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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:

Elvesdontdomagic · 08/12/2019 13:38

I think the worst part is saying it so openly like it's a thing of comparison in the first place.

It's great you love your DH but it's disloyal to have family favourites when children are 100% head over heels for their mums/parents and that's all they know.

My 3yo just gave me a huge hug and said 'I love you' for only the 2nd time in her life (social delays) and I'd HATE her to think I loved anyone else more! I love my 3 DC's and I love my other family members but I don't have a scoring system that's awful.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PixieDustt · 08/12/2019 13:40

@MayFayner I also thought exactly this.

It might be a different sort of love but hands down I love DS way more than I do DP. He knows this and it's the way it should be imo

Poppinjay · 08/12/2019 13:40

That doesn’t make sense @StoppinBy. How could you hate the person they become and still love them?

That's what unconditional love means.

Daisy7654 · 08/12/2019 13:41

I love my kids more than anyone else, including more than their dad or any man.

With men love is quite conditional, (eg see other post today no lists! for cleaning).
With my kids it's endless and unconditional.

PicsInRed · 08/12/2019 13:43

I once read it said that you cherish your children and respect your spouse. I think that's a good way of differentiating the two types of love.

loseyourself · 08/12/2019 13:44

If you could only save the life of your husband or of your kids, which would you pick? If it's your husband then you sort of are a the worst mother ever.

@Lulualla That really is the fastest and clearest and fairest response to a thread ever. And still the thread rambles on.

dottiedodah · 08/12/2019 13:44

I think there is a difference really .Most people (Mums and Dads ) would save their children first as its a primal instinct .As far as spending time together you will have more in common with your partner (hopefully)! as being a similar age and outlook than your children .However most people like to spend time interacting with DC but cherish cosy nights in while said DC are asleep!

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/12/2019 13:47

That is exactly how the world should be.

Children FEEL SAFEST when Mum and Dad are bonded, they know where they stand and all is safe in their world.

A lot of family problems are caused because children are given too much power. It does not big them up. It frightens and confuses them.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 08/12/2019 13:52

I hate the notion that you should love your oh more because they will be around once the kids have gone. Until your oh cheats, you grown apart or one of you dies then who will you want to lean on then? One of your less favoured children no doubt

Daisy7654 · 08/12/2019 13:53

What if you can't respect you partner anymore @Screamingladysurch. I find your post old fashioned and judgemental and a bit (lot) 1950s

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangetheworld · 08/12/2019 13:55

I'd choose my children over my husband in a heartbeat. And he would do the same.

Those who said that love for your husband is conditional, while love for your children is unconditional have hit the nail on the head.

Ghostoast · 08/12/2019 13:58

Your eldest is 4, you've been with your husband 5 years? What the hell? And also I read that your husband has children with two other women. So he has children from 3 different women and you have children from 2 men and you love your husband more than your children. It sounds so chaotic I bet your kids have bad behaviour because they feel so insecure.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/12/2019 14:00

I definitely prefer my husband's company to my son's but if I imagined both of them in a fire.or both drowning say, I know that I would try to help DS first. I would throw myself I'm front of a bus to save Ds, without a second thought. For DH, I'd probably give it a few seconds to look for an alternative first.

However, I would definitely miss DH in my life more than DS.

Lifeinthedeep · 08/12/2019 14:05

@CareOfPunts

It would torture me to know my child had done something so despicable but i know that I would still love my child. It’s not a choice for me.

strawberrieshortcake · 08/12/2019 14:09

I think you are confusing ‘like’ with ‘love’.

MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 14:11

Yep.

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2019 14:12

"As to who I would save, it would be whichever of the three at that point was the most vulnerable. So ten years ago I’d have saved the littlest because she needed more help that the other two. Now it would depend ok the circumstances."

I find this odd. I would save DS before DH and I know he would do the same. I would want him to do the same. If DH died, I would be devastated beyond words but I would be able to go on. If DS died, I think that would be it for me.

As for being 'the mother of a killer' example, I would shop DS in an instant. But like a PP said, he would still be my child. I would hate what he did and would never understand why, but he would still be my child.

dreaming174 · 08/12/2019 14:14

Why do you have to love people more or less than others? Someone commenting about how much they loved their dm until they had their children, whats the need for comparison?

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2019 14:14

If I didn't love my partner an awful lot I wouldn't have had a child with him, I don't think it's at all weird to feel like you love them "the maximum" and find it hard to imagine saying there was a greater degree you could love them. That's why, to me, I think it's more natural to love them both an equally unconditional amount, but feel more protective instincts towards the child for obvious reasons of biology and vulnerability.

I think it's really sad that people view not saying "I love my husband less than my kids" as somehow cruel and heartless, surely not having a hierarchy is the most loving way to feel? What you said was just the same but the other way around - it probably just sounded harsh to hear out loud, but in my opinion is no less harsh than the reverse.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2019 14:15

sorry I meant no more harsh at the end.

MarshaBradyo · 08/12/2019 14:17

Are the dc from a previous relationship?

I don’t know, it’s not what I would say, be careful you’re not casting them into more negative light because they remind you of someone you’re not with anymore.

MarshaBradyo · 08/12/2019 14:17

God no to the miss dc less. But each to their own I suppose.

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