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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

208 replies

LuckySeventhWave · 05/12/2019 00:45

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 05/12/2019 05:39

I've not been to our work Christmas party in the 19 years I've worked there

Juliette20 · 05/12/2019 05:45

I like going to work Christmas lunches because I actually like spending time with my colleagues.

If it's your day off though and it's going to be a real arse to juggle things get there then don't go. If you bend over backwards to accommodate work stuff in the early days you may be setting your stall out to end up doing all sorts of things you don't want to do.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2019 05:48

As it's very important to them, and you need the job, , I'd suck it up this time and go.

orangeteal · 05/12/2019 05:55

Considering you say you don't know them well, I would go. I went to mine yesterday after 4 months and I feel like I know people so much better now. But I wouldn't go if I really didn't want to.

nanny3 · 05/12/2019 06:01

go eat then excuse yourself

DeathByPicolax · 05/12/2019 06:02

fake inpromptu migraines Grin Grin

So common if someone gets a proper ripsnorting migrane people still think they are home with a glass of red and netflix.

ElluesPichulobu · 05/12/2019 06:15

work social events outside of working hours are completely optional and it is fine to skip them. I've only ever worked for organisations that schedule the Christmas "Do" during office hours and the phones all just get diverted to voicemail for an afternoon.

DH's employers have a habit of scheduling their do for his day off and he generally doesn't go.

they can be beneficial especially if you are normally a bit reclusive as they create a "liminal" environment where the normal rules (within reason) don't apply. dancing to a terrible ABBA song with colleagues can help to oil the wheels when you need to ask a favour to get something complicated sorted at work. don't know why but people generally feel better disposed to being kind and helpful to people they have eaten, drunk and boogied with.

Lucked · 05/12/2019 06:19

I don’t think it will be a problem as other people will have prior commitments so you won’t be the only one not there.

On the other hand it would be an opportunity to actually meet and socialise with other staff.

Mummadeeze · 05/12/2019 06:23

I had a team night out planned in after three months in the job and didn’t want to go. I have to pay £60 for a sitter and was feeling quite negative about it bearing in mind I would rather be going out with friends having to spend that kind of money. BUT, it massively helped me settle in and I really gelled with another girl on the night who despite being much younger than me has now become a work buddy. My Senior boss seemed to like me a bit more after going out too which is definitely a good thing. I would try and talk yourself into it if you can.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 05/12/2019 06:24

Honestly? If your company is big on this team stuff, which it sounds like they are, I think you have to suck it up and go, especially as you're new. Try and think of it as an opportunity to get to know your colleagues better. You don't have to stay late but turning up will get you brownie points with your bosses! Unfortunately in a lot of workplaces never going to team events will have you written off as stuck-up or a snob (sadly speaking from personal experience here) so I'd make the effort this time.

Marinetta · 05/12/2019 06:32

As I student I started working in retail as a xmas temp but knew they were going to keep two of the temps permanently after xmas and I desperately needed a job so was doing my best to look good but I didn't go to the xmas meal. I didn't really know anyone after only a few weeks and wpuld have felt really awkward being there but I also felt awkward saying I wasn't going. But no one really cared that I wasn't there and they gave me a permanent job after xmas so don't really think it was frowned upon that I didn't go to the party.

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/12/2019 06:33

You are actually staff, so I would go to the staff Christmas do.

I've just politely declined to go to my new team's lunch - difference is that I haven't actually joined the team yet! And I did genuinely have a prior engagement.

redcarbluecar · 05/12/2019 06:33

Don’t pretend to be ill or say that one of your children is ill. You don’t need dishonest excuses to get out of something optional, and it’s going to seem odd if an ‘illness’ pops up every time there’s a work social event. It might also reduce your credibility if you or a child actually are ill at some stage.
I’m a little bit in the camp of ‘just go for a bit’ as you might start to break the ice with some colleagues. However, can also understand your reservations, so if you don’t want to go just say you’re very sorry, you can’t make it and hope everyone has a great time.

DeathByPicolax · 05/12/2019 06:34

Go. For your future you have to. You can fade into the background like a grey rock.

This is coming from someone that would ideally live under a flagstone. In a disused cemetary. On a remote Scottish island. On a remote no longer inhabited Scottish island.

user1493413286 · 05/12/2019 06:36

You don’t have to go but when I started a new job I found that attending the Christmas meal 2 weeks in really helped me get to know people. I think as it well it signals to people whether you do want to make friends or not; there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to make friends at work but if you do then it’s worth thinking about going

Onesnowballshort · 05/12/2019 06:36

They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live
Saying this makes me think you are unreasonable. It is highly doubtful a bunch of student aged people ALL have work as the no.1 priority in their lives. If you think having children makes you approach work differently then you already might seem like "not a good fit" to management. And you know where that leads. I would not be so quick to write off an opportunity to make new friends either. Having peopke you are friendly with at your work makes life a lot easier.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 05/12/2019 06:36

I would try to go. You want to stay in the job. It’s better if you know people from your work and get on ok with them. Go for a few hours, make polite chat and leave.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 05/12/2019 06:36

You've got kids so have an abundance not ready Made excuses to not go. 💁🏻‍♀️

JapaneseBirdPainting · 05/12/2019 06:37

My first reaction is that it is on your time and on your dime, so don't go.

BUT..... if NOT going means you are anxious about it and worrying for way longer than neccessary about how it might affect you at work, then I would just try and go.

I took that attitude last year when I was in a similar position. I decided it would stress me out MORE to not go because of my worries so went with the least worst option.

PrincessBattercup · 05/12/2019 06:37

I'm new in my role (end October) and I'm not going to mine, but I live a 40 mile drive away and I'm on annual leave that day as my DS finishes school for Christmas that day. Can't afford to get a hotel and given the hour long drive to get there and then back again, and having to work the next day I have politely declined and my manager/colleagues are fine with it.

However, I've been building up good relationships with my team and others in the time I've been there as it's important to my role to be visible and approachable. If I hadn't, I'd be going to the party to get to know the team better.

That said, it is optional and if you feel strongly about it, don't go.

missfliss · 05/12/2019 06:39

I would go. I'd probably hate every second but I would go.

It does send a signal that you are seeing your future there and willing to invest a bit personally in the company.

Sorry not what you wanted to hear

Xiaoxiong · 05/12/2019 06:40

I am in a similar position - new job of a couple of months - and I have plane tickets bought months ago on the morning of the works Christmas do. I'm gutted because I really want to go, but when I declined the invitation and told them I had a prior engagement they completely understood because I had booked the tickets before I even accepted the job.

This year just say you have plans made before you started your new job. This won't work next year, but by then you'll know the people and the dynamics better and get a feel for whether it's the kind of event you can skip without causing ructions.

OrangeCinnamon · 05/12/2019 06:41

What horrible shitty companiesthey must be if they bitch and look down on staff who don't attend these events. If they were that bothered they'd pay for all costs. I suspect it is just overexcited management with nothing better to do.

coconuttelegraph · 05/12/2019 06:49

There's no rule about this, it depends on the individual employer and no one here can tell you what effect, if any, it will have on your prospects at your job

I don't think your anxiety is going to be helped by half a bunch of people saying it doesn't matter and the other half saying you should go, how will that help you decide?

Even if it was 1 person against everyone else that person could be right for your company.

coconuttelegraph · 05/12/2019 06:50

I suspect it is just overexcited management with nothing better to do

I've had many jobs and I can say for sure that the Christmas events have never been organised by management overexicted or otherwise Grin

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