Views on ‘starting a new family’?

[irishglaze]

I’m interested in people’s views on this as personally I’ve never experienced it first hand as neither my father or my mother had other children when they separated. My brother has been getting into arguments at work with a guy who has been ‘calling him out’ (DB’s words) on having children with his wife when he has a son from a previous relationship. DB had his son at 18 and he was unplanned. They split when she found out she was pregnant and she got with another man. He wasn’t in his life for the best part of 3 years as his ex claimed the other man was his son’s father. There was a DNA test and DB is now on the birth certificate. He has contact EOW on the weekends with overnights. He’s been married to his wife for 2 years now (together for 7) and they have a 3 year old. They are now expecting another early next year. DB’s colleague obviously had some words to say when he revealed the new arrival at work. He claimed DB shouldn’t have any more children and should concentrate on the one he already has. It’s really upset him, he’s a wonderful father and has always gone above and beyond.

Personally I think that as long as you maintain regular contact with your first child(ren) and include them in your family life then you’re not abandoning them. What are other people’s views? Obviously it’s not just men as the same can be said for women who have more children too

Three adults, possibly four, possibly more, all having little control over one another, have to negotiate a stressful arrangement optimally over a period of many years in order to not damage your children. It almost always doesn't work. I would call this borrowing trouble.

The same is true of having children and then separating in the first place, or ever going on to date. You have no control in those scenarios either. It doesn't start and end with having more children. Realistically the decision made that "damaged the children" was when they decided to leave in the first place, which nobody is condemning.

Should all parents who separate stay celibate and alone for the rest of their lives? Some might say so, to punish them for the decision to leave, but personally I don't see why you should give up everything else you wanted in your life going forward, in the hope that it creates the illusion that yes you might have left but it's ok and not damaging because your child is still the single and only thing of importance to you in your life. Unless you stay under the same roof as the other parent, the damaging thing has already been done and you will never live with that child full time. Whether or not you go on to find love or have more children won't change that.

Kidding yourself that this decision is only selfish if you go on to have more children is naive. The truth is anyone that has had a child and separated has already put their needs above their child's, and rightly so, because it's not up to a child to dictate who an adult should be in a romantic relationship with, just as it's not up to a child to decide if said adult goes on to have more children providing they continue to care for them as well.

Everyone here that has separated when they have children has already put themselves first, and have justified it to themselves, yet are unable to see that choosing to have more children is no more selfish than that.

@aSofaNearYou

Because the way I see it, I've already caused some upheaval to DS by getting divorced, so why would I want to add even more to his life?

You don't have to stay celibate. I haven't. You don't need a relationship for that. I've been on casual dates, when DS is at his dad's. I just don't intend on moving a man in, having more children and making DS play happy families with a new father figure.

Surely the formation of a new or blended family is so complex you can't make blanket statements. The personalities involved and the strength of the relationships of all involved will greatly impact the outcome. A woman who leaves a crap marriage and runs into the arms of another horrid awful man and immediately gets pregnant again is far different than a woman who amicably divorces, has a working co-parenting relationship and then remarries/has another child. Equally a man who flounces off without a look backwards into the arms of the OW is very different than a man with a reasonable contact arrangement who provides for his existing children both financially and emotionally. It's just not apples to apples.

Waxonwaxoff0 and that's fine if it's what you want and it works for you, but I think it's a bit rich of people to take the approach that having more children is the only selfish or damaging thing, when excluding the cases where the parent goes on to stop caring for or about their older child due to having another (which is not standard), it's very obvious that the most selfish and damaging decision was the one to separate. That was the decision that resulted in actual, real life implications to how much they saw the child and had input into their lives, rather than just wishy washy misinterpretations like "they had another child so they must not love the first", which are clearly untrue and any decent parent would put the time into explaining that to the oldest child, like they would in a nuclear family. There is no reason that having half siblings would mean a parent would care for the older one any less. There ARE reasons why separating would mean you won't see the child as much.

All feels very hypocritical.

He should keep his home life private and not discuss this any more

Well, yes, it is selfish to separate in the first place. This can be good, and it can be bad.

In any long and successful marriage people deal with a lot of shit that tests their resolve. There's abuse and infidelity and the like and no one should stick around for that, but other than that, it's all a grey zone. Divorce that comes out of the grey zone is not great - if you can get through the early years and young kids, it mellows out and gets easier.

I'm a product of divorce and they hated each other and I was very happy when they split. I understand it can be the best of a bad situation.

Entropy

I am far from saying that separating is too selfish and therefore we shouldn't do it, I am saying that sometimes being selfish whilst making big decisions about our own lives is normal, and almost everyone here that is separated has done it - so it's a bit rich to then turn around and say anyone that puts their own desire to have another child above a child's desire for them to not do so is unacceptable, given that it was fine to be selfish when you chose to separate.

The decision to have another child is as much not about the child's wishes as the decision to separate is, both will affect them, but both are decisions we all make for ourselves.

I don’t think it’s actually selfish to end a relationship, if it improves the atmosphere in the children’s home. Parents in toxic and unhappy relationships do their children no favours by staying together.

I also think it’s case by case basis whether having another baby would be a good/bad idea or not. You can’t just say in every blended family it will be awful. Whoever thinks that needs to get a grip.

Agreed @funinthesun19, but the people saying having another child is selfish and invariably awful are usually also the same people saying having separated parents is invariably a damaging hardship for the child, so by that token I see them both as an equally self motivated decision that may ot may not lead to negative repercussions for the child depending on the case in question.

I'm 39 and have two children from my first marriage (ex was/is an abusive controller who was awarded 50:50 by the courts five years ago when they were just 3 and 6). It's left me feeling like a shit mum and it still hurts like mad now they're 12 and 9.

15 weeks' pregnant with my third child, it is my fiancé's first. All happy except ex who has gone MAD at me and will be taking me back to court again now!!