Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

It's common enough but I would imagine it hurts a lot to have your father (or mother) move out of the family home leaving you behind and start a new family that lives with him (or her). It hasn't happened to me but if my dad had moved out when I was a child and got himself some new children instead of us I would not have taken it well. Your brother is in a different situation. He had never been part of his son's family home so his son may feel differently.

I don’t really like ‘blended families’. I think already existing children get a very rough deal. Having to live with adults and maybe other children that they have little connection with or may not like because their parent has formed a new relationship.

DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work.

I think his colleague needs to get on with his work.

When someone leaves a relationship they leave the other person not the child / ren. No person should stay for the sake of the child / ren to make the other person happy.

I have a great relationship with my EX therefore I do not agree with the views. We co parent well and we are both adult enough to ensure the needs of our child comes first.

@LauraMacArthur We have never said a negative word about their mother to them and actively support her when we can in her decisions. Now that they are older they have asked why they didn't have more contact with DH and the truth is because she fought it so hard. She didn't want it and she was willing to use them to get at him. DH has simply framed it as it wasn't what mummy thought was best at the time. But the kids are stupid and they remember more than I think she'd like them to. And now they get to make their own decisions.

Having a kid is not ‘starting a family’, it’s just ‘having a kid’, there are over 200,000 more produced every single day. People who choose to have a kid with several lovers largely don’t seem to realise the complexities of their choice until a few years in, and then whine about how ‘hard’ it all is to manage the logistics, emotions, finances, jealousies, etc. Almost as if no thought was put into it? Or the lifelong impact their choices will inflict on all of the offspring?
From my own experience and hearing what people with kids to multiple lovers lives are like, it seems awful. ‘Blending’ is not a thing, it’s just ‘making my kids share their home with my current boyfriend’ or whatever. Sex life and children=remain entirely separate. No need to make kids ‘blend’, just keep it all compartmentalised.

I disagree with the argument that parents have amount of contact "forced" upon them.

My ex-husband was an abuser (in every way except physically) and he was almost automatically awarded 50:50 by the courts simply because he was our boys' father.

The kids were just 3 and 6 at the time and up until that point I had absolutely been their main carer having given up my career to raise them.

I'm not for one second saying that I think the decision of the court was the correct one BTW, five years on it is still in place and it kills me.

But I guess what I am saying is how many (usually) dads really fight for more custody if we're being totally honest? If so, what are the reasons it is not awarded?

As for significantly reduced contact its not alwsys the case especially for people who work long hours and do next to no childcare anyway. In some cases eow is more quality time then they had prev.

That's why I was careful to say "in the majority of cases" rather than in all cases. Most parents who leave the home that their children live in will be seeing a lot less of them than they did when they lived together. I'm not really sure how you can "see it" any other way. A person either lives with their children or they don't. If they don't live with their children because they have chosen to live elsewhere and are unwilling/unable to take their children with them then they have left their children. That's just a simple fact.

whats theyre not ending the relationship with the child though are they?

No wonder why so many kids end up fucked up when this is the attitide of the parents.

Teen pregnancies rarely end up with the parents staying together long-term. That's why we try to keep our teenagers from having babies. Your DB has moved on to an adult committed relationship, that seems completely reasonable to me.

If you're talking about a 45 year old man leaving his wife to remarry a 20-something, then I'd have a different answer.

Not all "new families" are created equally.

It’s not something I would ever do and can see his viewpoint.

I don’t see the need to have a child in every relationship. The ones who don’t live there miss out and have to live with the knowledge that a half sibling gets far more time/money from one parent and their time/money is often reduced. Then you see posts of its inconvenient to have them over after the birth, when one is sick etc or want a holiday with just the new household.

Children in the same household can also be affected if they have different parents as a step parent rarely treat someone their own and someone else’s child exactly the same from what I’ve seen. I’m sure they may be some that do though.

It seems the adult wants take precedence over what might be best for the existing children in a lot of cases.

It's not something I would do, I've already decided if me and my husband split up no way I would go on to have further children to another man as I would want my current two children to ever feel different and with blended families I think they would do as children that aren't your own will be treated differently

My priority in life is the two kids I have and always will be.

It depends completely on the circumstances, but in the situation described in the opening post the first child had been brought up from birth to see his stepfather as his father. The parent were never together within the child's memory, and presumably the level of contact remained constant throughout...

That sounds like making the best of an accidental set of circumstances, it would be unreasonable to expect the parents not to have more children in that set up especially considering their ages and the fact they never lived as a family.

However sometimes having a second family absolutely is irresponsible and unethical IMO, particularly where the first children are grieving the breakup of an established family and are abandoned by a parent who they lived with for years, who within a short space of a few years consigns children who were his (or sometimes her) while world for many years and are still school age, to a footnote in order to effectively replace them with a new batch.

It depends, in the end, whether the first children's quality of life will be seriously reduced (not just materially though that is part of it, but more importantly in term of self esteem and identity through the absolutely foundational primary relationship with their two parents).

Tricky ine but imo fine if all are treated equally. That is key. All kids feel put out by the arrival of a new sibling but it is how the adults manage it that counts.

