Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 08/12/2019 19:31

Kids win, sorry!
Agree that I prefer (usually) time with husband but if push came to shove I’d save the kids. It’s unconditional love isn’t it?

pinkstripeycat · 08/12/2019 19:32

Don’t get this OP. I worked with a girl who used to say the same about her so and DH and everyone thought she was strange

merrymouse · 08/12/2019 19:37

Yes but unconditional does not = stronger or more.

But that is one of the many reasons why it is a silly comparison.

I'm aware that there's more of a chance I will have my daughter in my life for longer than my partner, but that doesn't mean I have to love him less

The difference is not length of relationship - it's a completely different type of relationship.

Yestermost · 08/12/2019 19:41

I have a stepson and I realised early on that DSS came first. This made me fall even more in love with DH. Kids are loved unconditionally forever whereas feelings for partners can fade. 20 years I have the pleasure of loving DH, DSS and our own kids but all in different ways.

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2019 20:06

merrymouse

I know the difference isn't length of relationship, that's a part of what I was saying. Equating unconditional love with loving them more implies the fact that I might one day choose to split from my partner for whatever reason means I must love him less now. I don't feel I do, I love them differently but have any equally large amount of love for both of them.

Whatsername177 · 08/12/2019 20:22

For me (and I accept it is a completely personal thing) my love for my dh is conditional. For my dds, its unconditional. Even if they did something horrific - as my children, I'd still love then, even if I didn't like them. I'd blame myself. I feel it would be our (mine and dh) failing if they grew up to murder someone in cold blood. Or it would be a result of a mental health disorder so twisted that I would hate myself for not seeing it and preventing it. But I haven't got the luxury of choosing not to love them.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 20:33

It's definitely a little unhealthy to fuss so much about who you love 'more'. Though it's probably less damaging, in the long run, to prioritize your DC over your partner, even if that means your partner leaves, than to prioritize your partner over your DC to the extent that they feel second-best or just unimportant. There are women, after all, who are so desperate to Keep Their Man that they condone or even enable the man's mistreatment of the DC (whether that's bullying levels of 'discipline' or something worse). I think on balance the parent-child relationship, at least until the DC are old enough to fend for themselves, has to be more important than the couple-relationship, though an ideal set-up means that everyone feels loved and appreciated.

Because it can also be a little unhealthy to 'love' your DC so much that you can't let go of them as they get older. You need to have other people and interests in life for yourself, whether that's work, hobbies - or a partner. As I said upthread, I don't have a partner and am not interested in couple-relationships, but my work matters to me and so do my friends and other family members.

DamsonDress · 08/12/2019 20:35

I think I understand what you're getting at.

I love my kids first and foremost but right now they can be so entitled, difficult and unpleasant that I certainly like other people more.

Goodness. Some days I think I'd like herpes more.

I love the little sods completely and utterly but when we thought about having children it was about babies, toddlers, sleepless nights and tantrums. In hindsight a breeze. This tween and teen bit. God. Thankless task it is.

Some days I want to press the pause button to stop them growing so fast but many days I want to press the ejector button to get one of us out of here.

I never thought I'd say that back when I was enjoying their very smell.

SimonJT · 08/12/2019 20:35

It’s different love, the love for a child is also largely unconditional. If my partner pulled just half the shit my son pulls he would be dumped fairly swiftly!

user838383 · 08/12/2019 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lynzpynz · 08/12/2019 20:40

I think making it a 'competition' in the first place is where this goes wrong. You love them all in different ways and would do anything for all of them. You are IN love with your DH (which is lovely!) and you love your children. Together they are your whole world and that's how it should be. Don't compare the two, in my eyes the love you feel for each of them is incomparable, different yet special in their own way.

nespressowoo · 08/12/2019 21:03

I love my DH with all my heart but I absolutely love our DS more than him.

Poetryinaction · 08/12/2019 21:03

Why compare? I cannot imagine loving anyone more fiercely or more completely than my kids. I could not live without them. I don't feel like that about dh.

nespressowoo · 08/12/2019 21:04

It is a different love for sure.

Poetryinaction · 08/12/2019 21:09

Just noticed someone said if they could choose between being a single mum or a happily childfree person in a relationship, they'd choose the latter. Not me! Kids every time.

AloneLonelyLoner · 08/12/2019 21:16

My parents love each other more than they ever loved us kids. My mother even told me something very hurtful about when my brother died that she could handle losing him, but not her husband, so God had been kind to her. This felt awful to hear.

My siblings and I have been damaged by the knowledge we always came second to something we could never compete with. We had each other at least.

It shouldn't be a competition. You shouldn't have to compete with your dad for your mum's time and affection. It's fucked up.

Lizzie0869 · 08/12/2019 22:56

@AloneLonelyLoner

That's awful. The worst thing about that is that she actually told you that, it was so wrong. My DM told us that she loved our F more than us. Now she can't understand why we didn't tell her that he was abusing us. Why would we have thought that she would protect us from him?

He'd pulled the wool over her eyes and convinced her that he was this wonderful husband and father.

Children need to know that their parents put their safety and welfare first, otherwise how will they know that they can trust them. And when children can't trust their parents, the world is a very scary place.

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2019 23:13

"I really did adore him and the Gottman research agrees marriages are healthier and more intimate when you see the kids as visitors to your life but your partner as your teammate forever."

That's just weird.

kateandme · 09/12/2019 04:14

i wanted to ask my parents this this evening.i was thinking how different i think there answers might be.but i didnt.i got too scared of what they might say.(we are all older so that protetive mum love might not be there so much) weve put them through alot Blush

Toomanygerbils · 09/12/2019 04:22

I love my hubby but I love my SD more, I’ve known her since she was 2. I know he loves her more too. She’s 20 now and we’re still together so no choice needed, but she’s always known we’d both choose her

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2019 08:23

I'd be suspicious of that Gottman research, TBH. Sounds like MRA bullshit - telling women that what matters most of all is keeping their male owners happy.
Kids thrive being brought up by single parents, with half-siblings, by parents who are not together but both actively involved in the kids' lives and on amicable terms with one another... And it's always better to dump a partner who is making you miserable, especially if that partner is abusive, than to 'stay together for the DC's sake'.

Nonnymum · 09/12/2019 08:29

My children and grandchildren are the only people I love unconditionally. I could never stop living them no matter what they did. I may disapprove or even sometimes dislike them but would never stop loving them. I don't feel that way about my DH so I would say I love them more.

Lizzie0869 · 09/12/2019 08:35

Children need to know most of all that they can trust their parents to keep them safe no matter what, and for this to be so they need to know that you put them first.

That can't be the case if you tell them that you love your DH more than them.

onionandsage · 09/12/2019 08:50

I cannot imagine loving anyone more fiercely or more completely than my kids. I could not live without them. I don't feel like that about dh.

See I do feel like that about my DH. I’m currently pregnant with my first and think it’s impossible to compare one type of love with the other really. I’m sure I will love my child a lot, but in a very different way.

ForalltheSaints · 09/12/2019 08:51

It is not how you feel but how you act towards your DH and DC that matters. I have three nephews and have a favourite one by far but never let it show.

Swipe left for the next trending thread