Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

In a lot of cases it seems to make for a fairly strained existence. There are obviously families (like the ones on the thread) where it works well but there are too many where it really doesn’t.

One of my friends is still being hurt in her 30s. Her dad will never come to visit over Christmas for example as his children with the 2nd wife (and hers) are prioritised. He doesn’t really go to that much effort at all and barely sees in grandchild. Her wedding was tarnished by her mum and dad still being at each other’s throats, special occasions for her children are awkward because she has to negotiate the politics. Her side then get jealous and petty because she is close to her in-laws. It makes me so sad for her but I suspect she’s far from unique.

I do think it's awful when a man or woman ignores existing kids to have more. However, i think it is very easy for happliy married parents to judge and say people should not find new love and stay single.
Downright out of order in fact. So we all need to deny ourselves happiness if a relationship crumbles? Just people need to choose carefully and not rush things.

Some blended families work, others don 't.
There is a lot of damage done when a parent leaves the family home and shacks up with someone else then had a second family.
Lots of shitty, selfish parents who quite frankly should not be procreating.
I don't like people making excuses for men& women who inflct so much damage in their children.

I dont have a problem with it, I've done the same. I met someone else when my son was 10 and we had a baby when he was 13, it's not easy but my son isnt suffering because of it. My sons dad on the other hand has no involvement and doesnt pay a penny and has had 2 other kids. That I have a problem with. I also have a problem when the non resident parent has more kids without consideration for their first kids and drop maintenance or say they can no longer afford to support them because they've had more or they pay the minimum csa which then goes down even further. They obviously couldn't afford more kids but done it anyway.

I don't like people making excuses for men& women who inflct so much damage in their children

im pretty sure that nobody is. The fact is though that parents inflict damage on their children all the time, but it isn't just divorced parents who do this. Some people are just shit parents full stop.

I hate the whole divorce = damage thing. Actually, some parents staying together is far more damaging to their kids than them moving on and actually being happy.

I for one certainly wouldn't be any better off if my parents stayed together. I find it really offensive to divorced parents and second families that it is automatically assumed you're neglectful, put your own wants before that of your children, etc etc. Sometimes its true, but sometimes its the biggest load of bollocks ever.

it seems to me that women think they should be able to move on because they are RP and obv treat children all the same (not always in my experience) but men shouldn't because they LEAVE THEIR KIDS the evil bastards. Even though, i'd say 9 out of 10 women will want to have the kids FT and wouldn't even consider the man staying in the family home.

Its very easy to say oh you walked away from our children, but I bet most women who say that are not women who would consider 50/50 care.

I'm divorced and I will not be having a new relationship or any more DC. My ex has a long term partner but she is childfree and neither of them want children together.

I don't think divorce damages children if it is done amicably, but I do not want to rock the boat any more by forcing a new step parent and siblings on my DS.

That "happiness" that people talk about often comes at the expense of their children. Stepfamilies are complicated and rarely keep everyone happy. Quite frankly I think they're more trouble than they're worth. I had a stepdad by the way and we clashed so much that I left home at 17. I will not put DS through that.

Stepmum here...

A lot of you have a misguided view on what happens in at least some cases.
1 - having more kids to reduce cms payments is nonsense, I've just checked with the calculator and if DH and I had a baby (we're TTC) our payment would only drop by £20/month. Having a kid is going to cost a lot. I absorb a lot of our costs as a couple because he pays maintenance.
2 - selfishness of having more children. My stepson's mother has said she won't have any more children, but she is really pleased that we want to as she wants my stepson to experience having a sibling.
3 - stepmums/stepparents. Obviously there are some bad ones, but overall most stepparents I interact with on stepparents groups online are people who really care about their stepchildren and want a good relationship and a lot of them have made significant sacrifices to support their partner in parenting, support them through court etc. I know I have.
4 - time with the NRP. Someone said something about from the child's point of view "daddy moving out and having more children he lives with while you only see him every other weekend" - this is why 50/50 should be standard, but a lot of RPs don't want to increase the time the child is with NRP because that does reduce the maintenance. I appreciate there are of course some NRPs who don't bother but there are also a lot of RPs who make it really hard.

