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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

208 replies

LuckySeventhWave · 05/12/2019 00:45

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

OP posts:
Charmatt · 05/12/2019 10:55

I'm sure it clashes with a school/nursery nativity Wink

stayathomer · 05/12/2019 10:55

What horrible shitty companies they must be if they bitch and look down on staff who don't attend these events.

I'm sure they don't though. Ok you can not go but there's more advantages to going, being seen as someone who bothers, getting to meet people, being recognised in the future. These things are definitely good at team building and I've dreaded every one I've gone to but enjoyed most. It's one night but it can set you up as one of the team more than being in work

mauvaisereputation · 05/12/2019 10:58

Personally I definitely think you should go (unless you are told you are not being kept on after the probation period). You say yourself you don't know the team well, and it will likely be better for your prospects in the organisation and your day to day enjoyment of the job if you do know people a bit better. The fact that you say it's an organisation that emphasises the importance of the team and that they are doing team-building activities suggests that there will be some importance attached to the meal. I think I'd consider it a once-a-year extra professional obligation. Just don't drink and leave as soon as the meal is done, lots of others will too I imagine.

shumway · 05/12/2019 11:01

I've booked a day's annual leave to avoid work christmas lunch.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 05/12/2019 11:04

It is sexism when one sex is disproportionately disadvantaged by the expectation of out of hours networkworking as a requirement for pay and promotion. Are you seriously suggesting that child care and other family responsibilities don't disproportionately fall on women?

This is a very outdated view - it's 2019! And anyway the OP is not suggesting that her partner can't look after the kids, it's just that she doesn't want to miss their bedtime. It's ONE NIGHT!

I'm not saying this should be linked to career/promotion prospects at all, but if you don't make an effort with your team then you're not going to fit in. You spend a lot of your time at work - you might as well try and get on with your colleagues. I honestly can't understand someone who is unwilling to give up one night from their entire year to socialise with their workmates. My team does it on a monthly basis and you don't hear me whinging about it - it's part of the job and that's the world we live in. Unless you want to be seen as a miserable fucker.

kmc1111 · 05/12/2019 11:23

If you thought it was the type of place where it wouldn’t matter in the slightest to anyone then you’d be fine to skip it, but since you say the store is big on the whole team thing I think you should definitely go.

You can skip it in the future once you’re more established, but if this place is big on team building then they will notice that the new person is already avoiding team events. Also if it’s that type of place it’s likely there’ll be some event in the future significantly more unappealing than the Christmas do. Don’t waste your excuse too early.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 11:30

I haven’t been to a Christmas meal in 10 years. Nobody from the previous jobs who’s meal I didn’t go to will even remember me now!

Maybe because you never bonded?

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 11:39

Lweji - in whatever job you are in, you will be soon be forgotten if they make you redundant or you leave. Nobody actually cares or remembers.

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 11:43

I always think that even if you attend every Christmas dinner, that won’t have any bearing if they need to make you redundant. I have a friend who worked as cabin crew at Thomas Cook. She went out of her way doing extra events for them - PR stuff, recruitment and attended social events. The airline went bust and she’s quite bitter that it was all for nothing. She was quite pally with a few work colleagues but now the company is no more she has barely heard from them.

It really is just a job! By all means be friendly and nice at work but they are still work colleagues, not life long friends. Do your job to the required standard but don’t ever feel you owe the organisation anything. They can get rid of you whenever they want.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 05/12/2019 11:46

Thomas cook is a bad example TBH - it went bust!

I can’t make many team nights but I always try to go to the Xmas do and the odd thing. I do think it matters when it comes to being seen as a “team player”.

BlouseAndSkirt · 05/12/2019 11:48
  1. Go if you can, it can be for a short time, smile a lot, laugh at people’s jokes, leave.
  2. If you don’t, do not use childcare as the reason. Whether we like it or not, the message there is ‘someone who will take time off for ill child’ is not what you want in manager’s minds as probation approaches and the busy season ends.

