Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Views on ‘starting a new family’?

235 replies

irishglaze · 05/12/2019 19:15

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 05/12/2019 20:13

Doesn't bother me either way as long as the parents behave. I know and have personal experience of both as a child and an adult.

MinnieMountain · 05/12/2019 20:14

It depends how it's handled.

My DM had 3 more DC with her second husband who I never liked. All her attention went on her new DC.

My DF married a woman with 4 children, 3 of whom were older than me. They were all bullies in their own way and DF never stood up for me.

So my experience is that it's really shit and it should never be done.

However, I accept that not everyone is as useless as my parents. Your DB sounds like he's being sensible.

dottiedodah · 05/12/2019 20:16

We dont live in a perfect world sadly. Many second wives (and husbands)! would miss out on the chance to have families of their own .I dont think it has anything to do with DBs colleague at all .Are people supposed to be unhappy in their first relationships ,and stay "for the sake of the children" (rarely works out TBH). Blended families are a fact of life and thats the way it is .

SeperatedSwans · 05/12/2019 20:18

Personally I am not a fan of blended families, step children, step parents and so on. I am a lone parent of a son, and for me personally I have made the decision not to have another relationship, not to "move on" or have any more children even though I am only in my late twenties. However this is a personal opinion and not one I would ever force on to someone, or say to them "it's wrong to have a blended family"? It's not wrong, it's just not something I would do. There is a difference.

ferntwist · 05/12/2019 20:18

Astonishingly cheeky of your DB’s colleague. None of his business at all. Of course there’s no reason DB shouldn’t have a family after his first child.

LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:19

I don't think people should stay in a miserable relationship. Personally if I ended up divorced is look to start a relationship with someone who was not looking to have more children and only had up to 2 or 3 anyway. I might also wait before moving in and keep own own space for a bit. Loads of people do this - it's normal to base choice of partner on things like desire to have children.

OrangeZog · 05/12/2019 20:20

I suspect the colleague is projecting his own experiences, possibly his upbringing. As for a new family, surely it’s just expanding his current family?

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 05/12/2019 20:23

Ok if they can genuinely afford it. But very few can and most just do it anyway.

LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:24

No-ones forcing (mainly) men to marry young, childless women. They're just seem as more of a "catch" so the men then have more children because that's part of the package.

Divorced men could form a relationship with a woman their own age who doesn't want, or can no longer have, children.

Obviously doesn't apply to ops brother necessarily.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/12/2019 20:25

When people say few can genuinely afford it, i think thats crap. New partners end up soaking up most of the cost of the new kids so the bloke can pay maintenance and whatever else every month. That is the scenario which a lot of second wives end up in.

Nobody seems to say to women who have kids to different men that they shouldnt if they cant afford it do they?

FilthyforFirth · 05/12/2019 20:25

I personally dont like second families. I dont think it's fair to the existing children and in general I think it's selfish. I actually have a step mum who I absolutely adore but I think this is quite rare. Most step parents I know aren't that nice and tend to prioritise their own children.

BrainFart · 05/12/2019 20:26

As a divorced Dad of 2, I don't want to start another family - it strikes me as being unfair on the two I already have, as I'd worry they'd see me being in full custody, being happy families, with my "new" children (their step-siblings) and somehow feel "less than".

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:30

So if the coelague had an unplanned pregnancy from a fling in his teens he and his ex would never have another relationship, and would only have sex with post menstrual women or after having a vasectomy?

LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:34

@BrainFart I totally agree with this too, it's not just the financial implications.

SpiderHunter · 05/12/2019 20:37

I have 5 younger half-siblings, 4 of whom I completely adore so I'm personally a fan of "second families". I think it totally depends on how invested all the adults are in ensuring the elder children are treated fairly. The same is true in traditional, nuclear families tho. I'm always shocked at how many families contain an obviously favoured child.

The money is a separate thing, imo. Even without additional children, cms is utterly shit and needs to be thoroughly overhauled.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:37

@BrainFartcan I ask what age you became single and if you extend this to not imposing a step mom on them too?

LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:38

@SleepingStandingUp of that's aimed at me it's ridiculous hyperbole.

