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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that PIL are buying her first bike?

216 replies

superslipper · 06/12/2019 20:52

Months ago, PIL asked if they could by DD4 a bike for her birthday. We said no, as we were planning on buying it for Christmas. I thought that was the end of it. PIL have now bought DD a bike for Christmas. Admittedly, we had decided against buying one just yet- various reasons- we can't afford it, have just had a newborn so it won't get any use for some time and DD isn't actually ready for pedals (she has SEN).
I'm majorly pissed off as her best Christmas present is now coming from PIL. Our presents will not have the wow factor compared with this. Plus I think her first bike should come from us. DD has also specified what colour bike she wants in the future- they've got a different colour.
AIBU to think that a child's first bike is something special and it should be us buying it when the time is right?
Please go easy on me if IABU. I've just had a baby and currently in baby blues mode.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 07/12/2019 10:09

Tbh most grandparents have more money thsn parebts so why not let them get the big gifts?
This year dd is getting a tv from my dad ( her reqiest)as i cannot afford it whilst im doing the stocking. She will love both.

2kids1mummy · 07/12/2019 10:21

I would feel exactly the same as you OP

(How do you vote on these thugs, can't work it out)

bananasandwicheseveryday · 07/12/2019 10:24

You complain that they are controlling and overbearing , but surely, by overriding your DH's wishes about even having a relationship with them, you are showing yourself to be just as controlling and overbearing?

If your Dh has made it clear he wants no relationship with them, why would you decide to continue with one anyway?

As for the bike, I don't see this a S such a big deal. My parents bought the first bike for dc1. As others have said, they were at a stage in their lives where money wasn't the issue, whereas to us, as parents to two young children finances were more of a struggle. Afaiwc, it meant dc1 got a wonderful present and we were able to buy the gifts that we could afford and not feel bad about him not having the bike he had requested. And whilst I always check with Dr and DIL first, we are now in a position where we have more money available so often end up buying, or sharing the cost of a 'bigger' present.
The bike, imo, is not important. The relationship between you, do and his parents is a much bigger concern.

Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 07/12/2019 10:33

At 4 she won't remember for a minute who got her the bike.We got my DDS off freegle but what she most liked was the bell,basket for her teddy and pink cycling helmet.

GetawayfromthatWelshtart · 07/12/2019 10:36

I'm now wondering if the OP would be "too busy" to help their DD learn to ride a bike if the OP had bought it, or is it just because the PIL bought the bike the OP will suddenly "not have the time with the new baby and all..."

Because if it's the latter then wow... that's a very unpleasant attitude to have.

A baby isn't attached to you or your DH 24/7 and if it is then you will have to use a sling. Simply move baby to your back and hey presto! 2 free arms to help your DD learn to ride her bike and give her a bit of one to one time with you or your DH.

I rarely remember my childhood but I have a solid memory of my mum and dad and siblings (and the dog!), sitting on the wall outside our house watching me learn to ride my bike with my oldest brother behind me.... that memory is over 40 years old.

Don't use your dislike and hatred against your PIL to rob your DD of making long lasting happy memories.

2kids1mummy · 07/12/2019 10:41

*i mean these things

LizB62A · 07/12/2019 10:41

I'd be upset that they're ignoring your specific request not to buy that specific present, and that they are also ignoring your daughter's express wish for a specific colour bike
Do they ignore your wishes in other areas too, and undermine your parenting decisions.
I know I'm in the minority here but I think YANBU

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 10:48

My parents bought all their grandchildren their first bike for Christmas the year they turned 4. If your parents said they were going to buy her a bike would it bother you in the same way?

Children's bikes are pretty cheap. If you can't afford it and are saving for it but intend on getting it anyway would you not be grateful that they have saved you money that it seems you can't afford? You told them not to get one for her birthday, as you wee going to get her one for Christmas. So they didn't get it, but then saved you the money at Christmas by buying what you told them you were going to get anyway.

I think your reaction to the offer is because you don't particularly like them. If it was someone you liked you would probably be more appreciative.

Also, why are you pushing a relationship with people you don't like and who you find controlling and undermining? Why are you forcing that sort of relationship on to your daughter. Because you know best? Like your in laws think they know best? Maybe you have a lot more in common with your in laws than you think 😉

lanbro · 07/12/2019 10:54

My parents bought both my dds first proper bikes, and taught them to ride them. They also bought helmets and gloves, and I'm very grateful! My dad is a cycling enthusiast and it gave him great pleasure, and they saved me a fortune. I can now take them out and I run whilst they cycle, as a lone parent teaching 2 myself would have been tricky

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2019 10:58

Yabu and a little bit ungrateful.

