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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 06/12/2019 18:52

His response shouldn't be 'this has never happened before' it should be 'this will never happen again'.

And even so, it will. He didn't stop drinking when he was blatently getting drunk (and you asked him to stop), so why the hell would you be sure it wouldn't happen again? He couldn''t control himself this time, so what would be different in future?

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2019 18:52

He’s awful.

If you stay you’ll be prioritising habit over your own self respect and safety.

Bluerussian · 06/12/2019 18:55

He sounds vile, embarrassing and beyond the pale. How can you even consider being with someone who behaves like that?

MadameOvary · 06/12/2019 18:57

DP and I have been together for 7 years. About a year after we met he was verbally aggressive and abusive to me when drunk one night. Immediately I was ready to ditch him. We didn’t live together at the time and the argument took place over the phone/texts.
I didn’t speak to him for two days and when we did meet he was quietly mortified, almost in tears. I’d spent several years in an abusive relationship and no fucking way was I going down that road again.
He apologised unreservedly with no excuses given and I made sure he understood that I was quite ready to leave.

What happened next was that without any pronouncements he quietly gave up alcohol completely.

That’s the sort of apology I needed. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

MsF1t · 06/12/2019 18:57

Please, please listen to everyone and don't waste any more time on this man. He has draped himself in the reddest of red flags for your benefit. Obviously these things are easier said than done, but it won't get easier if you leave it.

FenellaVelour · 06/12/2019 18:58

Something similar happened to me many years ago when I was young, though some of the anger was directed at me. He also kicked open a shop doorway. No memory of it the next day. Again totally out of character and he never did anything like it again.

I was engaged to him at the time. I initially called it off and said I was leaving him. He was utterly remorseful and after a while we did go through with the wedding.

But it didn’t last. I left after a very short marriage. Seeing him in that state, behaving so appallingly, was basically the death knell to my love for him. My feelings waned and I couldn’t get past it, I wish I’d never married him. Worst mistake I ever made.

You may decide not to leave now, but don’t be hasty in moving your relationship forward either.

JasonPollack · 06/12/2019 18:58

Please don't marry this man. He will get worse after marriage. Abusive men always get worse after marriage. He is possessive, controlling, violent. He threatened you! Have you laughed at him since?

Please please leave him.

just5morepeas · 06/12/2019 18:59

I used to work in a pub for a lot of years. Alcohol doesn't change personalities, it reduces inhibitions.

He's showing you who he is. Believe him.

spookysamhainwitch · 06/12/2019 19:00

@Sherrybabyy do you want to stay in the relationship after seeing his behaviour last night?

LigPatin · 06/12/2019 19:01

Incident 1 - he gets angry, he threatens to hit you
Incident 2 - he gets angry and gets physical with a stranger, over you
...

It's not a big leap to see what incident three is going to be.

Leave.

LigPatin · 06/12/2019 19:01

I used to work in a pub for a lot of years. Alcohol doesn't change personalities, it reduces inhibitions. @just5morepeas is right. In fact there have been studies proving this.

Throckmorton · 06/12/2019 19:02

Run. Seriously, run. He's threatened you with violence, the bar staff with violence, he's possessive, he sulks, he doesn't trust you, he's controlling and he denies eveything. This will get worse the longer you stay with him.

LifeImplosionImminent · 06/12/2019 19:02

This reply has been deleted

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MerchantOfVenom · 06/12/2019 19:03

The getting stupidly drunk isn't ideal, but the aggression is an absolute deal-breaker.

That's it. One strike, and he should be out.

Except this isn't one strike, is it? He's indicated that he's not fundamentally a good man before, hasn't he?

You can do better than this.

And of course he doesn't remember 🙄 and of course he's promising it won't happen again. 🙄

No. It won't happen again, because he won't be in your life.

FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 19:05

Has he properly apologised and accepted each part of the awful night.
Or is it, I'm sorry...

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 19:06

Thank you everyone, you’ve all given me so much to think about.

Have you laughed at him since?
I have to admit, I try to keep it to myself. The other week actually, we went for a night out with a few mutual friends. He got drunk and couldn’t roll his cigarettes to the point where he had to ask his friend to do it for him. He looked really funny trying to roll them, his look of concentration was hilarious as he completely failed. I laughed at him for it. He then ignored me every time I tried speaking to him for the next hour because he was sulking because I’d laughed at him. He finally reacted by pulling a face at me before saying ‘you embarrass me so much, you were laughing at me. That’s why I’ve been ignoring you, it’s jusy unnecessary and annoying’

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 06/12/2019 19:08

So two things in 8 years? If you aren't scared of him and able to tell him off I don't think there is an issue. No, its not right but noone is perfect. I wouldn't consider this an issue

sniffsneeze · 06/12/2019 19:09

Run and you already know that’s what you need to do

HotPenguin · 06/12/2019 19:10

He sounds vile, with every post you are revealing more worrying info. It doesn't sound like this was a one off, it was an escalation of previous behaviour.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 06/12/2019 19:10

Please leave him.

pointythings · 06/12/2019 19:11

His behaviour is reason to leave him in very many aspects. You can't laugh at him, or he'll sulk. You can't mention other men, or he'll sulk. You can't laugh at him, or he will threaten to hit you. He gets drunk, possessive and aggressive. He gets so drunk he can't manage a rollup.

Seriously, make a list of all the things he's done that have made you feel anxious, uncomfortable, upset or afraid. How many items are on it?

BlackCherryBliss · 06/12/2019 19:11

You are having to change man for woman in your retelling of tales from your day/life.

You are so used to doing it that you are now doing it without even thinking about. It has passed into a subconsciously controlled learned behaviour. Bad sign.

You already know he is dangerous. It is clear from your posts but especially from your last post. You just need to fully admit it to yourself.

I suggest watching the film based on a true case called "Murdered by my Boyfriend" if you can find it online. Pay particular attention to the boyfriends behaviour before he starts beating her up to see if any of it is familiar. It's easier to see it if the woman is not you and might open your eyes a bit further.

Stay safe.

SevenStones · 06/12/2019 19:11

Incident 1 - he gets angry, he threatens to hit you
Incident 2 - he gets angry and gets physical with a stranger, over you

Don't forget the ongoing incidents where the OP changes stories to take out the fact that a man said something funny because of the partner's reaction if she didn't.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 19:12

Everything is adding up. There’s just so much coming back to me that at the time I ignored but now is coming back. I’ve tried so hard over the years to not give up and to forgive and give as many chances as possible because he always made me feel like to leave would be giving up on a good thing

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 06/12/2019 19:13

It was bad enough before the threatening to hit you.

Run away. Far away. Be free and well and happy.