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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/12/2019 14:20

I don't think you do love your DH more than you love your DC. I think you love them differently, but you have less trouble from your DH so it makes you think you love him more than them.

But you'd save them first - so they are a higher priority, and that's really as it should be, especially when they're small and dependent.

I remember a poster on here years ago (she might still be here, dunno) who would save her husband first because she definitely prioritised him and their relationship over her DC. I thought that was really sad for her DC, especially if they ever read about it!

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/12/2019 14:22

I agree Jesus

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:25

There is nothing I hold back. No part of my love is cordoned off to protect myself from loss.

Jesus, I knew the competitive “I love my kids soooooooo much” brigade would be out in force but this is absolutely hilarious. Do people actually speak like this in real life?

MarshaBradyo · 08/12/2019 14:26

I know Dh is his own person and if at some point he decides to go then I would feel all the usual terrible emotions but not comparable to not seeing my dc.

Lizzie0869 · 08/12/2019 14:26

I think that if by loving your DH more than your kids you mean that you like being with him more than them, then I would agree. I love my DDs more than anything (they're adopted and we fought hard to have them), but DD1 in particular (now 10) has very challenging behaviour. I obviously don't like it when she has meltdowns and throws whatever is to hand. She kicked her iPad viciously and broke it.

But both DH and I put our DDs first in all the decisions we make and our lives revolve around them, so we definitely don't actually love each other than we love them. It's impossible to compare the two.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:28

That's what unconditional love means.

Yes I know. But I don’t think people are being honest with themselves. I can’t believe anyone would love the likes of Aaron Campbell whether they gave birth to him or not. Most people thankfully aren’t tested to prove their love for their children to that extent so it’s very easy to parrot the words.

Faith50 · 08/12/2019 14:32

My view is if I lost my husband, as devastating as it would be, I could meet another man and marry again. My children cannot be replaced.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/12/2019 14:32

I am intrigued by this whole who do you save first argument. At what stage does DH take precedence over dcs? Does it stop when they become adults? How do you prioritize one child over another? As an example I remeber reading somewhere after the boxing day tsunami a child had asked their parent which of them or their siblings the parent would hold onto whilst also holding on to something to stop being swept away. I rather suspect that in an actual life or death situation reactions would not be at all what you would expect.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:33

Those people didn't turn out that way by accident. We are responsible for guiding our children and in the absence of severe mental health issues them taking that kind of path would almost certainly be in part down to something we had done

It was made clear in the Alesha MacPhail case that although his upbringing wasn’t perfect that it had had no impact on the case. I also know someone who knows someone who’s the mother of another high profile murderer and he along with his siblings had a great upbringing and he still committed an evil and vile crime. It was nothing to do with his upbringing. It’s easy just to blame parents all the time because that way you can kid yourself on you’ll never be in that position because you’re a better parent.

Ginger1982 · 08/12/2019 14:36

"I can’t believe anyone would love the likes of Aaron Campbell whether they gave birth to him or not."

I don't believe you can switch love on and off for your child though, the way you could do for your partner.

JenniferM1989 · 08/12/2019 14:36

I think you're confused OP. From all your responses, it doesn't sound like you love your DH more, it sounds more like you like him/enjoy his company more. You'd still save your kids over him, pick them over him if push came to shove but in general, he's easier to be around because he doesn't misbehave and cause you stress.

You've got a naughty child and that's tiring. It probably feels better around your DH as you feel supported where as alone with the kids, it feels very thankless at times.

If I was to word your title again, I would say 'I like spending time with my DH more than I do my kids at the moment, advice please'.

So no, you aren't a bad mum. A bit fed up probably. Use that bond with your DH to tackle the eldests behaviour

formerbabe · 08/12/2019 14:37

If I had to choose between my dc and my dh...I'd choose my dc every time.

However, theoretically, if I could choose a life as either a single mum or a happily married childfree person, I'd choose the latter.

merrymouse · 08/12/2019 14:38

For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them

it sounds as though you love them both, but that at the moment you like your husband more.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alsohuman · 08/12/2019 14:42

A love for a partner should always be conditional. A love for a child should not

I agree with the first part of this, not the second. Unless you were Violet Kray, how could you love your child if they did terrible things to another human being? I definitely wouldn’t.

merrymouse · 08/12/2019 14:43

Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents

I think this illustrates why you can't compare the two relationships.

If your husband's behaviour made you a nervous wreck you would probably consider leaving him.

However, parents stick by their children even when they aren't being 'gentle and kind'.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:44

*And yeah, I do speak like this in real life. I show my son how much I love him all the time.

And my OH...I'm a very loving person*

Me as well, I manage to do it without spouting a lot of bullshit about cordons, hierarchies and shoving people under buses though.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:44

Agreed @Alsohuman

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2019 14:45

*There is nothing I hold back. No part of my love is cordoned off to protect myself from loss.

With healthy adult relationships, there are conditions, barriers and boundaries to one's love. Or there ought to be, imo. I will never give myself or all my love to my OH. I hold back enough to retain my sense of self and my self-possession. He won't get my all.*

I think there are some natural reasons why a parent would end up loving their children more - the early years of parenting are hard on a romantic relationship and can put them under a lot of strain, and monogamy is tough as the years go by and boredom sets in, it's a challenge knowing we will never be newly in love again, whereas loving your children for life is a natural evolutionary instinct for most.

However, I don't hold back with my partner. We love each other assuming we are going to be together forever and go through life as a partnership. If it doesn't work it we will deal with that when it comes to it, but we don't hold back, it's all part of making the most of our lives.

WeirdCatLady · 08/12/2019 14:45

God no! I really hope you’ve never told your children this Shock

I adore my d’h, and he feels the same about me. But NO WAY would I put him ahead of our dd.

Dd is grown now but she knows if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse, she and DH have to leave me to form a rear-guard while he makes sure she escapes Xmas Grin

Poorboy136 · 08/12/2019 14:45

I love my children more than anything and anyone in the world. They both know it, as I tell them they are more important to me than anyone/anything else in the world, including DH. DH also knows this and he accepts this too.

My god they get on my wick at times, BUT I will always love them more than anyone.

I8toys · 08/12/2019 14:46

Faith50 completely agree although I was be absolutely devastated. Also if it was a choice for both of us who we would save - I would sincerely hope he would save the children over me as I would.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 08/12/2019 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 14:51

A loved psychopath will always be a psychopath (probably drawn to commerce or law or medicine etc) An abused psychopath, unloved and uncared for in childhood, is likely to harm and abuse others

Any basis for this or did you just make it up?

Of course many criminals have had dreadful upbringings but by no means all. I think this is one of the things I found so distressing about the two cases I referred to. You could give your child a great upbringing and they could still turn out to be an evil fucker. You aren’t their puppeteer, they grow into adults with agency