I had a stepdad by the way and we clashed so much that I left home at 17

that has obviously coloured your view, because step families can be successful.

I think it is sad that you will deny yourself any future relationship just in case your children don't like them. A new partner might be an excellent addition to your childrens life.

Sounds like the work colleague has some issue of his own.
He is taking it out on your DB rather than getting annoyed with the person he really wants to be angry with - like his own Dad for example.
This is a work colleague problem.
It's not about whether who is right or wrong on the 'new family' argument. It's the fact the colleague is making judgmental remarks in the workplace.
Your DB needs to tell this person to stop interfering in his private life.
Your DB response to a comment should be 'what was your own Dad like?' and then wait to see the expression on the colleague's face.

@RainMinusBow

We fought for more access to my stepson, and got it actually. We'd love to have 50/50 but stepson's mother chose to move a 3 hour drive away so it's not possible. Then she complains about how hard it is 🤷‍♀️

I think a lot of men/NRPs don't have the support to go through court and fight. It was the worst 6 months ever and incredibly stressful and expensive. I also think our society is still stick in the habit of defaulting to mothers. I think when parents separate 50/50 should be the starting point and that would force the parent who has done less to step up.

@Bollykecks successful ones are less common than the opposite. You see it time and time again on here.

And I'm not denying myself anything, because I'm happy being single, I do not define myself by my relationships status, and I think that people who need a relationship to be happy are pretty sad to be honest.

I think it's important that separated parents make very careful decisions about new partners, but you guys are so down about stepparents.
I have a stepmum (although no step or half siblings) and she has genuinely been a really wonderful abd supporting figure in my life and I feel lucky to have had an extra person on my side.
My stepson's mother has told me that I'm the best thing that happened to the family since my stepson and is grateful and respectful of the role I play in his life.
Stepparents can be amazing

My parents divorced when I was young and in a way I wish my mother had found a new partner. With it literally just being me and my mum the relationship was intense and remains so to this day. It causes a huge amount of guilt on my part for having my own life to the extende I feel the need to appologise to my mum for not being able to speak to her for a day because I have an important appointment or am otherwise busy. It also makes me feel that the entire happiness or unhappiness rests on my shoulder. If she had a partner and possible second child I could at least have some room to breath.

@Bollykecks 100% spot on.

waxon well basing that on posts on MN isn't accurate is it, people aren't going to come here to specifically post about how well their blended family works. They generally come on here to post their problems.

We could also assume that the vast amount of Men are cheating abusers, most MILS are interfering and unreasonable, most neighbours are CF's etc.

I never said anyone needs to be in a relationship to be happy, but denying yourself even trying it out ever again because of something that might happen is foolish. Your children will never thank you for it either!

I remember hearing Robert Lindsay as a guest on a radio programme some time back and he was talking about his family. He was gushing talking about how much he'd loved bringing up his later child with another woman.

He said he was sad that HE had missed out on the opportunity to properly enjoy fatherhood with his earlier daughters as he'd been so busy throwing himself into his career and was having a whale of a time, he was very rarely at home. He went on to say that he was so glad that he had eventually had that pleasure of children who did fit in with his preferred schedules.

I listened open-mouthed, disgusted by his blase attitude - I hope he just phrased his actual feelings very badly, but it sounded very much like he treated his older daughters as failed projects, a bit of a waste of HIS time and potential joy that you just have to put down to experience. Not, you know, actual human children who deserved to be brought up by loving parents. Not an apparent hint of regret on THEIR behalf.

I don't expect DS to thank me for it. It's what I've chosen to do and so far it's been happy and stress free.

Besides, I had DS young so if I do want a relationship in the future I can do so when he's an adult.

waxon why, will his feelings not matter when he's an adult? probably come as a massive shock to him that you're not focusing 100% of your attention on him even as an adult wont it?

Your brother deserves happiness. He met someone when he was a teenager who then got pregnant and subsequently left him. I don’t think your brother should miss out on marriage and more children just because he had a child with someone when he was 18, that’s utterly preposterous.

@Bollykecks you do realise that I do have a social life as well?

