Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

[RainMinusBow]

I'm 39 and have two children from my first marriage (ex was/is an abusive controller who was awarded 50:50 by the courts five years ago when they were just 3 and 6). It's left me feeling like a shit mum and it still hurts like mad now they're 12 and 9.

15 weeks' pregnant with my third child, it is my fiancé's first. All happy except ex who has gone MAD at me and will be taking me back to court again now!!

[aSofaNearYou]

Agreed @funinthesun19, but the people saying having another child is selfish and invariably awful are usually also the same people saying having separated parents is invariably a damaging hardship for the child, so by that token I see them both as an equally self motivated decision that may ot may not lead to negative repercussions for the child depending on the case in question.

[funinthesun19]

I don’t think it’s actually selfish to end a relationship, if it improves the atmosphere in the children’s home. Parents in toxic and unhappy relationships do their children no favours by staying together.

I also think it’s case by case basis whether having another baby would be a good/bad idea or not. You can’t just say in every blended family it will be awful. Whoever thinks that needs to get a grip.

[aSofaNearYou]

Entropy

I am far from saying that separating is too selfish and therefore we shouldn't do it, I am saying that sometimes being selfish whilst making big decisions about our own lives is normal, and almost everyone here that is separated has done it - so it's a bit rich to then turn around and say anyone that puts their own desire to have another child above a child's desire for them to not do so is unacceptable, given that it was fine to be selfish when you chose to separate.

The decision to have another child is as much not about the child's wishes as the decision to separate is, both will affect them, but both are decisions we all make for ourselves.

[EntropyRising]

Well, yes, it is selfish to separate in the first place. This can be good, and it can be bad.

In any long and successful marriage people deal with a lot of shit that tests their resolve. There's abuse and infidelity and the like and no one should stick around for that, but other than that, it's all a grey zone. Divorce that comes out of the grey zone is not great - if you can get through the early years and young kids, it mellows out and gets easier.

I'm a product of divorce and they hated each other and I was very happy when they split. I understand it can be the best of a bad situation.

[WorkingAsHardAsICan]

He should keep his home life private and not discuss this any more

[aSofaNearYou]

Waxonwaxoff0 and that's fine if it's what you want and it works for you, but I think it's a bit rich of people to take the approach that having more children is the only selfish or damaging thing, when excluding the cases where the parent goes on to stop caring for or about their older child due to having another (which is not standard), it's very obvious that the most selfish and damaging decision was the one to separate. That was the decision that resulted in actual, real life implications to how much they saw the child and had input into their lives, rather than just wishy washy misinterpretations like "they had another child so they must not love the first", which are clearly untrue and any decent parent would put the time into explaining that to the oldest child, like they would in a nuclear family. There is no reason that having half siblings would mean a parent would care for the older one any less. There ARE reasons why separating would mean you won't see the child as much.

All feels very hypocritical.

[Pipstelle]

Surely the formation of a new or blended family is so complex you can't make blanket statements. The personalities involved and the strength of the relationships of all involved will greatly impact the outcome. A woman who leaves a crap marriage and runs into the arms of another horrid awful man and immediately gets pregnant again is far different than a woman who amicably divorces, has a working co-parenting relationship and then remarries/has another child. Equally a man who flounces off without a look backwards into the arms of the OW is very different than a man with a reasonable contact arrangement who provides for his existing children both financially and emotionally. It's just not apples to apples.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@aSofaNearYou

Because the way I see it, I've already caused some upheaval to DS by getting divorced, so why would I want to add even more to his life?

You don't have to stay celibate. I haven't. You don't need a relationship for that. I've been on casual dates, when DS is at his dad's. I just don't intend on moving a man in, having more children and making DS play happy families with a new father figure.

[aSofaNearYou]

Three adults, possibly four, possibly more, all having little control over one another, have to negotiate a stressful arrangement optimally over a period of many years in order to not damage your children. It almost always doesn't work. I would call this borrowing trouble.

The same is true of having children and then separating in the first place, or ever going on to date. You have no control in those scenarios either. It doesn't start and end with having more children. Realistically the decision made that "damaged the children" was when they decided to leave in the first place, which nobody is condemning.

Should all parents who separate stay celibate and alone for the rest of their lives? Some might say so, to punish them for the decision to leave, but personally I don't see why you should give up everything else you wanted in your life going forward, in the hope that it creates the illusion that yes you might have left but it's ok and not damaging because your child is still the single and only thing of importance to you in your life. Unless you stay under the same roof as the other parent, the damaging thing has already been done and you will never live with that child full time. Whether or not you go on to find love or have more children won't change that.

Kidding yourself that this decision is only selfish if you go on to have more children is naive. The truth is anyone that has had a child and separated has already put their needs above their child's, and rightly so, because it's not up to a child to dictate who an adult should be in a romantic relationship with, just as it's not up to a child to decide if said adult goes on to have more children providing they continue to care for them as well.

