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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

208 replies

LuckySeventhWave · 05/12/2019 00:45

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
UnderHisEyeBall · 05/12/2019 07:54

@GiveHerHellFromUs Jeez thanks for that. They asked me how to spell his name within an hour of arriving on my first day so he could be added to the restaurant booking, and asked for his menu order.

I think the point I was trying to make was this wasn't the most reasonable of places to work…

NewName73 · 05/12/2019 07:56

It won't matter if you don't go.

But if you do go, you will probably find you enjoy the evening more than you expect to and it will help you interact with your colleagues going forwards.

So I would make the effort, if I were you.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 07:56

What you do in your own time is up to you. If an employer really wants you to attend, it will be financed, and in work hours.

Otherwise, why should you go?

It would have been very, very frowned upon to do anything else at pretty much every place I have worked even if it wasn't fully financed? Well you've worked at a lot of CF employers then.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 07:58

But if you do go, you will probably find you enjoy the evening more than you expect to and it will help you interact with your colleagues going forwards

Or the opposite, if you have social anxiety and then spend weeks worrying about everything you said on he night out. You don't even have to get drunk to say silly things (or to worry that you might have said silly things).

Anyone heard the adage "it's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"?

misspiggy19 · 05/12/2019 08:05

They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

^How did you come to this conclusion if you don’t even know them? You sound like you think you are better than them.

You obviously don’t want to go so just don’t go.

KatherineJaneway · 05/12/2019 08:05

I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

I get that but also consider what you might gain before you decide. It helps to have a good relationship with colleagues for times when you want to swap days off or cover different shifts etc. If they know and like you and feel you are part of the team, they are more likely to be flexible.

However if that doesn't apply in your case, just say you have a long standing event on that day you can't get out of and are really annoyed you have to miss the Christmas meal.

yearinyearout · 05/12/2019 08:10

Has anyone actually not attended one of these Xmas do’s as a new employee, and then felt a subtle shift in attitude towards you during your probation period because you didn’t go?

To be honest I think you're overthinking this. If it's a much younger team they will be more concerned about having fun themselves rather than getting offended about you not going. Just say you can't make it because of childcare and wish them a lovely evening. If you want to increase your popularity why not take in a big tub of chocolates for the staff room or something.

Sparklybaublefest · 05/12/2019 08:10

The last work event I went to, i spent the whole evening dancing, so i didnt have to sit and make small talk, Consequently they all think I love to dance! But am not necessarily good at it Grin

PineappleDanish · 05/12/2019 08:11

Of course you don't "have" to go, nobody is going to frogmarch you there with your arm twisted up your back.

But as a new employee, it doesn't hurt to show willing. Turn up, have a meal, make some polite conversation, go home. It's the expected thing to do.

ShatnersWig · 05/12/2019 08:11

When I worked in the corporate field I never ever went to anything that was out of working hours. A Xmas lunch, yes, something after work no. People used to say "oooh, you won't get on in the company if you don't attend these sorts of things". They even used to do a big dinner dance at a posh hotel every year (usually about 150-200 miles away) and include a night's stay, coaches laid on. Never went and I got the "oooh, that;ll be frowned upon, you'll never get promotions if you don't attend these sorts of things".

I was the youngest assistant manager in the entire national company (some 12,000 staff) within 4 years at the age of 24. Without a degree.

It's bollocks. If you don't want to go, you don't go - work do not own you outside of working hours.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 08:12

If I liked the job and wanted to keep it, and possibly smooth my way while I was there, I would definitely go.

codenameduchess · 05/12/2019 08:12

I've been at my job for nearly 4 years and don't attend anything like that, definitely wouldn't being new to the job. I'd just say I had plans already so couldn't make it.

I don't even go to the funded things from work, not a chance will I spent my own time and money. It hasn't hurt my work relationships, I'm good enough at being friendly in work to keep them going.

Charmlight · 05/12/2019 08:14

Don’t overthink it. Prior engagement. The key thing here is that it sounds as though they’re mainly a different demographic to you - ie no childcare responsibilities.
No one will notice or care whether you go or not. If you do your job well, you will progress. If you want to.

