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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:24

@TheQueef no not new we’ve been together 5 years.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 12:26

This has been done before, there was a lengthy thread on it. The overwhelming response was it was a different kind of love but kids should win hands down for any parent.

It's also not a competition, and if your kids feel like you love your husband more then they may be in for a life time of therapy.

A love for a partner should always be conditional. A love for a child should not.

christmassymcchristmas · 08/12/2019 12:26

Such an easy question for me. My kids, every time.

Oblomov19 · 08/12/2019 12:28

I love my husband a lot. My ds's aren't appreciate of how hard I work at being a mum. But I think that comes with age.

As pp's have said, it's a different kind of love.

Original poster
Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:29

@Ghostoast sorry it’s a very very old username I don’t post much on here. He’s the father of one of my children but he has raised my oldest from a baby as his dad wasn’t around

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 08/12/2019 12:29

I think you need to change your username, it's like false advertising.

flirtygirl · 08/12/2019 12:30

I actually think you sound reasonable but maybe you worded it badly so you friend was aghast.

Wanderlusting99 · 08/12/2019 12:30

This is a heartbreaking concept. Those kids will without a doubt pick up on the fact they're playing second fiddle to your husband. Enjoying being around them when they're playing up is completely different to loving them less though so I'm kind of holding out hope this is just badly worded. I love my husband to bits, but my love for my kids is unconditional, even when they play up or disappoint me I don't love them less, whereas if he was to develop a drug habit, gambling problem, become violent, cheat etc, it sure as hell would change my feelings for him to the 'get out my life' variety.

madcatladyforever · 08/12/2019 12:31

You need to define love really, it isn't the same as like or enjoy.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 08/12/2019 12:32

As to who I would save, it would be whichever of the three at that point was the most vulnerable

Whoa your kids are 15 and 19 but you might still save your DH first? I don't think that's right, sorry.

x2boys · 08/12/2019 12:33

As others say it's a different type of love , love for your children is unconditional ,I expect even the mothers of people who commit murder still love them even though they hate what they have done ,love for your spouse is conditional.

Original poster
Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:33

@RJnomore1 I agree, we both always put the needs of the kids first always.

If we couldn’t afford for us all to eat they’d eat first, I’d save them from a burning room before him.

Just sometimes they are just hard work, I was trying to explain that once the kids are grown we will just have each other.

I guess people are right I just enjoy spending time with my husband more than I do my kids. Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with my kids too but it’s not always fun

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 12:34

I agree with several pp that it's simply a different kind of love that you feel for a partner. And there is too much piety and judging about how much a woman should 'love' her children.
(I am happily single so my DS is definitely the person I love most in the world.)

rumandbiscuits · 08/12/2019 12:35

As other people have said it's a different type of love and really not comparable imo. Personally the love I have for my DD is an extremely protective and overwhelming love that I do find difficult to put into words really. She could come to me and tell me she has killed someone and I would still love her whereas i wouldn't my OH. However if I had to pick between a day with my OH or a day with my DD I'd pick my OH because he's easier and better company (sometimes). I definitely love my DD more than my OH and I know my OH loves my DD more than he does me I would be upset if he didn't.
I can see why your friend was taken a back by what you have said I doubt you are alone in your feelings though.

Bluerussian · 08/12/2019 12:36

I don't think you're unreasonable, many feel as you do but you're not comparing like for like; love for spouse and love for children are different types of love.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 12:36

There is nothing my children could do to make me not love them

Really?

Not even if they turned out to be like the kids who killed James Bulger or Alesha MacPhail?

I don’t think I could love any human being who did something like thar.

Original poster
Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:37

@Wanderlusting99 they don’t play second fiddle to my husband in the slightest, that’s a very big assumption.

OP posts:
CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 12:37

I never get why people have to quantify or have a hierarchy like this.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 08/12/2019 12:37

My love for my husband is conditional, there are things he could do that would result in me leaving him, my love for my son is unconditional.

museumum · 08/12/2019 12:38

I love my children more than anything ever.
But I love spending time with my husband.

My kids give me their love but they don’t and nor should they support me, care for me, boost me up.
Every minute I’m with my children I’m thinking entirely of their needs. When I’m with my dh without the children (even just at home when they’re asleep) he thinks of my needs and it’s amazing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/12/2019 12:38

I love spending time with my children definitely more than Dp. I love Dp but he has become a grumpy old man.

Dc and I are always laughing and joking with each other whereas Dp sits there with a frown on his face.

If I go out with Dp on my own he has only one topic of conversation. Atm it is the election. Fine to talk about for 10-15 minutes but for hour upon hour it is so boring.

Do I love my kids more than my Dp. Absolutely
Are they the centre of my universe
Absolutely
Does that mean I don’t have any part of my life that doesn’t involve them.
No

OldGrinch · 08/12/2019 12:39

I love my children more than anything in the world. The fact they often drive me round the bend is nothing to do with it. It's not the same as any other type of love and it's not equal.

DuggeesWoggle · 08/12/2019 12:39

I’d save my kids hands down. He’d do the same

So you do love your kids more than your husband. You just like your husband more right now. That's ok. Kids can be hard. You don't have to like them all the time. You can still carry on loving them by meeting all their needs.

stophuggingme · 08/12/2019 12:39

I don’t identify with this at all.
I will never love anyone more than my three children. End of.

Orangeblossom78 · 08/12/2019 12:40

Feelings / emotions just are. They are just there- not right or wrong

It is how you act and be around your DC that matters

(from someone with neglectful parents who always proclaimed dramatically their 'love')

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