This idea that being single means you are slavishly devoted to your child and have nothing else going on in your life is again, ridiculous. I share custody of DS with my ex, so I do not have him 100% of the time. I do find other things to keep me busy.

waxon being single doesn't mean you are slavishly devoted to your child no, but saying you will not enter another relationship just in case your child is less than happy about it, suggests just that. IMO its very silly and like a PP said, it actually can cause more problems.

Its your choice of course, but I personally think its an incredibly silly stance to take.

I know people always say that they're leaving their (usually) wives and NOT their children - and the 'standard' is to tell them that Mummy and Daddy no longer love each other but rest assured they still both love the children very much and always will.

The fact is that, for whatever reason, they ARE leaving their children too, as a secondary by-product of their primary decision to no longer live with their ex-spouse. In most cases, they aren't abandoning or severing contact with them, but they ARE leaving them; if people reject the word 'leaving' then at the very least they are making them a much less significant part of their lives purely by virtue of the fact that they previously lived with them and saw them all the time outside of school and working hours, but now, days or even weeks regularly go by without seeing each other, and that becomes the new family 'norm'.

It's bad enough for a child to lose all of that time with their father (assuming no abuse or any need for him to have left aside from his no longer loving their mum), when they live with mum in house A and dad lives on his own in house B. At least that helps them to sort it in their minds a bit more, that they have their home with Mummy where they spend some (most) of their time and they also have their home with Daddy, where they also spend some (less) of their time. Either way, they are a main/important focus of both of their parents' lives.

However, when dad forms a new relationship and then has children with the new woman (and babies and little ones, by necessity, naturally get more attention than older children anyway), they don't understand the dynamics of adult relationships. All they will see is that "Daddy left Mummy and me and sees me every couple of weeks, but now he lives with the other lady and their new children together ALL of the time. No effort or arrangements are needed for them as the default is that they're all always together. Daddy lives with the new lady because he loves her more than Mummy, therefore Daddy must live with his new children all the time because he loves them more than me."

Yes, it's painful - relationship breakdowns always are; but it's very rare for the children not to suffer in some way. Everybody acknowledges the great heartbreak that children go through if a parent tragically dies and is taken from them, but many seem to gloss over the impact of one of their parents choosing to move away from them and then spending most of their time with a 'mummy replacement' and their new kids with her.

@Bollykecks I think that's down to the individual though. The PP who posted sounds like she has a very overbearing parent. I won't be that parent. I will be very happy when DS leaves the nest and lives his own life.

However, when dad forms a new relationship and then has children with the new woman (and babies and little ones, by necessity, naturally get more attention than older children anyway), they don't understand the dynamics of adult relationships. All they will see is that "Daddy left Mummy and me and sees me every couple of weeks, but now he lives with the other lady and their new children together ALL of the time. No effort or arrangements are needed for them as the default is that they're all always together. Daddy lives with the new lady because he loves her more than Mummy, therefore Daddy must live with his new children all the time because he loves them more than me.

well yes, if you explain it to them like that of course that's going to be how they feel. The reality is usually very different though isn't it?

maybe that's all they "see" but its incredibly easy to explain why that isn't the case. It seems as though many RPs are quite happy to let their kids believe that though. I wonder why?

The thing is, the alternative to all this heartbreak is for their parents to stay together and at least 1 party be miserable. Is that really better?

I am by no means saying everyone should move on and have a second family immediately, but what I am saying is that it happens, and actually if you handle it right (which I can see a lot of posters on this thread absolutely wouldn't and haven't) then it can work. Your kids are not destined for a miserable life being ignored by one parent because you divorce. It can happen ofc, but it doesn't have to be that way at all.

Like one poster said if the idea of seeing one parent EOW (Which I agree is less than ideal and not something I would go for) then why not offer 50/50? like I said before, many mothers wouldn't even consider that.

You cannot have it both ways. So many people struggle to put their child happiness before their own, and actually I think just as many RPs damage their child with their behaviour as NRPs do, all be it nobody really sees that damage because it is not as obvious as simply moving out.

waxon that's the point, its all down to the individuals, ie not all parents who re marry are wankers that will ruin their childs life