Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

[SuperMumTum]

I'm separated from the father of my kids. I would never inflict a new partner, step father, step siblings or half siblings on them. They are my absolute world and until they are grown up and moved away I will not date. However i am not a needy person and am happy in my own company so this suits me fine. I know some people crave relationships and I guess this leads to them prioritising their needs above their children's.

My ex has 2 extra kids (4 in total) with his new partner and mine very much feel sidelined by his new family unit of which they are only allowed to have a part time role in. Its cruel and unnecessary and selfish to plough on having kids just because you can without thinking of the ones you have. They can see straight through it and this has made me more determined to give them the stability they need at home.

[Pipstelle]

I have two stepkids. When I met DH he was going through court to try and get more access. In the end he won but his ex was so poisonous about it that it was stressing his young kids. He accepted what she wanted which was EOW. He decided successful Co-parenting was what was best for his two. But he missed them and being with them terribly. After we got married we weighed it all up quite carefully and to be honest if we'd had more contact with my stepkids I might not have tried for my own as I love them dearly and we get on great. We had two together and have tried our best to make our blended family work and I think it has (but you'd have to ask the kids!). His older two have missed out tremendously by having limited contact with him. DSD is now of an age where her views need to be listened to and she has said she'd like to live with us and DH is willing to go back to court to make it happen. Should we have not had the younger two? I honestly don't think it would have made much odds to the older ones and they dote on their younger half-siblings. BUT we truly have enough resource that one set isn't taking from the other. The older kids have their own bedrooms at their mums and with us. They haven't been shoe horned into a not big enough house. Having adequate resources makes a very big difference to the quality of life of the older kids.

[BrainFart]

@SleepingStandingUp

I may be misunderstanding your post, but I have not had a vasectomy (for what little that may interest others!).

You are right that I would think differently at 18.

[JuniLoolaPalooza]

In response to OP's question, your DB's colleague is way out of line and needs to reel his neck in.

However, I also do agree with everything WhatsInAName19 said. There is split due to an affair in my family and the impact on the children, particularly one of them, is absolutely devastating. I fear this will have an effect on his entire life (the split was handled particularly badly with a lot of abuse that the children were sadly exposed to, children acting out a lot which wasn't handled well either. I accept relationships break down but where children are involved they really must be central to moving forward from it).

[Happyspud]

I think everyone needs to make their own decisions about starting an additional family. But I also think some people don’t give enough weight in their decision to the fall out. And subsequently the effect of the fallout over time on the new family unit.

It’s not something I would like to have to decide about.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

supermum inflict is very negative.

I have a step dad and i have never felt he was "inflicted" on me at all.

I think its very sad you will probably never have another relationship because of how your children might feel. A step parent can be a massively positive influence when its all handled sensitively.

[Leaannb]

@ChristmasAngst.....Why should children make reproductive choices for their parents? Did you ask your first child before you decided to have a second child? Did you take that child's feelings into consideration before having another child or was ot a decision between you and your dh

[LauraMacArthur]

@Pipstelle Remember their mother is the one looking after them day to day, dealing with potentially nagging about homework etc. That's much harder, and it's probably easier for you and your dh to seem fun by comparison. Also bringing them up without their father will have been even harder for her. 50:50 wouldn't be a perfect solution to this as it's so disruptive, so her having main custody doesn't sound unusual if she was the main carer before. Please try and recognize this. You should encourage their relationship with their mother. I'm just imagining how utterly devastated I'd be if I was her, reading your post. You sound like you think she's a bad mother and the children would be better off with you and their dad. Imagine how you'd feel if that was your children?

[Inliverpool1]

I don’t know anyone who had a second child without considering the implications for the first ... I thought everyone did that

[SuperMumTum]

But Bolly I presume you didn't have a choice so inflict is the right word. I'm glad it worked out for you but I'm not taking the chance for my kids.

And don't feel sad for me, I'm much much happier single so it's not an imposition for me to put my kids first. It's the right thing for me to do.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

super no i didnt have a choice and nor should i have!

You seem to think that being in a relationship means you dont put your kids first which is ridiculous.

[Wannakisstheteacher]

Having grown up as part of a left behind first family, I would never, ever have a second family.

The first children always miss out. Always.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

teacher

Not always

[OneForMeToo]

As a child of a blended family I would never inflict it on my own children. My dh has now been snipped so if we did ever split he would have to think long and hard and costly as to if he was going to change his stance on more children.

I take the stance on both men and women. I don’t see why every relationship needs a new baby.

[Cacklingmags]

I wonder if the men who leave their first family for a younger partner and then have a second family would be so keen if they were required to continue to pay what it actually costs to raise their children.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

The language on this thread is so hideously one sided "leave their first family"

When you actually mean "leave their wife"

Some people do leave their kids but the majority just leave their wife and continue to be a parent.

[OneForMeToo]

Unless they share 50/50 they have left the children really. Going from every evening/weekend to every other weekend is hardly still parenting 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Surfskatefamily]

It shouldn't be taken lightly. I was a 'first family' child along with 1 sister and my father had two more children, my two other sisters.

We were poor, and I mean couldn't always afford food poor. They were not, their Bill's were paid on time.

They had fitting school uniform and nice Clarke's shoes. We had hand me downs and horrendous shoes that were very cheap and fell apart.

We had to decide on one after school hobby, they did anything they wanted. I got a recorder, my sister from dads second household got a trumpet and a saxophone.

(I'm not saying poor people have recorders lol, just these are some striking differences)

When dad took us on family holidays we'd go to cottage holidays in the country. Which was lovely, however when me and sister from my mum were not with them they went to New York, America, and beautiful and lovely places over Europe.

Felt pretty shitty

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Rubbish. When you leave your wife youre ending the relationship. Youre not ending the relationship with your children as well.

A lot of the time contact is court ordered and not the NRPs choice.

[user1493413286]

DH and I never saw having our own children as starting a new family; we saw it as adding to DSDs and our family as we were already a little family with DSD as is her mum and step dad.
A new family makes me think of the older child being dropped which isn’t the case for us.

[WhatsInAName19]

Bollykecks, of course they are leaving their kids. Their primary motive may be to leave their wife, but a secondary effect of that is that they also leave their kids. They physically are leaving the home that their kids live in and will have (in the vast majority of cases) significantly reduced contact with them. Unless they have just moved into the spare room perhaps 🤷‍♀️ People don't like to frame it this way because it makes them feel guilty, but that's the way it is.

[Ponoka7]

@Leaannb, that is completely different. One child wouldn't have to see their Sibling have their parents full attention, while they only got EOW.

I don't think EOW is nearly enough and that's what causes the resentment.

There does need to be more consideration. I see more Dads letting their children down, in these circumstances than I do Mothers. But I don't know if they'd be any better fathers if they didn't have the additional children.

[IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory]

Work colleague needs to mind his own business. I don’t understand why he is so upset? How does it affect him?

Anyway as you asked OP, I think “Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren)” is a pretty low bar for a parent. Being as much of a parent as the other parent is should be the expectation. Not “regular contact”.

[IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory]

And seeing his son EOW for a few hours only is woefully inadequate.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

whats

I dont personally see it like that at all.

Its nothing to do with guilt as ive never "left" anyone nor have i felt "left behind" either.

As for significantly reduced contact its not alwsys the case especially for people who work long hours and do next to no childcare anyway. In some cases eow is more quality time then they had prev.