Everyone here that has separated when they have children has already put themselves first, and have justified it to themselves, yet are unable to see that choosing to have more children is no more selfish than that.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

entropy

I have been there, as it goes. I personally didn't find it the pure hell that most other posters did, though.

You do need to support your children yes. I would imagine that's a given and doesn't necessarily warrant huge discussion, though.

[EntropyRising]

You have to support them emotionally, of course.

It is not easy to see your parents have new children with new partners.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

how entropy?

[EntropyRising]

wax ive already said that discussing maintenance and access ect is essential, but him having another child wouldn't neccesarily directly affect you at all

Surely your child having a new sibling in the aftermath of a divorce affects you?

[hsegfiugseskufh]

wax ah right so because you don't know any means there must not be any at all who offer.

I know lots of mums who offer EOW or nothing at all.... most men IME don't get a choice of contact.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

I don't know any men who offer to do 50/50 either, the ones I know always say they can't because of their working hours. Though all the women seem to manage it.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

wax ive already said that discussing maintenance and access ect is essential, but him having another child wouldn't neccesarily directly affect you at all

our contact, maintenance etc didn't change for dss when we had ds.

we told ex that we were having a baby but that was it, nothing else changed.

[doritosdip]

My ex and I have dated other people but we haven't had any more kids and won't be having any more either. 3 kids is hard enough to divide our attention and financial resources.

Ex is a good Dad for a NRP but was sadly much better when we were together. "Keeping contact" is fine for extended family but a low bar for a parent. It is really great when people successfully 50/50 but ex's job means that it wouldn't be possible in our case. Personally I'm fine being RP but in an ideal world the kids would have stayed being close to their Dad but visits rather than actual parenting has diminished their bond.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@Bollykecks what on earth are you on about? Of course my ex having more children would affect my DS, and therefore me, which is why he would discuss it with me. I don't mean he would ask my permission, of course he wouldn't and neither does he need to. But he would discuss his plans with me, whether it would mean his contact time was changing, maintenance payments were changing, and how best to prepare DS for it.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

If you want to have kids with endless men then crack on

I have one child with one man thank you very much, but continue on your rant if you want...

[AlternativePerspective]

But let’s look at worst case scenario

Couple who have two children together split. Each of those people gets together with another partner, each of which have two children, so you now have two children plus two step children on either side, meaning the two original children are now each one of six.

But it then goes further, the father/mother of the four step children then get together with a partner who in turn also has two children. So now we have:

Two children who each have four step siblings who each have six step siblings. And then the original couple each have a child with their new partner, and the new partner’s ex’s has a new child with their new partner.

So now you have two children who have four step siblings and one half sibling. Each of those four step siblings has six step siblings and two half siblings, except the one half sibling of the four step siblings is not related to the original two children. And all those children have different contact schedules and spend a greater or lesser amount with each parent, apart from the new children who now spend all of their time with the parents while all the other children are shipping in and out at random.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Emily with all due respect, they're children - from personal experience I know that sometimes children tell you what you want to hear, They also change their minds more than they change their pants. Its fine that you don't want to have any more children in case you upset them, but to judge everyone else based on that is not very fair.

[QueenAnneBoleyn]

That work colleague needs to mind his own business regardless of his previous experience / feelings on the situation.

DH has two kids from a previous relationship. He adores them and rightly so. He split with his ex as she cheated on him. Following said split she was extremely vile and made his attempts at 50/50 contact very difficult. He really fought for his children.

When I married him, I wanted children. He wanted more children. We now have one DD who loves her big sisters, as they do her. At no point did he “leave his kids behind”. Just because his ex cheated and split the family, who do people think they are to say that he shouldn’t have more children? That I shouldn’t have children with the person I’m in love with and married to?

It was the ex who told his girls “now Daddy is married, he’s going to go off and have his proper family” (how someone could say something this vile to their kids!).
Thankfully now the girls are older they realise what their mum can be like but if they’ve been affected by DH having another child then that’s down to what their mother has been saying to them, not DH’s behaviour or parenting. They remain very much in our lives / family.

[EntropyRising]

And if I had ONE child through a fling at 18 years old, I would fully expect to be able to have more children with someone I love in the future.

This scenario features in my 'always practice safe sex' conversations with my boys - that they should strive mightily to have children with only one woman and teenage parenthood makes that all but impossible.

[funinthesun19]

I won’t be having any more children because I have 4 already.
However, If I only had 1 or 2 then I would have been more open about the idea of having a child with a partner if I ever meet one in the future. But my hands are fully tied with the ones I have already got.

And if I had ONE child through a fling at 18 years old, I would fully expect to be able to have more children with someone I love in the future. The man in the op is so ridiculous.