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AIBU?

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Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
MrsBricks · 08/12/2019 13:01

It's easier spending time with my DH, I'd rather be in a bar drinking cocktails with him than wiping shitty bums or listening to a monologue about Minecraft!

But, the love I feel for my kids is totally different to what I feel for my DH. I'd always choose the kids first.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/12/2019 13:02

I don’t think this is so unusual and on different levels - is it wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be so many emotionally damaged adults

Lots of parents out their desire to be with another partner put their partners wants/needs above their children

Lots of parents neglect their children and they are so caught up in a damaging relationships

And then some people although they love their children and meet their needs they just don’t have those strong maternal/paternal feelings

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/12/2019 13:04

That doesn’t make sense @StoppinBy. How could you hate the person they become and still love them?

I think it makes perfect sense. I would still love them if they had committed those awful acts but I'd wonder where the hell it all went wrong and I would hate what they had become.

MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 13:05

I am confused. You have been with your dh 5 years but have a 4 year old with your ex?

Butchyrestingface · 08/12/2019 13:05

Aaron Campbell’s own mother has disowned him so perhaps she feels the same.

She shopped him, certainly. And I've read that she's too scared to visit him but not that she's cut all ties. Apparently the father has (if you believe what you read). She was quoted as saying her husband and darling boy both blame her for his current predicament. Hmm

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 08/12/2019 13:08

Husband wins here!

Saharafordessert · 08/12/2019 13:08

Why do you feel the need for love to be a competition?
There are all sorts of different love, the fact that you’re listing people in order of preference isn’t right to me.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2019 13:09

The love for one's spouse is very different than the love for one's children. You really can't compare them or quantify them, they actually feel different. The Ancient Greeks had six words for love, so they understood that there are different kinds of love. Love of one's children has one name (Storge), love of one's spouse had another (Pragma).

I love my husband every bit as much as my children. But I would save my children first, hands down. And I would expect my DH to do the same.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/12/2019 13:11

I am sure Aaron Campbell asks herself Ofer and over again where did I go wrong and it must be utterly heartbreaking to know what you child has done to another child

I don’t think you would have the same emotions with a partner as you are in no way responsible for the person

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 08/12/2019 13:12

I'd like for him I'd die for them.

CoastalWave · 08/12/2019 13:16

You made your children. They're part of you. Of course you're supposed to love them more!!!

I would definitely save my kids over my husband....and I love my husband to bits!

I'm of the side that thinks it's a bit odd to love a man more than your own flesh and blood...

PooWillyBumBum · 08/12/2019 13:18

I’m in the minority here but I love them about the same, I think! I’d save kids first because they’re kids, but I try and balance their needs with our happiness and I don’t feel miles and miles more love for my kids than my husband. I think my husband would actually choose the kids, though, and that’s okay too.

My MIL says her mum always put her dad first (for instance sending kids to boarding school when her dad had to work in africa, so she could follow him there) and she actually doesn’t resent her for it in the slightest! She says it very matter of factly: she felt loved, but her father was the great love of her mother’s life and would always come first. I’m not sure I’d go to that extreme but I don’t think it’s necessarily terrible to have these feelings.

poltergust · 08/12/2019 13:18

If you could only save the life of your husband or of your kids, which would you pick? If it's your husband then you sort of are a the worst mother ever.

This is so childish. Are we 8 years old?

luckygreeneyes · 08/12/2019 13:20

Yeah, I’d quite happily shove DH in front of a bus for kids

poltergust · 08/12/2019 13:21

I was actually thinking about this yesterday. I love my DD so intensely but I don't think I love either my child or husband 'more' ... it's just different.

When you have another baby I understand you just get a fresh allocation of love for that child, it doesn't take some away from the other. Our families are the same.

It's different and the love for my child is more in my face almost but it's pointless comparing.

cjpark · 08/12/2019 13:22

I think love evolves and changes with time. You've been with your partner for 5 years. You are probably still discovering new things, its exciting, its new. It sounds like your kids are still young and hard work. I don't think this about love, but lust and what you find most enjoyable.
Give it another 20 years, the wisdom of time and I think you'll find hopefully love isn't about quantity or measurement.

edwinbear · 08/12/2019 13:22

Christ. No man will ever take priority over my children, ever. They win hands down, every time - which is how it should be.

Theromanempire · 08/12/2019 13:23

I'm glad that others didn't rate Emma's Cha Cha - it looked really awkward, stilted and that she had forgotten the steps at least twice! The judges comments and scores were definitely on the generous side Hmm

Theromanempire · 08/12/2019 13:23

Gosh, wrong thread...So sorry BlushBlush

poltergust · 08/12/2019 13:29

I never get why people have to quantify or have a hierarchy like this.

This.

It's beyond childish.

Love is a complicated thing. When I had PND in those early days I thought I didn't love my daughter. But when I got back on an even keel it was just there like a switch had gone on. Your brain compartmentalises things and as you say you're having a hard time with your children, it's likely these thoughts are related to that. You can love your husband dearly and prefer that feeling of love whilst still loving your kids.

Would you wake up in the night, feed, clothe, teach etc your DH for years? Probably not. You're focusing on the glossy fluffy love rather than the maternal baseline love you almost certainly have within you, as one is more apparent at the moment and easier to understand.

The concept of 'who would you save first' is so stupid too. 99% of people would try to logically save everyone they could, likely starting with who was closest physically at the time or in most danger. No one in a fire or crisis thinks back to their mental list of preference for the family.

firstimemamma · 08/12/2019 13:30

Each to their own but I personally believe that as mothers we should love our children more than anything or anyone.

I love my son unconditionally and completely, it's just indescribable to me. My fiancé and I love each other too - we were made for each other and in love but it's a different kind of love to the deep love we have for our child.

poltergust · 08/12/2019 13:31

care Really?

Not even if they turned out to be like the kids who killed James Bulger or Alesha MacPhail?

I don’t think I could love any human being who did something like thar.

--

I absolutely would. Those people didn't turn out that way by accident. We are responsible for guiding our children and in the absence of severe mental health issues them taking that kind of path would almost certainly be in part down to something we had done.

The love for my DD is unconditional and it means unconditional. You can love someone but not like their actions.

Xmasfairy86 · 08/12/2019 13:34

It’s definitely different love.

I love them all. I don’t particularly like my kids today, doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

It’s not something you can stop. I could stop loving my DH though, as I chose to love him.

I know I prefer spending time with DH most of the time! as the kids just don’t want to do the same things as me/us. Time with them is different, chaotic, fun sometimes! and sometimes stressful.

Xmasfairy86 · 08/12/2019 13:36

But, I don’t need to hear how people love their kids more than life and would die for them. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids as much as they do. I just don’t feel the need to broadcast it.

MayFayner · 08/12/2019 13:37

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around

The one that isn’t your husband’s? So he’s in a family with a step dad and a mother who prefers that step dad to him. Hmm. I wonder why he’s “hard work” 🤔