time with children/spending time with DH is completely different as well. Children are for the most part draining, especially when they are younger, and their interests/level tends to drive the activity, whereas with DH it tends to be (mainly!) mutual interests. Its just different.

TheSquitz · 08/12/2019 12:23

You can't help how you feel.

Original poster
Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:23

@Lulualla I’d save my kids hands down. He’d do the same

OP posts:
carolinelucaseshandbag · 08/12/2019 12:24

I agree that it's a different kind of love. My kids drive me to distraction, aren't always easy to be around, and add a layer of stress to my life that I could never have anticipated before I had them. But equally I absolutely adore them, they are mine, I MADE them! It's much easier and enjoyable spending time with DH. He a lovely man, but also an adult so he behaves and if he pisses me off I can tell him! So much less challenging than my children.
It's just different.