WhatsInAName19 · 05/12/2019 20:44

I am part of an extremely complicated family. "Blended" doesn't really cover it. The issue of second families is one that I have experience of from different angles. I think lots of adults cling to this narrative of "everyone deserves to be happy" and "follow your heart". In my experience it's often a bullshit way for people to let themselves off the hook. I don't think anyone should stay in a truly unhappy, unhealthy or abusive marriage as that in itself is harmful for children. However, I don't think someone's itchy feet or desire for better sex trumps a child's wellbeing or is enough to walk away from your commitments. Children ARE harmed by the breakup of their family unit in such circumstances and as a parent I would need a fucking good reason to do that to my kids. Definitely more than being a bit bored and having my head turned, which is so often what happens.
On the issue of second families, I have seen the devastation this can cause. Sometimes the effect is only apparent decades later. Imagine being a child in what you think is a happy and secure family. Then your dad leaves. Then your dad has another baby with a new partner, and he lives with this new child 100% of the time, just like he used to live with you, but now you only get to see him every other weekend. It's quite obvious that this child is at risk of feeling that they've been replaced. It's rare, IME, that anyone speaks or writes about this from that first child's perspective.
Many second wives (and husbands)! would miss out on the chance to have families of their own
This is a line that's been trotted out by a certain member of my family on occasion and I just think it's so selfish. An adult's desire to have a child with a particular person does not trump the well-being of that person's existing children. There are billions of other people on the planet to procreate with.

Ragwort · 05/12/2019 20:45

YANBU, I do volunteering with young people and the amount of unhappy, vulnerable children in ‘blended’ families is horrifying. The parents like to put on a brave face and say ‘everything is fine’ but in reality it really isn’t. I try to help teenagers who have been pushed out of the family home due to mum (or Dad) having more children with a new partner. One young person said it had completely ruined his opinion of relationships .

It’s not fashionable to say this of course (& I acknowledge there are successful blended families).

I have a step father myself, and have been incredibly lucky, have never been treated any differently to my half siblings, so I know it can work, but it often doesn’t.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:47

@LauraMacArthur I tagged Brian, why would it be aimed at you??

LauraMacArthur · 05/12/2019 20:49

@Sleepingstandingup your comment about only having sex with postmenopausal women

BrainFart · 05/12/2019 20:54

@SleepingStandingUp

Divorced at 36. Regarding step-mums :

If she were childless and still in the age range to want children and do something about it, then I would continually have it in the back of my mind, which I suspect would cause problems in the relationship at some point.

If she already had her own kids - I'm not sure that would interest me. If she were any kind of mother then her kids would always come first for her (as mine do for me, at least until they are older teenagers) and I don't think a relationship started on the basis that your partner is not the most important person to you is likely to succeed.

In either case, at the moment I only see a decent chance of a failed relationship and the risks associated with having a/some women flit in and out of my kids lives (or just choosing a woman who doesn't fit well with the kids), and I'm happy enough being single for the time being to not want to risk it.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:54

@LauraMacArthur yeah, I have no idea how old you are or who you have sex with. My point, tagged to BRIAN was if he has sex with a woman who is pre menopausal there's always the risk of pregnancy and hence step siblings. This is MN where its frequently pointed out that if men don't want children they shouldn't have sex.

Itsjustmee · 05/12/2019 20:57

My money went to from around £180 a month to 0 over a period of a few years first it dropped because of his partners child then they had two kids so it dropped even more and then eventually to 0
My ex had 2 kids by his wife and her own kid in the calculation he was also self employed and fiddled his wages
This was years ago so it may be different now how they calculate things
I had the last laugh though as he did to his wife what he did to me and she was left penniless and homeless with two young kids a few years ago and had to return to the uk after living abroad with absolutely nothing

SleepingStandingUp · 05/12/2019 20:59

@BrainFart
Divorced at 36
Fair enough, I do wonder tho if your willingness to not have a relationship again would be different if your relationship with your child's Mom had ended at 18, obviously a vasectomy to ensure your children never have step siblings isn't something to judge you badly on but there would still be the aforementioned issue of a step mom / women in their lives.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread