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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave for one bad night

472 replies

Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 16:52

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 06/12/2019 17:44

@Gobelinoisawitchescat 8 years

AlternativePerspective · 06/12/2019 17:45

It’s not the bad night with alcohol which would concern me, it’s the fact he doesn’t feel remorseful over it and doesn’t understand why you’re angry.

OP have you seen him drunk before? I ask only because a family member had a partner who was teetotal. Everyone found this heartening, until one night out he had a drink, and then some more, and it emerged that the reason he was teetotal was because he was an alcoholic. And after that night he just fell back off the waggon and continued on his downward spiral.

But I would leave without question.

Ginger1982 · 06/12/2019 17:46

What do you think will happen when he gets pissed at your wedding? Get out before it's too late!

Thesearmsofmine · 06/12/2019 17:48

Leave. One bad night with alcohol is one thing but to not be embarrassed and apologising for his behaviour the next day is concerning.

Tinkobell · 06/12/2019 17:48

Ask him about his relationship with alcohol ......

  • is he even willing to discuss that with you in a civil manner? Is he evasive on the subject? Does he recognise that when he drinks excessively his character changes?
If he can have this discussion and maybe acknowledge there's a problem, you can work on it. If he can't or won't, it smacks of a possible drink problem and I'd most certainly reconsider ....because I'm telling you now, that you will NOT be able to fix it OP.
CatteStreet · 06/12/2019 17:49

I'd be out.

I have been very drunk (bit of a lightweight tbf) a few times in my life and I get chatty and outgoing. Not aggressive. I do think there's truth in the whole 'in vino veritas' thing. Alcohol removes inhibitions, it doesn't change personalities.

GreySheep · 06/12/2019 17:50

Run a mile. Past threat of violence and now this. He’s showing you who he truly is. Run.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/12/2019 17:51

As for past anger, he has never hit me but around 5 or 6 years ago, he accused me of laughing at him during a debate and he told me that he’d give me a clip round the ear if I laughed at him again. He’s not done anything since

Any explanation which begins with a woman saying "He has never hit me, but..." is extremely likely to be about an abusive arsehole who is working up to it.
I think you have wasted enough time on him, and I'd be very surprised if this didn't get worse.

Phrowzunn · 06/12/2019 17:51

Please, please don’t marry and have children with this man. Find yourself a man who would never dream of behaving like this in a million years no matter how many drinks he has had. Drink doesn’t change who you are as a person, it just lowers your inhibitions. The guy you saw in that bar is who he really is, deep down inside. You will see more and more of the real him as time passes. You should have left when he threatened to hit you all those years ago - that’s horrific. Please consider counselling to understand why you think so little of yourself that you would accept that behaviour. You are worth far more. This isn’t the life you have to have - go and get a better one!

doublehelix · 06/12/2019 17:52

I really see the "my wife" comment as a red flag.

It suggests it was making it clear to the other man that you are his - like a possession - and he was upset by that more than any impact touching would have had on you. If you were his wife it could be more innocent, but as you are his fiancé I think he said that to reflect greater power and possession to the other man.

That coupled with the ear clip incident says run away now.

His behaviour will almost definitely deteriorate once you are formally his wife.

Sorry to hear this - very tough after 8yr - but you deserve better.

BuckingFrolics · 06/12/2019 17:52

Any fucker who told me they'd give me a clip round the ear for laughing at him would get a boot up the arse. It shows how highly he thinks of himself - that he not to be laughed at, and that he thinks he is in a position to "discipline" his partner.

Redwinestillfine · 06/12/2019 17:55

He's lucky the Landlord didn't press charges. It could be a case of the mask slipping, or he could be I'll/ going through something major. You need to find out which it is and decide if you can live with it before you marry him.

katy1213 · 06/12/2019 17:56

How many beers is a 'few' beers? That sounds like he was drinking all day before he met you.
I'd be worried about him being a nasty-tempered drunk rather than just a tiresome prat.
And do get him to pay for a professional clean of your car!

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 06/12/2019 17:57

Honestly, I doubt this is the last time he behaves this way. He’s shown no remorse or shame at all- that alone would push me over the edge.

GrapefruitGin · 06/12/2019 17:58

Please please don’t marry this man. He sounds awful. So sorry OP Flowers

AlternativePerspective · 06/12/2019 17:58

Have to say though OP that you’re a better person than me. I’d have left the fucker in the car park to make his own way home.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2019 17:58

He raised his fist and terrified you.

His behaviour at the bar was sickening.

Leave.

SoEverybodyDance · 06/12/2019 17:59

He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

That comment tells you everything you need to know about this man.

Run for the hills.

isitpossibleto · 06/12/2019 17:59

Hell no!!!!!! Not combined with the clip round the earhole with raised fists (you needed to leave then). Please leave now, before you have children with this bastard and he destroys you

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 18:00

Have to say though OP that you’re a better person than me. I’d have left the fucker in the car park to make his own way home
I really thought about it but he was in an awful state and vulnerable. If anything had happened to him, I would have felt incredibly guilty for not driving him home

OP posts:
dontmentionbookclub · 06/12/2019 18:00

He's very lucky that he wasn't waking up in a cell this morning as that could have easily happened. Was he black out drunk? See if he remembers anything he did specifically - he remembers being sick obviously but does he remember what he said to anyone? This is all a huge red flag to me and you can't ignore it. See what he says to you about it once he has properly sobered up. Then decide.

PullingMySocksUp · 06/12/2019 18:00

Does he know what he did?

Savingshoes · 06/12/2019 18:01

It's not a one off in my opinion. It's unlikely to improve if he already sees no error.
It's possibly likely to worsen.
Maybe today he is poor at managing his alcohol intake before food, tomorrow it could be that he can't handle his finances and on and on.
One day you may have to accept your place in his life as carer or walk.

Original poster
Sherrybabyy · 06/12/2019 18:02

@dontmentionbookclub he says he genuinely cannot remember a thing. He remembers being sick in my car but not in the car park and doesn’t remember anything with the staff at the pub.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/12/2019 18:02

You have to be very careful who you have babies with. If he's a violent drunk, any boy children are likely to take after him.

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