Charmlight · 05/12/2019 08:16

As PPs have said, there are other ways of showing commitment to the job / team - being friendly, helpful, taking edibles in etc.

msmith501 · 05/12/2019 08:19

In my experience, no one remembers who went and who didn't and most people couldn't care less if they tried. I suspect many who do go hate it as much as you would. I wouldn't over-think it personally.

UnderHisEyeBall · 05/12/2019 08:20

Well you've worked at a lot of CF employers then.

Wow, the BLAME in this thread Hmm

If you have honestly only worked for employers who wouldn't have had something to say about you skipping the Christmas do in your probation period, then you are fucking lucky. Have some empathy for God's sake, rather than calling people doing what they have to do to earn a living, mugs.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 08:21

@UnderHisEyeBall you say that they were unreasonable but your post would suggest that, put in that position again, you'd still just accept it.

If it does ever happen again try: "I'll have to check whether DH is available that night." Or "oh I doubt he'd want to come" or "actually that night doesn't suit me unfortunately".

It doesn't matter whether you've been there a week or a decade - people like that will always try to pressure you.

Ellie56 · 05/12/2019 08:21

@thebadcop this sounds to me like discrimination by association and is unlawful.Call your employers out on it.

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/work-and-career/other-rights-at-work/discrimination-under-the-equality-act-2010

BandAid · 05/12/2019 08:22

the new starter in my team came to our xmas do last night. I was pleased he came, very pleased and I have to say it did make me think better of him in terms of the way he is gelling with the rest of the team and the fact that he showed willing. He's also in his probation period.

if you like the job I'd go. If being part of the team is important to them and you like it there, why wouldn't you go.

I don't think I'd think worse of you for not going but I'd think better of you if you came if you see what I mean

UnderHisEyeBall · 05/12/2019 08:24

@GiveHerHellFromUs I am now self-employed. Partly to avoid this and other shit. But your suggestion that people doing things they don't want to do at work is purely to do with poor boundaries is plain nasty and incredibly privileged.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 08:28

No one will notice or care whether you go or not

Erm, they will!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 08:29

@UnderHisEyeBall I genuinely don't understand how you feel that it's nasty or privileged in any way.

It absolutely is poor boundaries.
Look how many posters on this thread feel like they have to go.
They don't. They could just say "no I don't fancy it this year."
Your situation is worse because you couldn't even stand up for your husband who had absolutely nothing to do with the company.

I, myself, have been in situations where I've felt pressured to attend, when I was young and naive with no boundaries...

GOODCAT · 05/12/2019 08:32

I spent years getting out of these things but now do go and appreciate the importance of it.

It matters that people go and join in and you can find that it is factored in with promotions and pay rises.

It may only be a small thing but from a manager's point of view if you need to distinguish between two people and they are otherwise equal you will take the person who can be depended upon to join in these things. If you are thinking in the round about pay rises it is a factor against rather than for. It may make no difference, but it can.

We have someone new at work who refused to join in at first. This is a professional role where internal and external socialising is needed so he has had it gently pointed out that it is part of the role. He now does turn up and everyone likes him better for it. No doubt he still finds it hard.

I still find these things difficult but make myself do it as much as possible. I also enjoy both work and work socials more as a result.

I get that your role is not the same but you won't regret doing it.

QueSera · 05/12/2019 08:34

I think you should go. You say you don't know them - well how will you get to know them if you don't go to events like this. As a new employee, going would show that you are committed and enthusiastic.

Littlebean0506 · 05/12/2019 08:42

I hardly ever go to any out of work activities like the Christmas meal etc, that's mainly because I work long hours (to me) 7.30-5.30 or 8.00-6.00 with a 30 minute lunch break so at the end of the day I want to go home to my partner and relax not spend anymore time with the people I spend all week with. I don't feel bad and tell them I prefer to keep my work and home life separate. Last year i had people asking why I wasn't going and that I really should go because it'll be fun and everyone will get drunk and have a great laugh (I was 16 weeks pregnant which they didn't know) but if you don't want to go they really can't make you it's not mandatory.

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