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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

208 replies

LuckySeventhWave · 05/12/2019 00:45

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 05/12/2019 08:45

Easy enough, surely, to say, 'Sorry, I won't be able to get a babysitter, but I hope you all have a lovely time' and leave it at that.

MT2017 · 05/12/2019 08:48

Go, eat Christmas dinner, leave at first opportunity (ie as soon as managers leave).

You might enjoy it more than you think.

BrokenWing · 05/12/2019 08:50

You obviously don't want to go as 'missing the kids bedtime' is clutching at straws for an excuse, if you are keen on the job and getting to know your new team is hard in working hours this is a perfect opportunity.

I, wouldn't want to go, but would probably enjoy once I got there, I would make the effort to talk to and get to know my new team, have a couple of drinks, switch the phone off (dont be distracted by checking at home kids are in bed, leave/trust your dp to get on with it).

It's one night/a few hours and will benefit you, especially during probation.

If you fail your probation because you 'were not a good fit with the team', will you regret not going?

IdblowJonSnow · 05/12/2019 09:07

Dont go but have a very good reason. And practice your lie! Ha ha.
Also what pp said about taking some mince pies or something in nearer the time.

Fr0g · 05/12/2019 09:10

Personally I'd go - good opportunity to get to know your colleagues better.
the "silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’" is probably just an attempt to get everyone chatting at the meal, and give a focus so that no-one is left sitting on their own trying to make conversation or feeling left out, rather than a serious attempt at team building.

Once had to assist with putting together something similar as part of senior mangement team - i thought it was excruciating, but most people really enjoyed it.
Over ten years later, someone that worked for me at the time still proudly has their "kindest employee" award featuring on their Linked In profile.

But if you really don't want to go - don't.
I've been in my current job a few weeks, I am going to the Christmas evening meal (even though it's my day off AND election day), but a colleague who started just after I did isn't - and no one seems that bothered.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 05/12/2019 09:11

It's once a year - would it really kill you to attend? Appreciate you don't want to socialise with them all the time but it seems like it's important to this particular team that there is some kind of socialising going on, even if it's only at Christmas. You said you don't know them and vice versa, but how will you get to know them if you don't spend any time with them?

I'm also older than most of my time and face the same challenges but it does help getting to know people on a personal level. None of them think of me as an 'oldie' and we get along fine. Go - you never know, you might have a good time.

dottiedodah · 05/12/2019 09:35

I would try to go if you can .I have been in a similar position and felt nervous .Obviously dont get drunk! but a glass of wine will help you relax ,Many people are completely different outside of work as well ,so you may find you enjoy it! If you dont go then you may not feel as much a part of the team , and if you like the job and want to stay this is all a part of it I think! Its only one evening, and at Christmas you can relax with your family and think phew I am proud of myself for going and it wasnt as bad as I thought!

Kanga83 · 05/12/2019 09:37

I've never been to a Christmas do outside of work hours and never intend on it either. Give me an hour or an hour and a half for my own team to have a pub lunch and that's me done.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2019 09:39

It depends if you want to actually get to know your colleagues, but it sounds as if your attitude is just 'turn up, get paid, go home.' Which is fine, but yes, could hamper your relations with your 'team' (if you have one).

I've been to one on the 2nd day of a new job; knew nobody, also couldn't drink as driving. They were all sloshed. But it's still noted (4 years later) that I made the effort...

Span1elsRock · 05/12/2019 09:39

I think you need to go.

You need only stay for the meal if you're worried, and you may really enjoy it. There will be at least half a dozen others feeling just as you do, if not more.

We have a small party next week, and every employee is coming. I'd think a lot less of anyone who couldn't make an effort for one evening of the year. We've booked it for 6pm as we know some don't enjoy eating late, and there is the option to go home by 8.30 for those who want to......... the rest will be in the pub until closing time.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/12/2019 09:43

I think you need to go too. I'd probably hate every second, but it shows willing and commitment and that seems to be important to the team that you've joined. It's probably also the easiest one to go to, as everyone will be aware that you are new so will want to make you feel comfortable.

If you miss this one on the excuse that you've already got prior engagements, I think you'll have to go to the next one, which may well be harder because you'll be expected to be 'embedded' then.

There are always people and jobs who manage to skirt this type of thing, but it sounds like it's important for your team, and it could have an impact on your probation/prospects if you're not seen to be integrating into the team.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/12/2019 09:45

It matters that people go and join in and you can find that it is factored in with promotions and pay rises

And is therefore a part of the structural discrimination against women and others with family responsibilities in the workplace. It implicitly supports pay and progression based on croneyism and sexism.

