AIBU to leave for one bad night

[Sherrybabyy]

Fiancé and I went to the pub for dinner last night. I was driving so he had a few beers before the meal at the bar. However he ended up absolutely pissed.

He tried to order another beer and they refused to serve him any more. At this point, he started shouting and swearing at the girl behind the bar, banging his fists on the bar asking ‘why won’t you fucking serve me?! It’s a fucking joke’. I have never seen him so angry. His whole body language changed, he looked aggressive- chest puffed out, shoulders back etc.

He ended up being told to leave by the manager who my fiancé accused of touching me inappropriately out of absolutely nowhere. He squared up to him, almost toe to toe, pointed a finger in this poor man’s face and shouted ‘did you fucking touch my wife?’. He then looked at me at yelled ‘did he fucking touch you?’ In front of the whole restaurant. I have never in my life been so mortified and disgusted by his behaviour.

On the way to the car, he was sick twice in the car park and sick all over himself and my car on the way home.

He doesn’t understand why I’m so angry at him. He left for work today feeling sorry for himself, trying to apologise. He said as he was stepping out the door ‘we could’ve stayed longer, I just needed to be sick’

All that from a 31 year old man.

Does he drink often and how is he usually when he's drunk? Have there been any other incidents between that first threat and this time that have made you worry or question? Aggression, possessiveness, control?
Is he stressed?

The getting pissed bit wouldn't bother me so much if he knows how to behave himself because I like drinking too although this sounds like a quiet meal not a bit night out.

The aggression would really really put me off him and I don't think I could come back from that. The way he behaved is disgusting and I see it as a clear red flag. As someone else has said, he's shown you who he is and I wouldn't want that person as a partner.

Tbh I have made an absolute tit of myself when drunk. Nothing to his level of twattery but even so. It's not ok, aggression never is. But if it was out of character and not a true reflection of how he is everyday then I'm not sure I'd be ending an otherwise good relationship over it. We all make mistakes. Just make sure he grovels

Ok, so he got very very drunk. The lack of shame is the worst bit though. Does he actually know exactly what he said and did?? I would proceed with caution.

Leave him.

Wow!

I would have already gone, OP. What an absolutely disgusting man he is.

What you've now seen is the real him - no inhibitions because of the alcohol. It's his real character.

Decent, kind people can drink until they're unconscious and do nothing worse than make a fool of themselves.

But this wasn't that, was it. It was a violent, abusive, unkind man being violent, abusive and unkind.

My god! No. I couldn’t put up with or forgive that. I’d have left him there.

It would make me constantly anxious whenever he drank.

He sounds vile.

Does he drink often and how is he usually when he's drunk? Have there been any other incidents between that first threat and this time that have made you worry or question? Aggression, possessiveness, control?
possessiveness somewhat. I overlooked it at the time but a few times, I’ve found myself avoiding telling certain stories involving men. Even in completely innocent stories that happen to involve men, I change the details so that he doesn’t know it involves any other man. For example, the other day, a male colleague of mine said something hilarious but when I told my fiancé I told him it was a female colleague who had said it. This wasn’t even on purpose, I just subconsciously do it because it’s not worth his sulking. It makes me feel bad and makes me feel like I have stuff to hide or like I’m being shifty but I have to remind myself that it’s for the best and not worth the hassle of telling the truth.

Another time, we saw a man out who I used to date who happened to say hi to us in town. For at least 2 hours after that, my fiancé was complaining about him non stop.

Is he stressed? not that I’m aware of. He lives quite a cushy life in terms of his job.

You asked him to slow down his drinking and he didn't.

That's it. He couldn't even be considerate enough to take notice of what you were saying.

And like fuck he doesn't remember what he did. He just doesn't want to have to apologise for it, that's all.

Is there any chance he had taken something like coke? I ask because an ex of mine would be the so nice when sober and drunk but he turned into Billy Big Bollocks when he had cocaine. The flags I saw in your post were

• excessively angry at little things
• trying to o intimidate to get his own way
• seeing something sexual in nothing or the manager touching you inappropriately
• vomiting when he never vomits drunk
• referring to me as something more or calling me wife when we were short term boyfriend/girlfriend
• still being convinced the next day that the "slights" had happened

Most people do not resort to violence and abuse when they are drunk.

He's shown you who he is.Don't marry him.It will only get worse.

YANBU.

In vino veritas and all that. What people say and do when drunk is what they'd like to do but refrain from when sober, as I see it.

I think this is a 'writing on the wall' moment
I would at the very least stop giving him the benefit of the doubt over anything now

uh oh those examples are not good - you are altering your behaviour to not set him off - thats very worrying, and you are not even married yet.

This sounds like someone with some serious issues, and the drinking just brought them to the fore.

Id be seriously reconsidering the relationship if I were you

You know, it's amazing the number of drunk people that 'don't remember' their appalling behaviour the next day. It's bullshit 90% of the time. It's their way of not having to own up to their own shitty behaviour or do anything to correct it in the future.

Just FYI, my abusive ex never laid a finger on me until after we were married. But looking back there were behaviours and comments that, had I not been a naive 19 yr old, would have raised red flags. You need to think hard about the things he's said and done that are not obvious, but betray his feelings about the 'role' of women and about what he may feel is acceptable behaviour for an angry or upset man.

After reading your updates I wouldn't marry him. And I hope you made him clear up his own puke although he probably wasn't in a fit state.

Oh Christ. Leave him, this will definitely not get better. He’s physically threatened you, and is a controlling, possessive bully.

either he gives up drinking completely or you leave him.

The more you say, the worse he sounds OP

Controlling, possessive and an abusive drunk. Of course you must leave him.

Imagine have kids with this man

So he has shown a possessive steak prior to last night. That's not something I'd be willing to let go, and after last night I'd seriously reconsider marrying him.

Someone much wiser than I once said...

If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

OP, you have been given a wonderful gift. Truly, a wonderful gift.

You have been shown who your fiance is BEFORE you are legally bound to him in marriage.

He's a belligerent, angry, violent drunk. He's controlling ... hence your instinct to not mention other men and when you fail, his punishment of you. He's already threatening to hurt you when he's unhappy with you

Run!

@Sherrybabyy so you are already being careful what you tell him....red flaggggggggs

Please read back what you are saying. Do not set yourself up and get married. Leave him instead

The few times my OH has been in a state, he has been a happy drunk if somewhat annoying at the time. I would have left him there and gone home alone. I would also expect him to clean my car up.