Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

[GingerRH]

Some of the replies to this thread flabbergast me.

For those who say NRP shouldn't have another child, what about RP? Or does the buck stop with the NRP. Cause obviously the guy MUST have been a cheating lying son of a bitch else he would still be with the mother of his child. Heaven forbid he should ever find happiness with another woman and successfully start another family.

People realise that not all Dads walk out of their kids and no longer want them in their lives. I imagine a lot would willingly become the RP with the Mum being the NRP. But that just doesn't happen.

So why should that mean that they don't get a second change to be an amazing full time dad?!

Honestly I wish I viewed the world as black and white as the rest of you I really do.

[PumpkinP]

For those who say NRP shouldn't have another child, what about RP? Or does the buck stop with the NRP.

Tbf many posters have said they will never have children again with another man.

[Carmenfortuna]

Havent rtft , I wouldnt be without my half brothers and sisters . My heart breaks just to think of it.
My sisters are my closest friends.
None of us even think of the half .
I love the bones of my sisters child .
I would hate to have been an only.
I did act up when they were born but those feelings didnt last forever .
Yes , we had less money. Yes i had to share when id been a (spoilt) only for years.
It doesnt matter a jot now were grown .

I know many many families like this , also ones where it didnt work out (usually because the nrp spoiled and cossetted the 'first' family to the detriment of his 'second').

[PhilomenaChristmasPie]

Shit, I've done this twice. If all the DC are happy, who cares?

[JacquesHammer]

Summergarden thank you

When I was sterilised after my DCs several people asked if I’d change my mind if something happened to DH and I met a new man who wanted biological kids. I always replied that I wouldn’t want kids with another man so never hesitated

Im still trying to get sterilised. Still being turned down for being single and “I might meet a man and change my mind”. Such patronising twaddle.

[EntropyRising]

And what people who avoid blended families like the plague don't realise is that not everyone views a child having half siblings as the devil or tantamount to abandoning the first child, nor do they think how a child might misinterpret the situation if not properly nurtured to be an appropriate guiding force for a decision as key to a person's life as this.

Three adults, possibly four, possibly more, all having little control over one another, have to negotiate a stressful arrangement optimally over a period of many years in order to not damage your children. It almost always doesn't work. I would call this borrowing trouble.

[PumpkinP]

Just to add it seems the opinion do go both ways, that nrp and rp shouldn’t have any more kids again with anyone else. There’s a lot of posts on the relationships board and here from people who say they will never meet anyone ever again now they are single and will stay that way until their children have grown up and moved out. In reality I don’t know a single person who has done that but seems pretty common on MN.

[GingerRH]

If the comments on this thread are anything to go by....

We should all instantly cease procreation.

Because no one can actually guarantee that in 5/10/15/20 years we'll still actually be with the person we breed with.

Honestly the words fail me.

[emilybrontescorsett]

Bollykecks don’t be so patronising.
I do know how my dc feel actually , they confide in me.

That’s the problem with these threads.
People get all defensive around their situation.
If you want to have kids with endless men then crack on.
Don’t patronise others who have direct experience of it having a negative impact on the existing children.
The men and women im talking bout who have abandoned their first lit if children did all leave to shack up with other families, that is the point!!!!!

[hsegfiugseskufh]

pumpkin its good to remember that MN is nothing like the real world.

[funinthesun19]

I won’t be having any more children because I have 4 already.
However, If I only had 1 or 2 then I would have been more open about the idea of having a child with a partner if I ever meet one in the future. But my hands are fully tied with the ones I have already got.

And if I had ONE child through a fling at 18 years old, I would fully expect to be able to have more children with someone I love in the future. The man in the op is so ridiculous.

[EntropyRising]

And if I had ONE child through a fling at 18 years old, I would fully expect to be able to have more children with someone I love in the future.

This scenario features in my 'always practice safe sex' conversations with my boys - that they should strive mightily to have children with only one woman and teenage parenthood makes that all but impossible.

