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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love husband more than our kids

232 replies

Singlemom82 · 08/12/2019 12:03

I had a discussion with someone last night about my husband and kids, I said I loved my husband more than my kids and I was made to feel like the worst mother ever.

My kids are hard work, the oldest one especially, he’s not the easiest child to be around. Sadly some days I just don’t enjoy being around him, he’s getting better as he’s getting older but there have been times when I’ve been a nervous wreck with his behaviour, the teachers struggle with him and so do my parents. I always enjoy being around my husband and he’s my soul mate gentle and kind.

Am I so awful for feeling like this? For the record my kids are loved, I’d die for them, they are well looked after and we do lots of nice things together as a family, they have lots of nice things.

OP posts:
x2boys · 08/12/2019 12:40

It would be very difficult not to love your children @CareOfPunts even if they commit terrible crimes and you hate what they have done ,most people still love their children unconditionally.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 08/12/2019 12:41

I think at times like this it's good to make light of it to DD, she needs to really know that you are fine, and in control and that things like this just happen. If you make too much out of it, you might freak her out and make her think that you are unravelling in a scary way.

Orangeblossom78 · 08/12/2019 12:41

"I guess people are right I just enjoy spending time with my husband more than I do my kids. Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with my kids too but it’s not always fun"

Well yes because you are an adult. It's Ok to feel like this.

StoppinBy · 08/12/2019 12:42

@CareOfPunts I think so, If that was the case I would probably hate the person they became but my love for them would never waver I don't think.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/12/2019 12:42

Your children will always be your children, nothing ever changes that. Spouses, given the divorce rates, can come and go sadly.

I’d find it strange that someone loved their husband more than there own offspring and even more so if they expressed that view out loud.

stophuggingme · 08/12/2019 12:43

@CareOfPunts I disagree.

As a mother, if your child was to do something heinous you would find it hateful, them hateful, you would be beyond devastated but that doesn’t mean you could jut turn off the love you have for them having carried them, raised them and done your best to keep them happy, safe and thrive.

.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 08/12/2019 12:44

Sorry OP posted on wrong thread!

SecondaryBurnzzz Sun 08-Dec-19 12:41:09

NoSauce · 08/12/2019 12:44

I don’t love my kids any more than I do DH. It’s just different.

formerbabe · 08/12/2019 12:45

I think love and happiness can be separate.

You probably love your children more than your husband, but day to day, your husband probably makes your life happier than your children do.

Jeleste · 08/12/2019 12:45

Its 2 different loves.
I prefer being around my husband. If i have to choose who to spend a day with then DH would win over my kids any time.
If there was an accident and i can only save either DH or the kids, it will always be the kids.
Like pp, i would throw DH under a bus for my kids.

SusieOwl4 · 08/12/2019 12:47

my mother always would give my dad priority - silly things like he would have the cream off the milk , could choose his meals etc . when asked why she said " when you children grow up and marry and move out I will still be your dad so we treat each other well " they have been married for over 65 years now.
so I guess she was right. I think its just a different type of love tbh.

Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2019 12:48

I’m a single mum so can’t really say I love my dh/dp more, I can’t imagine loving anyone more than my kids. There are times I don’t like them, my eldest is really hard to like sometimes, she has Aspergers and can come across as being very big headed and selfish, some days it upsets me that I don’t like being around her but I would do anything for her. My kids always come first and I will always love them way more than I could love anyone else.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 08/12/2019 12:49

I love my kids way more than DP. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t die for him, I would for my kids, that’s the difference.

CareOfPunts · 08/12/2019 12:50

That doesn’t make sense @StoppinBy. How could you hate the person they become and still love them?

@stophuggingme you can disagree if you like. I know I’d never love a child murderer or rapist under any circumstances. Aaron Campbell’s own mother has disowned him so perhaps she feels the same. Thankfully extreme examples and not something most of us will ever have to experience!

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 12:52

As @TheSquitz said, you can’t help how you feel.

I would try to not judge you if you were one of my friends but I couldn’t understand how you feel.
I love my DH deeply but not as much as I love DS.
My love for my baby is unconditional.
My marriage isn’t based on unconditional.

That’s the difference to me.

pigsDOfly · 08/12/2019 12:52

Do you think it's possible you're confusing 'love' with 'like' OP.

You find your eldest very hard work but would you want to be without him? If your DH behaved in a similar, more adult, version to the way your son is behaving would you stay with him?

Sometimes, when someone we love is behaving in a way that really tries our feelings towards them we might not like them so much at that time but we can still love them.

My eldest was a pretty difficult teenager and there were times when I found it hard to like him but I always loved him.

He's a grown man now, has been for some time, and he's very easy to like now.

I've always loved my children unconditionally, my exh, not so much.

chipsychopsy · 08/12/2019 12:52

Both my husband and I love and prioritise our children over anyone else. I wouldn't want it any other way.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/12/2019 12:52

It is a different kind of love, there are many different kinds of love. But the love for children generally tends to be unconditional and it would take a lot more awful behaviour from them than anybody else for me to go NC with them for example, not even sure I could do it actually. I think its unfair to ask who you would save first as it depends on who needs it. Unless you only have one child you cant make a choice other than the one who is most vulnerable at the moment in time.

ziggiestardust · 08/12/2019 12:55

You can not compare the two loves. My DS needs my protection and physical care in order to survive and thrive. My DH quite clearly does not Wink

The two loves also came from very different places. The love you have for your children also changes with time; one day I will have to let go of my DS and let him fly on his own.

Lightkeeper · 08/12/2019 12:55

It's a different type of love.

I mean my OH says that he comes way down the pecking order behind the dogs, horse, etc. – and he's only half-joking. I would dote on kids/dogs/horse but I love my husband. He's my soulmate (although one of my dogs would disagree and think it's him).

Wink
PumpkinP · 08/12/2019 12:56

I’m another one who is a single mum so can’t imagine ever feeling this way. I know I would never love anyone more than my kids anyway.

Rosebel · 08/12/2019 12:57

I agree it's a different type of love. My husband does prefer spending time with me instead of the children but I know he loves them and would lie down his life for them. To choose who I love more is impossible, it's just not the same sort of love.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2019 12:57

I understand enjoying being around your husband more as kids ARE hard work, but loving him more? I find that odd.

I know I'm a cynic but there is no guarantee that your relationship will last forever (and there's no such thing as soul mates either) but your children will always be your children.

ziggiestardust · 08/12/2019 12:58

Also the question ‘who would you save from certain death’ is utterly ridiculous and rather over simplifying things. OP didn’t ask about that hypothetical situation that would most likely never occur. Love is extremely complex and it’s normal to think about your feelings and what’s going on inside.

darkriver19886 · 08/12/2019 13:00

You can't help how you feel but, I would ask if one of your children stated your husband did something to them would you side with your child or your husband?

If you chose your husband then yes, I would think you were bad mother.