Should all parents stay together for the kids then? Or get divorced and remain single until they die?

It’s definitely something that should be considered carefully and managed carefully. Much more so then having a first family.

It’s sad to hear some of the stories here

Bollykecks staying together and staying single are not the same as not having a second set of children.

But apparently even having a step parent is damaging so...

You can only casually date? Or just pretend to your children you havent moved on?

Doesn't seem like there is much option tbh.

In our situations it's quite different. My step kids love it here, this is very much their home too. They're here every weekend and most of the holidays. We do everything as a family, they all get treated the same. They do get 'jealous' in a sense because it was their mums fault their dad left and they'd rather be with him, she kicked him out and moved his best mate in to be the new daddy and expected them to be OK with that. They all witnessed her having an affair with him and had to keep it a secret from their dad, whom they idolise. We are now 5 years on and the kids all still detest them both for it. Of course the anger all gets directed at my DH by the ex. It's always his fault.

Myself and my ex and our new partners have 50/50 shared care, it's extremely amicable, we are all friends, the kids thrive in it. My kids all adore my 'new' DH. They think he's the best stepdad in the world. Our '2nd families' are absolutely spot on, all the kids are included and play a part.

I do know some people who have experienced a parent getting with a new partner, having additional children and losing interest in them. Interestingly one girl I knew still had her mother as the resident parent when she seemed to move on from her. The poor girl ended up with an undiagnosed medical condition that went untreated because her mum was too busy with her new family unit to notice and her stepdad didn't give a shit.

Even in the best circumstances I think it's hard for a person to treat their first and second families equally.

What I find depressing is how little thought goes into entering these situations for some. Like those threads where the second partner is having her first baby and wants her step kids to stay away for a while for bonding reasons. You shouldn't have kids with someone who already has them if that's how you feel.

If you can truly afford your children then it's none of their business (by afford I don't mean paying £26 a week cms

Even so, it's nobody's business. Children are people, not luxury items, not numbers on a spreadsheet. This dehumanizing bollocks ultimately leads to the kind of horrendous policies that have seen vulnerable women being sterilized or worse in some countries- I recommend the recent doc on China's one child policy. That illustrates the horrors of what happens when life becomes less important than ideology.

Bollykecks there is a world of options between casually dating and planning more children with someone!

As a lot of (I think most) people are saying, it depends on the circumstances. Where children have been living in a family unit with both parents and the parents relationship breaks down, the top priority of both parents needs to be the quality of their existing children's lives - first and foremost their emotional security and self esteem and confidence and relationship with both parents, but also their material well being.

Just as you only have a third child who will be a full sibling to your first children within an existing family if you feel sure that aside from perhaps in the few days around the birth your older children will not feel replaced and will not suffer a reduced quality of life or relationship with either parent, so should a parent prioritise their existing children's quality of life above as yet theoretical unconceived children in a new relationship.

Children who exist trump children who don't exist, essentially.

It's easier to minimise impact on existing children in a simple family set up where children live with both their parents obviously. As soon as parents set up seperate households they have to work hard at ensuring that their children's lives and foundational primary relationships are not of inferior quality for the break up.

Add step parents to the mix and of course it becomes even harder, and start a second family and it becomes harder still to ensure the first children don't suffer for their parents' wants.

Blended families can work, but it's obviously by no means automatic and the default is that the first children are relegated on multiple levels to second priority. Where time or money are in short supply or the second batch of children come along too soon after the original family breaks up, or one parent moves geographically a long way away, prioritising living with a new partner over their existing children, this is inevitable.

Sometimes it can all work well, but the circumstances and passage of time and finances and relationships all have to align for that to happen.

Why should children make reproductive choices for their parents? Did you ask your first child before you decided to have a second child? Did you take that child's feelings into consideration before having another child or was ot a decision between you and your dh
People should definitely think of their existing children when deciding to have another child! Which is why people speak about giving their DC a sibling, or not having another child because it would take away attention from their existing child. The fact that many people don't take their DC into account is exactly the problem.

I think it's really sad when parents (nearly always fathers) leave their wife, end up barely seeing their DC and then start a second family. Their first DC must feel abandoned. There is a case in my family and it has had lasting impact, even 15 years on the first DC are still unhappy with the situation. It's like their father has started a new, better family because the first one was a disappointment.
I can't imagine leaving my OH and starting a new family while only seeing my kids once eow. I don't know how some men do it.

Both of my husbands parents are remarried. He has a sibling. A step and 3 "half" siblings. There were moments when they were growing where priorities had to shift. But they are a family and get on. Because the children know they are loved and valued and welcomed by all branches of their family. AND they've extended that to me and my preexisting children whilst still having "room" for my child with DH. Their dynamic is so much healthier than the one I was raised in. Two parents, together from youth with a very closed off emotional life, some neglect and violence.
Its none of your brother''s colleagues busiNess how his family is construed. From the outside its impossible to know how children feel about it. Plenty of marriages are dysfunctionAl and damaging to children. I don't think the problem in them is new children. It's that the care for the kids wasn't there anyway.