[QueenAnneBoleyn]

That work colleague needs to mind his own business regardless of his previous experience / feelings on the situation.

DH has two kids from a previous relationship. He adores them and rightly so. He split with his ex as she cheated on him. Following said split she was extremely vile and made his attempts at 50/50 contact very difficult. He really fought for his children.

When I married him, I wanted children. He wanted more children. We now have one DD who loves her big sisters, as they do her. At no point did he “leave his kids behind”. Just because his ex cheated and split the family, who do people think they are to say that he shouldn’t have more children? That I shouldn’t have children with the person I’m in love with and married to?

It was the ex who told his girls “now Daddy is married, he’s going to go off and have his proper family” (how someone could say something this vile to their kids!).
Thankfully now the girls are older they realise what their mum can be like but if they’ve been affected by DH having another child then that’s down to what their mother has been saying to them, not DH’s behaviour or parenting. They remain very much in our lives / family.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Emily with all due respect, they're children - from personal experience I know that sometimes children tell you what you want to hear, They also change their minds more than they change their pants. Its fine that you don't want to have any more children in case you upset them, but to judge everyone else based on that is not very fair.

[AlternativePerspective]

But let’s look at worst case scenario

Couple who have two children together split. Each of those people gets together with another partner, each of which have two children, so you now have two children plus two step children on either side, meaning the two original children are now each one of six.

But it then goes further, the father/mother of the four step children then get together with a partner who in turn also has two children. So now we have:

Two children who each have four step siblings who each have six step siblings. And then the original couple each have a child with their new partner, and the new partner’s ex’s has a new child with their new partner.

So now you have two children who have four step siblings and one half sibling. Each of those four step siblings has six step siblings and two half siblings, except the one half sibling of the four step siblings is not related to the original two children. And all those children have different contact schedules and spend a greater or lesser amount with each parent, apart from the new children who now spend all of their time with the parents while all the other children are shipping in and out at random.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

If you want to have kids with endless men then crack on

I have one child with one man thank you very much, but continue on your rant if you want...

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@Bollykecks what on earth are you on about? Of course my ex having more children would affect my DS, and therefore me, which is why he would discuss it with me. I don't mean he would ask my permission, of course he wouldn't and neither does he need to. But he would discuss his plans with me, whether it would mean his contact time was changing, maintenance payments were changing, and how best to prepare DS for it.

[doritosdip]

My ex and I have dated other people but we haven't had any more kids and won't be having any more either. 3 kids is hard enough to divide our attention and financial resources.

Ex is a good Dad for a NRP but was sadly much better when we were together. "Keeping contact" is fine for extended family but a low bar for a parent. It is really great when people successfully 50/50 but ex's job means that it wouldn't be possible in our case. Personally I'm fine being RP but in an ideal world the kids would have stayed being close to their Dad but visits rather than actual parenting has diminished their bond.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

wax ive already said that discussing maintenance and access ect is essential, but him having another child wouldn't neccesarily directly affect you at all

our contact, maintenance etc didn't change for dss when we had ds.

we told ex that we were having a baby but that was it, nothing else changed.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

I don't know any men who offer to do 50/50 either, the ones I know always say they can't because of their working hours. Though all the women seem to manage it.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

wax ah right so because you don't know any means there must not be any at all who offer.

I know lots of mums who offer EOW or nothing at all.... most men IME don't get a choice of contact.

[EntropyRising]

wax ive already said that discussing maintenance and access ect is essential, but him having another child wouldn't neccesarily directly affect you at all

Surely your child having a new sibling in the aftermath of a divorce affects you?

[hsegfiugseskufh]

how entropy?

[EntropyRising]

You have to support them emotionally, of course.

It is not easy to see your parents have new children with new partners.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

entropy

I have been there, as it goes. I personally didn't find it the pure hell that most other posters did, though.

You do need to support your children yes. I would imagine that's a given and doesn't necessarily warrant huge discussion, though.