To love husband more than our kids

[Singlemom82]

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

If you could only save the life of your husband or of your kids, which would you pick? If it's your husband then you sort of are a the worst mother ever.

There are women out their who have actually murdered their kids, so you're talking utter nonsense.

I don't feel like that but yanbu to feel like that yourself.

When I was a kid my DPs got an unexpected windfall and went to Paris for a week, something they'd dreamed of. My DBs and I were farmed out to various friends.

I remember finding the fact that my parents prioritized a romantic getaway together very reassuring. I felt happy and secure knowing how much they loved each other.

Most parents would always save their DC first in case of accident, but the primary relationship that brought the family into being is that between the parents, and it will last long after the DC have flown the nest. I look at my DPs and see it's true.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy that was lovely. My DH and I love going on romantic getaways. And obviously you were all fine. So many couples find that they've grown apart once their children have grown up because they didn't prioritise their relationship.

There's a world of difference between that and prioritising your relationship over the welfare of your children.

I’m really surprised at how many say they love people in different ways and can’t compare. I love everyone in exactly the same way, love to me is just love. I have that same warm feeling across my chest and I feel a bit dizzy. It doesn’t matter who they are.

I may have other feelings that go with the love - like enjoying ones company over others, finding one more interesting, one more funny, and enjoy doing different activities with each one; swimming with ds1, drawing with ds2, singing with dd and sex with dh for example but I can enjoy all of these things with other people I’m sure and they are detachable from the love I feel. If I stopped being able to do those activities with them the love would still be there. It is not dependant on anything really. I still love my ex husband as much as I ever did. I don’t really stop loving people.

To me the love is separate and it is exactly the same and easily compared.

But the way that feeling of love manifests itself in my body feels exactly the same, is what I mean. I love my kids more. I know this because I can easily compare the feelings. I don’t think there is a different type of love. I think maternal love is the same love as normal love but with other feelings at the same time, like a desperate desire to nourish and nurture and protect.

Love for your sexual partner is still the same love as normal love just with lust and passion feelings too. But underneath the feelings of love for me are just love, which then can be more or less for different people. So I know I love my children more, as once I remove the extras attached to both relationships the love is still stronger for them.