There is a world of difference between going out with colleagues because you like them or want to get to know them a bit better and having to go to enforced "jollies" for fear of discrimination.

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 09:48

Just say one of your kids has a school event you have to go to.

That's an excuse you can wheel out for a few years, too, depending on how old your kids are.

Just remember the next day what event it was supposed to be :)

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 09:49

It matters that people go and join in and you can find that it is factored in with promotions and pay rises

Does this seriously still happen in well run organisations?

goodwinter · 05/12/2019 09:49

I can only speak for myself, but - I am also very new in my role (almost 2 months in) and struggle with social anxiety. Most of my team are based in different offices so I'd never even met them F2F.

I travelled down to the main office on Tuesday for a team meeting and then the Xmas meal/night out - of course I was stressing about it, but I ended up having a great time, and once I'd had about 2 beers, I was happily chatting away to anyone and everyone with a confidence I definitely wouldn't have had if I was sober.

It's a great opportunity to get to know people with a little bit of Dutch courage, if that works for you, and then you feel much more "part of the team" afterwards.

I would really encourage you to go if you want to stay long-term.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 05/12/2019 09:49

And is therefore a part of the structural discrimination against women and others with family responsibilities in the workplace. It implicitly supports pay and progression based on croneyism and sexism.

I'm sorry but this is utter bullshit. I'm sure the men are all expected to go as well. Doesn't a child have two parents? (Unless I missed in your post that you're a single parent and the father is not around). Expecting staff to be remotely sociable and a team player is not sexism, it's just expecting people to fit into the team in which they're working.

goodwinter · 05/12/2019 09:52

they can be beneficial especially if you are normally a bit reclusive as they create a "liminal" environment where the normal rules (within reason) don't apply. dancing to a terrible ABBA song with colleagues can help to oil the wheels when you need to ask a favour to get something complicated sorted at work. don't know why but people generally feel better disposed to being kind and helpful to people they have eaten, drunk and boogied with

This is a huge factor and a very important point.

Torchlightt · 05/12/2019 09:59

I would go. Xmas meal is the biggest staff do of the year ime.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 10:00

Unless you don't intend to stay long term, I think it would be good if you went.
It's true that you don't know those people well, or even most of them, but it's a good opportunity to get to know them better and outside of the work environment.
Ask them questions about themselves. Appear to be interested in their lives, even if you aren't. You may well find out some common ground and start to feel more relaxed and at ease.

Whattodoabout · 05/12/2019 10:14

I had a shit retail job as a student years ago and was also in the probation period when the Christmas party was announced. They wanted a £30 ‘contribution’ and I just refused, that was literally almost a full day’s pay in that job. I was the only one who didn’t go but I really didn’t care.

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 10:18

I haven’t been to a Christmas meal in 10 years. Nobody from the previous jobs who’s meal I didn’t go to will even remember me now!

Coralfish · 05/12/2019 10:24

Agree with PPs that your anxiety may be making you overthink this. Just make up some prior commitment that you can't get out of, but make all the right noises about how totally gutted you are to be missing it.

GoodbyeRosie · 05/12/2019 10:33

Don’t pretend to be ill or say that one of your children is ill. You don’t need dishonest excuses to get out of something optional, and it’s going to seem odd if an ‘illness’ pops up every time there’s a work social event. It might also reduce your credibility if you or a child actually are ill at some stage

Yes, this!

Do not lie..I hate that on MN the first bit of advice is to make up a lie about your children - it's unethical, and as mentioned above - you lose credibility when it does happen.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Absolutely nowhere in anyone's contract does it state you have to attend Christmas meals or nights out in your own time.

If you do work for a retailer that would not extend your probation period because of this, then they are not worth working for.

On another note, I would check with your GP your diagnosis of social anxiety if you can work all day talking to strangers in a retail environment.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/12/2019 10:54

Expecting staff to be remotely sociable and a team player is not sexism, it's just expecting people to fit into the team in which they're working

It is sexism when one sex is disproportionately disadvantaged by the expectation of out of hours networkworking as a requirement for pay and promotion. Are you seriously suggesting that child care and other family responsibilities don't disproportionately fall on women?

This is well documented and fortunately most well run organisations have made significant efforts to reduce its negative impact on diversity.

Interestingly these days it I see it more often amongst lower paid workers where companies are using it as unpaid hours of free team building rather than an occasional 'thank you' for staff efforts through the year.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/12/2019 10:54

Do not lie..I hate that on MN the first bit of advice is to make up a lie about your children - it's unethical, and as mentioned above - you lose credibility when it does happen

And reinforces the notion that women with children can't be relied on.