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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that PIL are buying her first bike?

216 replies

superslipper · 06/12/2019 20:52

Months ago, PIL asked if they could by DD4 a bike for her birthday. We said no, as we were planning on buying it for Christmas. I thought that was the end of it. PIL have now bought DD a bike for Christmas. Admittedly, we had decided against buying one just yet- various reasons- we can't afford it, have just had a newborn so it won't get any use for some time and DD isn't actually ready for pedals (she has SEN).
I'm majorly pissed off as her best Christmas present is now coming from PIL. Our presents will not have the wow factor compared with this. Plus I think her first bike should come from us. DD has also specified what colour bike she wants in the future- they've got a different colour.
AIBU to think that a child's first bike is something special and it should be us buying it when the time is right?
Please go easy on me if IABU. I've just had a baby and currently in baby blues mode.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 06/12/2019 22:59

I was initially sympathetic to you but with each update - the only person on here I’ve seen being vile is you.
Why did you post in AM I being unreasonable just to announce to everyone you know you aren’t? And then go on to insult most posters calling them arseholes?
The ‘baby blues’ doesn’t actually excuse that behavior and if you are like this toward your PIL, no wonder the relationship is strained.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2019 23:00

Are you just going to keep drip feeding until everyone agrees with you?

Give it 10 minutes and I expect you'll be saying you caught them throwing a sack of kittens into a lake...

Bluerussian · 06/12/2019 23:01

My parents in law bought my son his first bike and I was delighted.
I don't see the problem.

Comradesally · 06/12/2019 23:02

Op, drop the rope.

Mn is peculiar about money!!

Ask your dh if he would mind you giving the bike after Xmas or something and take control don't be passive, hold them at arms length... Don't be the glue...

SpiderCharlotte · 06/12/2019 23:05

@superslipper of course it's an arseholey thing to do but you didn't say that's what your problem was in your OP did you? You said it was because you thought her first bike should be from you and her best present wouldn't now be from you. That they wouldn't have the wow factor. You only changed your story and added on the bit about them knowing you were saving to buy her one when you didn't get the responses you wanted.

SpiderCharlotte · 06/12/2019 23:06

You totally changed your AIBU mid thread.

NoSauce · 06/12/2019 23:08

So this is sod all to do with them buying the bike.

You just hate them.

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2019 23:08

"I don't appreciate them continually insulting our parenting skills, continually going against our decisions and trying to be fairy tale grandparents then having nothing to do with my DD for months because they are only interested in their other GC."

So it's not really about the bike at all. Or not just about the bike.

YANBU at all to be upset about your in-laws who sound like dicks.

However, YABU (and I mean this kindly) to:

  • start a single-issue thread in AIBU about a problem which is actually a complex issue with a lot of backstory, you would definitely get more understanding and helpful responses if you posted in Relationships and put a summary of the whole story (not just the bike issue)
  • Override your DH when it comes to relations with his family. He knows them best and if he doesn't want to have anything to do with them, he has good reasons for it! Trust him on it. Follow his lead.

I really recommend the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward. I also recommend abandoning this thread and starting a new one as per my advice above Wink Flowers

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 06/12/2019 23:09

When I was younger, and didn’t have a lot of money, I was really sensitive to my (fairly wealthy) parents buying the bigger, or more expensive, presents for my small dc. I felt they were trying to upstage me, and it fed into my insecurities. So I really really do get it. But looking back, I could have reacted so differently, not taken it so personally, and just been glad my dc had the nice things. I probably created drama where it wasn’t needed. Now your situation could be different, but that’s my view with a bit of hindsight.

NoSauce · 06/12/2019 23:10

Toxic in-laws? Jesus wept. Talk about projecting your own issues.

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2019 23:10

🖕

SpiderCharlotte · 06/12/2019 23:11

Oh there are some delightful posters on this thread ... 😂

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2019 23:13

"He's upset but said they have form for being controlling. He doesn't want anything to do with them."

"DH will not have anything to do with them as he thinks they're awful people"

If an adult thinks this about his parents that is usually a good indication that they are indeed toxic.