I am a female parent boss. I am a fair and sympathetic family friendly boss. But There is a lot in this thread that sheds light on whether women have careers or ‘a little job’.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 11:48

The thing about "family" is it understands your needs.

If work want to support people, they need to understand that some people can't afford to go out and some people have responsibilities outside of work. I wouldn't go and just say I need to be home for the kids.

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 11:49

Why is that a bad example - many companies cease trading leaving employees with no jobs. No matter how hard you work or how social you are - that doesn’t stop jobs being lost.

I’ve never been told I’m not a team player because I choose not to go to a once a year team Christmas meal.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 11:50

If you don’t, do not use childcare as the reason. Whether we like it or not, the message there is ‘someone who will take time off for ill child’ is not what you want in manager’s minds as probation approaches and the busy season ends.

Not getting pissed at a Christmas meal with people you don't know so that you can deal with real life priorities wouldn't show a sane person that the person is unreliable.

I am a female parent boss. I am a fair and sympathetic family friendly boss. But There is a lot in this thread that sheds light on whether women have careers or ‘a little job’.

urgh

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 11:52

She's an excellent employee, in on time, reliable, conscientious, but fuck it she just keeps avoiding "Team Nandos Night". How can I trust her really? Hmm

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 11:54

BlouseAndSkirt - but most people don’t have careers, they have jobs.

Where I live, most of the roles are minimum wage - care work, retail, hospitality or admin jobs paying under 20k. They aren’t career jobs. They are advertise saying they want “motivated and enthusiastic” people. For minimum wage.

I’m a teacher. I like the people I work with and my little year ones. I resent any extra hours I do though. To me teaching is a job. Not a vocation that I’m called to by God or a career for life. I have no further career ambitions to be a headteacher or anything. It’s a job and I’m sure they would get rid of me and other teachers at the top of the pay scale if they could.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 11:54

in whatever job you are in, you will be soon be forgotten if they make you redundant or you leave

Not always.

Biggobyboo · 05/12/2019 11:56

Lweji - in my experience but yours might be different.

I’ve bumped into people from old jobs and they had no idea who I was. I was their manager too.

Thelnebriati · 05/12/2019 12:00

I'm not saying this should be linked to career/promotion prospects at all, but if you don't make an effort with your team then you're not going to fit in.

But thats exactly what you are suggesting, all the way through the thread. If I dont qattend outside of work it does not mean I am not a team player, stop perpetuating this myth.

Its so frustrating, there are situations outside of work that make attendance impossible for some people; we cant bungee jump for charity, we cant go karting, and we cant go out for a meal. Just accept that and stop it.

lynsey91 · 05/12/2019 12:29

I wouldn't go but would say I already have something arranged for that evening.

In over 40 years of working I probably went to about 8 Christmas meals/ parties and hated all but 1 of them. Work colleagues getting really drunk, flirting with/kissing other colleagues, being expected to join in with silly games (even once being expected to do some kind of party piece such as singing or dancing). Not my scene thank you. I would far rather go for a meal with DH or even just stay home and watch tv.

KatherineJaneway · 05/12/2019 12:40

I’ve never been told I’m not a team player because I choose not to go to a once a year team Christmas meal.

These things are often thought by others or discussed behind the non-attendees backs rather than saying it to their face.

Trewser · 05/12/2019 12:55

I didn't always go but I would have definitely gone if it was a new job.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:00

One of the view voices here saying you should go this team meal, especially as you are still in your probationary period. Do you not want to be seen as a team player?

MintyMabel · 05/12/2019 13:12

I'm in a similar situation. Also, members of staff who have joined in the year are supposed to do a stand up type thing, tell a joke, make a speech, sing a song. Yeah, that's not happening. I'm not going.

GreenishMe · 05/12/2019 13:14

I’ve never been told I’m not a team player because I choose not to go to a once a year team Christmas meal.

These things are often thought by others or discussed behind the non-attendees backs rather than saying it to their face.

......all the more reason to be a non-attendee imo