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Views on ‘starting a new family’?

235 replies

irishglaze · 05/12/2019 19:15

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

OP posts:

Awrite · 05/12/2019 19:25

Perhaps your brother's colleague has his reasons for the way he feels.

I try not to judge others but I do often see the fallout, the way children can be affected.


Troels · 05/12/2019 19:28

He needs to stop telling his business to work collegues.
It's no ones business but your brother and his wife if they decide to have more children.


lifeisgoodagain · 05/12/2019 19:29

If you can truly afford your children then it's none of their business (by afford I don't mean paying £26 a week cms


ChristmasAngst · 05/12/2019 19:31

The situation sounds OK. However I do wish that people would take their DC's feelings into consideration when they are going into new relationships. So many of them think the situation is OK and their kids are happy. They aren't. I have a step mum and I can hand on heart say that it is the shittest part of my life having a step mum and her family inflicted on me.


AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/12/2019 19:40

I'm a stepmum and we had a child together. DH had been divorced for years when we met, and he definitely concentrated on the kids he already had - he had sole custody and his ex didn't have any contact. The boys were teenagers when DS was born. I always got on well with them and they are close to their little brother. I didn't realise how much they had welcomed me until DH died and DSS2 said in his eulogy that he had never known his dad to be happy before he met me. So I can't have done too bad a job, despite DS being conceived in the first few weeks of our relationship.


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 19:44

I think work colleague is a self righteous arsehole. I dont personally see the issue. You can blend families succesfully enough if you try.

Lots of the ex wives club posters will be along soon though to tell you its the worst thing you could ever do though i am sure.


LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 19:47

Tbh this may not apply to your brother but I think first families often miss out. They won't get as much maintenance for a start once other children are in the mix. Many people stop at 2 children these days for financial reasons, but supporting multiple children in different households is potentially even more expensive than just having four children.

Families where both parents are resident and who don't receive benefits have to actually pay the cost of bringing up the children. They don't exactly get "let off" the costs when they have another child! I think you'll find resident parents still have to meet the costs of bringing up a child, whereas non resident parents are charged based on what they can afford - wtaf?? Children don't cost "what you can afford." They cost what they cost. I wonder if they'd all still be so keen on starting these second families if maintenance payments remained unchanged?

Added to the fact that it's usually the woman left as the resident parent, so they can't so easily have a brand new family with the new man - they'd actually be looking after all the children themselves, all the time, and providing bedrooms for them all etc, and still providing food etc even if maintenance is reduced for whatever reason. It seems a little unfair to me that men can walk off, only do eow, and start a new family with another woman. Sometimes the first family is even left in poverty. Yes, it's partly the woman's responsibility to work to provide for them, but it's also partly the father's! As I say, nothing to say your brother has personally done anything wrong. He's only got one previous child, and it's not clear who's fault the relationship breakdown was.

My mil always says she hopes bil will "get the chance to do it properly this time", as if it's the women's fault he's already abandoned two families, and is now on to his third...Angry


FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/12/2019 19:49

I split with DS1's Dad when he was 5 months old. I had no intention of meeting anyone else and took some convincing to even consider settling down.

DS1 loves DH, DH loves DS1. DH and I were very serious before I introduced him to DS1 and Ex and I and our spouses coparent as well as it's possible to do. We respect one another's roles, we spend time together as a unit and I hope we're proof that step-families can work. Ex's DW is an incredible step mum and I appreciate that for the absolute gift it is.

However, I also know step-families where the children aren't happy, aren't put first and aren't everyone's priority. And those children will grow up to be adults with strong opinions about step families, and they're within their rights to feel that way.


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 19:51

I wonder if they'd all still be so keen on starting these second families if maintenance payments remained unchanged?

It doesnt drop that much at all! Its a v small %


thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 05/12/2019 19:52

Your brothers colleague sounds rather over invested in his life. That said, I do wonder why people have kids in a new partnership when they already have them. It seems quite messy and over complicated to me.


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 19:53

CMS drops dramatically if the payer moved in with children who aren’t even his never mind has more bio kids.


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 19:54

It doesnt drop "dramatically" at all Hmm


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 19:54

I never understand the rush to have more kids though. You’ve got 1 or 2 whoever the other parent is. Surely that’s enough for anyone


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 19:55

Liverpool what about the new partner who might not have any kids?


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 19:56

@ Bollykecks it can dry up altogether. Friend - very close - ie I know the finances was getting £200 a month. He’s moved in with someone with 2 kids. No longer had to pay a penny.


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 19:56

Bollykecks - she/he can get with someone who also doesn’t have kids. Keep things simple


snowball28 · 05/12/2019 19:58

@LauraMacArthur it’s like the tiniest percentage, we have 4 children one of which is my stepdaughter her maintenance is reduced by less than £6 for the other 3 children in the home.

Needless to say we leave it as is, no point quibbling over £6.


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 19:58

inliverpool if it was through cms thats a total lie unless he also gave up work at the same time.

And seriously? "Keep things simple" and also segregate people depending on whether they have kids or not. Nice.


snowball28 · 05/12/2019 20:00

@Inliverpool1 your mates lying to you, that’s just not how things work.


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 20:02

I made decisions about who date based on weather they had kids or not. Most people do. You don’t fall in love on the first date, you consider all circumstances. Some people just love drama. Of which their is plenty with blended families.

As I said I KNOW the CMS dramatically decreased with newly acquired step children


Merryoldgoat · 05/12/2019 20:03

Personally I don’t like ‘second families’ but that’s me.

The reality is it’s pretty much impossible to treat all children equally if some are non-resident.

I am a first child and my mum had further children with a new partner and suspect it colours my point of view.


Inliverpool1 · 05/12/2019 20:04

Point is anyway most people can only afford two children. If you’ve had your two and then fallen out well that’s it isn’t it.


Cluckyandconfused · 05/12/2019 20:09

Realistically most NRPs can not afford to properly support two lots of children. CMS is an inadequate contribution to the actual costs of raising a child when the NRP is on a middle-low income or has more children.
The resident parent, the state (through the benefits system) and possibly a step parent pick up the tab.
I don’t think it’s that black and white though. In your brothers case they were very young and they never had any kind of agreement to be a family. His son has not known anything else. But it obviously makes me (and lots of other people) cringe when people leave their family, suddenly reduce contact to EOW, pay the bare minimum towards their children and set up a new family without regard for the feelings of their older kids.


LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:12

Hmm ok I'm not sure. But multiple extra children would make some difference? And what if the extra children push them into the benefits system? Or he cuts down hours at work to accommodate new DC?

I suppose my view is that if you stopped at 2 with your first partner and cost was factor in that, then I don't really think it's fair to go on to have more. Unless there's been a really dramatic change in circumstance - the usual promotions etc will probably have been factored into the original decision.

Personally I'll probably stop at 2 partly so that I can hopefully offer my dcs some help in adulthood with deposits etc, given how expensive housing, education etc are now. This is something we'd both like to be able to help with. Also hopefully providing their own rooms when they're older etc. If my dh and I reach this decision together for this reason, I'd see it as unfair for him to go off and have more children with another woman tbh.


hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 20:13

You clearly dont know liverpool as what youve said is entirely false.

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