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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/12/2019 16:55

It would certainly make me question things.

You where nicer than me staying there though I would have driven myself home and left him too it

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 06/12/2019 16:55

Hmmm I would have expected him to be ashamed and apologise the next day, but I'm not sure I would leave him if this was an isolated incident. If this happens all the time then it's not something I would want to live with.

AfterSomeAdvice1234 · 06/12/2019 16:56

Horrendous behaviour. If it's so out of character, is he stressed about anything at the moment? Not that it would excuse this behaviour...

HotPenguin · 06/12/2019 16:56

That's sounds really odd and we would be wondering if he had taken medication that reacted with the booze? You were out for a meal so how could he have got so pissed??

chuttypicks · 06/12/2019 16:57

Oh dear me. That is a serious problem with alcohol to make him behave like that. It's probably not the first time (just the first time you've witnessed it), and won't be the last time. The fact that he isn't absolutely mortified by his behaviour says it all. Do not marry this man as if you do, you will have years of behaviour like this and worse. Good luck op.

SquareAsABlock · 06/12/2019 16:57

So hes an angry, violent drunk and doesn't recognise this behaviour? I'd not marry him, I'd just be on eggshells waiting for his next angry outburst and being on the other end of it. Ultimately, would you want any future children possibly seeing this side of him?

BlueJava · 06/12/2019 16:58

I'd reconsider the whole relationship. Sorry if that sounds dramatic over one night but horrible drunks are awful and I wouldn't want the thought of "when will he do it again" hanging over me. I'd also be worried that if he turns on others one day it could be you. LTB sorry OP but good luck whatever you decide.

Thethiniceofanewday · 06/12/2019 16:58

Run.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/12/2019 17:00

It would depend.

Is he remorseful? Is he willing to limit his drinking as he clearly does not behave well when he is drunk.

3luckystars · 06/12/2019 17:00

The results say 106% YANBU

I think that's enough. Good luck.

Mummadeeze · 06/12/2019 17:01

How long have you known him for? Has he never lost his temper like this before? I have been known to be rude to people when very very drunk before (so I have been told by friends) which is mortifying and completely out of character for me, so it can happen. But on the other hand, you could have been seeing a side of him that he has been hiding.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 17:02

Thanks everyone for your help and reassurance.
He doesn’t take any medication and he managed to get so pissed because the drinks were before the meal. I told him to slow down and then to stop but he refused.

OP posts:
ysmaem · 06/12/2019 17:02

Is this a one off or recurring behaviour? I think that's the biggest question. If this has happened before then I think there's obviously an issue with alcohol and I'd be concerned for your safety when he's drunk if he's known to become aggressive when under the influence of alcohol. If it's a one off incident then could he be under a lot of stress lately for his to react this way when drunk? YANBU for being mortified and wanting to leave. I'd be livid. Definitely have a word with him, tell him his behaviour was unacceptable and you dont want it to happen again.

RedHelenB · 06/12/2019 17:04

If he is willing to go back to apologise to the people in the bar and apologise to you then I'd take it as a one off.

inwood · 06/12/2019 17:05

Is it a one off?

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 17:07

As for past anger, he has never hit me but around 5 or 6 years ago, he accused me of laughing at him during a debate and he told me that he’d give me a clip round the ear if I laughed at him again. He’s not done anything since

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 06/12/2019 17:08

How much did he have to drink? If he can't moderate his drinking, especially when you are out for a meal together so should have been a couple of social drinks not a bender, he needs to stop.

I can't imagine how embarrassing and upsetting you found it! If it was a one-off completely out of the blue, I'd forgive but only if he acknowledged how I felt about it. If he was in anyway dismissive of my feelings I would consider ending the relationship. What he said to you as he left would make me think the latter option is on the cards. I'm sorry OP. Flowers

Purpleartichoke · 06/12/2019 17:10

I do think it is possible for someone to have one bad night with alcohol. They learn from their mistake and never do it again. The fact that he isn’t mortified is why I am concerned. I would strongly consider leaving this relationship. Living with someone with an alcohol problem is more difficult than you can imagine. Don’t put yourself into that position.

ShawshanksRedemption · 06/12/2019 17:10

Is he usually dismissive of your feelings OP?

That would be a red flag for me. As for threatening to give me a "clip round the ear", nope, he'd have to go. I just wouldn't feel safe or feel I could trust him.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2019 17:11

That would do it for me. The relationship would be over. You have been warned.

Funguy · 06/12/2019 17:12

He sounds bloody awful. I'm sorry. I would split up with him.Imagine being married to that! Some people get drunk IN ORDER to be abusive. Think on this fact x

BarbaraStrozzi · 06/12/2019 17:12

Yes, I would absolutely dump over this. (My first boyfriend's housemate was like this - nice guy when sober, monster when drunk. I always felt that unless someone like that was prepared to go completely teetotal, no woman would be safe being around him.)

Sleepforever · 06/12/2019 17:14

Leave. He's showing you who he really is.

Biancadelrioisback · 06/12/2019 17:15

As an isolated incident, I wouldn't leave him. However the fact you are considering leaving him would suggest to me that you think you should? Is there anything else going on? Are you generally unhappy? If I were in a perfectly happy relationship, no way would one incident make me want to leave.

Longtalljosie · 06/12/2019 17:16

God - the mask will slip when you marry him. Don’t do it.

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