OrangeSlices998 · 07/12/2019 11:03

OP if your thread is actually about manipulative and controlling GP who your DH wants nothing to do with, then post about that! If you want to cut them out then do it, don’t accept the bike, and buy it yourself. Or donate theirs and buy your own.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 11:06

If you are genuinely interested in encouraging and fostering a lovely relationship between your in-laws and your child surely allowing them to buy her something special is a good thing. As I said, my parents bought my children their first bikes. It's actually a nice memory and something when my parents are long gone our children will remember. (Nanny and Grandad bought the bikes, but Santy collected them from their house and dropped them here with all the other presents 😉). Indeed it is a tradition that, if I'm in a position to do, I might carry on myself with my own grandchildren. (If my SILs/DILs don't see it as me being "controlling" 🙄)

whyamidoingthis · 07/12/2019 11:08

@Pannalash - YABVVU my DC sadly have no Grandparents as they are all dead. Appreciate yours.

And there are people starving in famine areas in the world.

What on earth has the fact your dc have no grandparents got to do with anything on this thread?

OP - I think you're being overly precious about the first bike thing. It really doesn't matter who gets it. However, you are not at all unreasonable for being annoyed with them getting something you told them not to get.

Ask them for the receipt so you can return it and then get the one you want in a few months time. If they're as controlling as you say, though, it's unlikely they'll give you the receipt. There's nothing to stop you selling it in as an unwanted gift.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 11:13

However, you are not at all unreasonable for being annoyed with them getting something you told them not to get

She told them not to get it for her birthday.
So they didn't.

She told them they would be getting her ome for Christmas (which it seems they can't afford).
So they bought it for Christmas to save them the money.

I would say the only thing they might have done differently was bring your daughter out with them to pick it out. That way she would have gotten exactly what she wanted. Although I imagine she'll be delighted regardless.

Would you allow them to bring your daughter out for the day?

formerbabe · 07/12/2019 11:14

YABVVU my DC sadly have no Grandparents as they are all dead. Appreciate yours

I agree with this. My parents are dead...mil is around but couldn't care less. I'm always bemused by so many posts moaning about grandparents wanting to be involved. You'd be moaning far more if the situation was reversed.

If the op refuses the bike then everyone loses out.

pollyputthepastaon · 07/12/2019 11:44

YABU... in the nicest possible way!

She really wont remember who got it for her

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 11:47

She really wont remember who got it for her

My kids remember my parents got them their first bikes... And it's a nice memory.

I'm confused why grandparents buying the first bike is such a negative. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 07/12/2019 11:48

Edit to add..

Especially grandparents who the mother is making a big effort to encourage a relationship with.

Nowt as queer as folk.

TreacherousPissFlap · 07/12/2019 11:51

DP's (and now DM now DSDad has died) have always somehow managed to give the best presents. I consider us very lucky that they care enough to want to give DS something he wants, rather than something they want. Financially it's often been a huge help as well.
As it goes DS is now a teen and is guitar obsessed and DM actually bought his "best" guitar for him. I would find it really hard to be resentful that she had the pleasure rather than me.
YABU.

plushiesbay · 07/12/2019 11:52

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LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 07/12/2019 11:52

YABU, you can't afford it and that's possibly why it stings a bit, also having a new baby shouldn't stop your 4 year old having a bike, maybe grandparents can help them with it or take them to the park etc. I wanted to get DS his first walker, SIL messaged me having bought him a lovely one for his birthday, he's now got something he loves it doesn't matter who paid.

SallyWD · 07/12/2019 11:52

Let them get it. Your child will love the bike. My kids never remember who got them what (despite me making them thank the givers). Let your PILs do this.

Pannalash · 07/12/2019 11:59

@whyamidoingthis You have spectacularly missed the point, have a Biscuit

MilliiMoo · 07/12/2019 12:05

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Do they have form for this type of thing ? Do they ride roughshod over your rules for your own family. All this is important for context but I think if you told them you wanted to get your child their first bike then they should have either spoke to you first or not bought such a present. I don't think grandparents present should be bigger than parents best present.

BlaueLagune · 07/12/2019 12:06

I really don't understand why people get so precious about grandparents giving their kids "milestone" presents. Why does it matter? I'd be glad I didn't have to pay for it! Or when they complain that grandparents have done a stocking for the kids. So they get two (or more) stockings. And?

As long as the bike they buy is suitable size-wise, I'd be really grateful.

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