HTH.

Sillyscrabblegames · 06/12/2019 23:16

Yabu

Majorcollywobble · 06/12/2019 23:17

Surely it’s not a competition to see who can get the most expensive present ?
I think you are just a bit unreasonable but can be excused as just getting over the baby - but they shouldn’t have done it without asking you . I’m sure DD will be thrilled - let them share in her pleasure - don’t detract from it .

Lallyfox · 06/12/2019 23:22

YANBU - as grandparents, they’ve had their turn at buying the ‘big’ presents for their own children. They need to start respecting the boundaries and listening to you.

Alexapourmeadrink · 06/12/2019 23:24

Give yourself a break and accept the gift. She may not be ready for pedals but it's a nice gift. She can look forward to using it when the time is right. Buy her a balance bike in her chosen colour to use right away. That will be her first bike.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/12/2019 23:25

It’s not really about the bike though is it. The bike is just the final straw.

I think @AnotherEmma makes a lot of sense.

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2019 23:28

Thanks I think so too but I would Grin

Chocolatehamper · 06/12/2019 23:31

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset when you specifically asked them not to do something and they've gone ahead and done it anyway.

However, I would be more upset (as a parent of a SEN child) that they have bought something in a different colour to the one she asked for. That will be the remembered part, the one she won't forget - not who bought it for her, but that they bought the wrong colour. I don't see it ending well and could put a huge downer on Christmas which will already be an anxious time with so much going on that is different to the norm.

Op, speak to them or ask your DH to speak to them. They either get her one that's the right colour or they keep that one at their house for her to use there, not to be confused with the right coloured one she'll get from you in a couple of months...

Rubyduby26 · 06/12/2019 23:34

I can see your point of view, but I also don't think they are being unreasonable either!

For Christmas my mum has got my 20 month old DS a balance bike, a tablet, games, books, flash cards, paint and craft things, clothes. She has also spent 45 pounds on 2 different advent calenders for him, I think she is nuts personally but she loves buying him stuff.

I think another reason she buys so much is I'm a SAHM so money is tight and she doesn't want me to stress about buying him lots at Christmas. I think it's obscene tbh the amount of stuff he's going to end up with as his other grandma and his grandads also go overboard! Our presents for him will never compete money-wise with the gifts off DS's grandparents as we are at a different stage of life to them.

We are getting him some Peppa pig toys, a kitchen and food & a few books! And most of it will be second hand.

Would your PIL be doing this from a place of kindness? I know you said money is tight as you have a newborn, maybe they are trying to take some of the financial burden off you?

Just think in 30 years time you could be the grandma wanting to buy your grandchildren things for Christmas. I know it's hard to see past the fact you wanted to buy your DD her first bike, but it honestly doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, you will most likely be the one teaching her to ride the bike and that's what she will remember more than who bought it!

SirVixofVixHall · 06/12/2019 23:36

I do find it hard to understand why it matters so much to you that it is you, and not her Grandparents, who buy her a bike ? My daughter’s Grandparents ( DH’s parents) bought my dds their first bicycles, and I was delighted, in particular as they hadn’t been very involved Grandparents. It is just a bicycle, they are her grandparents, they love her, I think it is a nice thing to do. They probably think her having it for Christmas will be fun for her.
Why is a bicycle such a thing for you ? I mean it is obviously a generous present, but I think it is a fairly common thing for GPs to buy, just going by children I know.

vdbfamily · 06/12/2019 23:39

honestly.... you should be delighted that at a time you cannot afford stuff for your kids that they're are grandparents who are able to help. Your child will not mind one little bit who bought her the bike she will just be excited to have it and I am sure the colour will not matter.

LilQueenie · 06/12/2019 23:39

I get it i felt the same over DD's first pram. However I dont feel yabu as Pil clearly went ahead despite you saying no and bought the gift you they knew you were planning on buying.

Beveren · 06/12/2019 23:45

A child's first bike really isn't a big deal. It's just another toy that they'll get tired of after a time. My parents bought DS's first bike and I was delighted that they'd saved us the money.

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