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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

208 replies

LuckySeventhWave · 05/12/2019 00:45

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
pollymere · 06/12/2019 17:31

Similar situation...luckily I've found an important event that's on the same night...

These events really aren't fun for everyone. They are good for team building but there are other opportunities. Find yourself an important prior engagement.

ahmadsmom2015 · 06/12/2019 17:40

I started a job in October a few years back. Had probation for 6 months. I didn’t go to mine and still never do. Don’t think it should matter. Just say unfortunately I don’t have a babysitter unfortunately. Don’t feel apologetic. It’s your day off!

HandFinisher · 06/12/2019 17:41

Personally I’d say go, most companies I’ve worked for that have a Christmas meal really frown upon non-attendees... especially as you are new and older than the existing staff... it could be viewed badly and that you have no interest in being part of the team.

I guess it depends on how badly you want to keep the job.

Abc234 · 06/12/2019 17:47

You'll probably have a great time go and enjoy .

Jeeperscreepers69 · 06/12/2019 17:51

If you dont wanna go dont go. Just say no im not coming im out that night ive got plans already. Googled it??

RonMexico · 06/12/2019 18:02

Just don't go if you don't want to. I've been with my company for nearly 10 years and have never attended the Christmas meal/party. I'm still a team player at work, I just don't want to go out to celebrate Christmas with them. I don't think anyone really gives a shit if I'm there or not to be honest.

FelicisNox · 06/12/2019 18:10

YABU re: children's bed time: you do that every day and 1 night won't harm anyone, it also would do you good to get out once in a while and Christmas is only once a year.

YANBU to not want to go re: not socialising with colleagues. It's not for everyone.

Just make a big show of being flattered to have been asked but "you already have a family engagement on that date but thanks for thinking of me etc etc..."

Sb74 · 06/12/2019 18:19

You really should make an appearance at the do. The point is that you get to know each other at the event. You don’t have to stay late but it is important that you go. You won’t do yourself any favours not going. I wouldn’t listen to those saying otherwise.

Happyspud · 06/12/2019 18:23

Go if you can. Honestly unless the people you work with are nasty it does show a bad attitude towards the people you will spend as much time with as your family (unless you genuinely can’t attend, that’s fine of course). These sessions are an opportunity.,

Sb74 · 06/12/2019 18:27

I’ve read you say they let go of people after Christmas. They are much more likely to let go of those that don’t fit into their culture and team. If you make an effort to bond a bit with the boss and staff that will put you in a good position. They probably get rid of those that don’t fit in.

lindsayincroydon · 06/12/2019 18:37

Hi, I always blame hubby for everything I don't want to do at work.

I just say that it is also his Christmas Dinner, and that we have paid a lot to attend so thanks, I am SO sorry, but it isn't possible to go to my company's meal.

This works fabulously for every boring event I am expected to attend.

And hubby blames me in the same way. We end up in front of the telly with the kids and a takeaway, and enjoy a nice evening together.
Good luck !

safariboot · 06/12/2019 18:42

I’ve no doubt that whether I attend a Christmas meal or not it won’t make a difference to my job security.

I was going to say this myself. Maybe I'm being cynical, but I expect the company has already decided whether or not to dismiss you after Christmas, and the party won't make a difference to that.

The Christmas meals at my work are well-attended and popular, which I put that down to a few things. One, the company pays. Two, there's no alcohol. Three, the restaurant we use is reasonably well located for most staff. And four, there's no stupid "teambuilding" shoehorned in.

Aridane · 06/12/2019 18:45

I would rather spend time with DH than go to work do's but even if he were not around I would honestly rather just be on my own with my dogs

So would I (well obviously not with your DH!) - but sometimes you just have to suck it up and go to these work things). At least go to the first one while you are in your probationary period - then bunk off the others

Aridane · 06/12/2019 18:47

I’ve no doubt that whether I attend a Christmas meal or not it won’t make a difference to my job security

Probably not in itself unless essentially seen as being symptomatic of not being a ‘team player’...

NannyOggsStripedSocks · 06/12/2019 18:51

I think you should go, these kinds of events are where you can really bond with your colleagues, it could be a lot of fun. If you don't go, they could think you are being stand-offish.

yy558 · 06/12/2019 18:51

Don't go. It won't harm your job, unless you already see that they're cliquey. In which case., I'd probably stay away more and not associate myself with them

lynsey91 · 06/12/2019 18:51

I can't believe that some companies frown upon staff not attending the bloody Christmas do. That's just pathetic.

Some people don't like things like that and why should they go if they don't want to?

ToftyAC · 06/12/2019 18:53

One job I did for 3 years and never went to one of the do’s. They were all in my own time so I always cited childcare issues.

ElizabethMainwaring · 06/12/2019 18:57

No. If you don't want to go, don't go. I am a hermit after work hours. It's never harmed me. Work hard when you're there and do whatever you want when you are not there

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 06/12/2019 19:11

As an ex manager in a large organisation, I also hated these do's and certainly wouldn't think negatively of any of my staff who chose not to attend. I don't drink alcohol and it used to cause me considerable embarrassment watching other dept. Heads lose control and get pissed.
It's so unprofessional and their drunken antics stay in the back of your mind forever. Hmm

As it's your first year and you don't really know who all the players are, could you attend the meal and leave fairly early? It could be a useful learning opportunity to understand the relationship dynamics between certain members of staff, particularly if you're planning to stay with the company for a while. Definitely stay sober!

DogCatHat · 06/12/2019 19:46

I wouldn't go if it's going to cause you stress - a prior commitment is an easy excuse, something like a friend's 40th/hen do/retirement or something.

But think about how you can demonstrate that you're a team player while you're in work. Take in a cake that you made at the weekend, bring in a box of Roses that you "won" at the hen do, whatever. Try to chat to people when you have the opportunity, and show interest in what's going on in people's lives.

Presumably when they decide who to keep on, its fundamentally going to be the people who are best at the job, isn't it? So work hard, be nice to people, and lie through your teeth to get out of the dinner.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 06/12/2019 19:56

Read your update OP 👍

I hate the pressure to attend these things. It should be fine to refuse, it shouldn't be necessary to 'show willing'. It's not part of the job. It's just one of those things where people that enjoy it just can't understand not everyone does.

Jack80 · 06/12/2019 20:05

I would say you have a prior commitment, I didn't go to our one when I worked in retail I didn't like most of the staff

Devora13 · 06/12/2019 20:19

Do they have a work/life balance policy? If so, hold it up as your shield.

manicmij · 06/12/2019 20:46

You have something else on thats why you can't go. Or how would it be if you left early as need to get back for babysitter.

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