Brand new employee here. Do I really have to attend staff Xmas meal?

[LuckySeventhWave]

I’m new to the job, probation is 3 months. It will end just as Christmas busy sales close...

Been invited to staff Christmas meal. Small financial contribution requested towards it. We have to fill out silly questions to win awards about who we think is ‘most likely to’ whatever.

If that’s team building it’s not the place for it, at a Christmas staff meal. Better to send us off on go-kart making afternoon.

Anyway, I don’t want to go. I barely know them, they barely know me, the work is so busy that staff don’t have time to chat to eachother between customers, and we don’t get tea breaks.

It’s my day off and would mean missing the kids bedtime to drive to the next town, and not get back til gone 10 probably, then working the next morning (weekend). I won’t be able to drink if I’m driving.

But I googled and read it’s important to attend these things as it shows you’re committed to the team (and this shop is real big on being The Team), it’s an opportunity to know eachother better, and it shows commitment.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work.

How bad would it look if I didn’t go? I could pretend the kids are ill, or I can’t get a babysitter, because I’m the only one with young kids, everyone else is student age apart from manager who has older teens.
They are all live to work whilst I’m work to live.

AIBU not to go?

You can't get out of it every year unfortunately

11 years at my previous place, never went once.

People keep making the point that by going you will prove you belong to the "team".

There is no easier way to prove that you are different to a bunch of students than to actually go to the Christmas night out, not get pissed, not take part in an inadvisable drunken snog with a co worker. Not say something you regret the next morning.

I’m very committed to this job. I like it, and I work hard then I go home. I need the job to feed my family. I don’t want to socialise with work colleagues outside of work

I'm not sure you are if, during your probationary period, you can't go to one dinner. One team building dinner a year doesn't really amount to socialising with colleagues outside work

I’m sure you’re not but this post makes you sound miserable. I’d go it’s a great way to get to know the team and you say they are big on team bonding or being committed. If you don’t go it won’t look terrible but won’t look great either.

Totally agree with PP - if you can't give up one evening a year then you really are miserable. Do any of you not have lives away from your husbands and kids? And who said you have to participate in drunken snogs and flirting? I go out with my team regularly and there is none of that going on. But we all work together better as a team because of it.

Saltyballs the op says she works with all student aged people. Do you?

Every xmas do I have attended with colleagues of that age level most certainly involved all of the above. It was semi entertaining when I was that age myself would rather chew my fingernails off now

And yes, I have a life away from my family, but like most parents I have limited resources to have this time so I spend it with people I actually like

@chocolatesaltyballs22 if your life away from your kids and husband revolves around your colleagues it's you that needs to reassess I think.

It doesn't - I have a varied social life. My point is that I can't understand people who don't want to spend any time away from their families - it's not healthy. I don't see what's wrong with socialising with colleagues. But I guess some people are just weird.

Saltyballs or just have colleagues who aren't much fun to socialise with

chocolatesaltyballs22

maybe some have a social live anyways? maybe ones colleagues aren't people one wants to hang out with? Some people aren't just social butterflies and find such occasions very stressful? I for my part have a disabled child and no family support, i.d. I have zero access to childcare.... there are just so many reasons why some people skip these events. Is it that hard to understand that some have different priorities?

My stance on these things is that as a new employee, you go to these kinds of events. It is about showing willing, getting to know people, letting people find out who you are. After working in a place for a while, then you can opt out. I think that yes, people do look differently at employees who never meet up to social events and yes, they do end up as outsiders. I guess it depends if you are okay with that or not.

I suggest you go for a half measure. Go along for a couple of hours and have some reason why you need to head home early.

I will say it a second time, because the amount of urging on this thread for you to give up your personal time to do something you will not enjoy at best and will upset you at worst.

Don't go. Find a way to bond with your team that you are comfortable with.

Far from team building, going to this meal likely to make you uncomfortable and everyone around you feel awkward rather than bonding with you. It's always obvious who doesn't want to be there at these events. Besides, it's always good to establish boundaries in the workplace, which you can do whilst still being conscientious and going the extra mile when necessary in a professional context.

And anyone calling you "miserable" can, frankly, fuck right off. You don't have to enjoy the things anyone else has decided you should enjoy. You wouldn't let other people choose your clothes or your food so don't let them choose how you spend your own time.

Just decline politely and in good time.

Update

Hi all thanks for replies, opinions pretty much split down the middle it looks like.

The Team is only 10 of us, it’s an outdoors retails company with a terrible employee/management reputation and that’s why I’m of the mindset ‘work to live’ here, because they have form for sacking off new staff after Christmas, so despite actually being a very hard worker and enthusiastic about the job, I’ve no doubt that whether I attend a Christmas meal or not it won’t make a difference to my job security.

They fast promote from shop floor staff to supervisor within 3 months here but the extra responsibility is only 30p an hour more than NMW, plus I’m not interested in that extra responsibility so don’t want promotion. Because if that, not attending a Xmas do really should affect how they ‘perceive’ me. I work hard, make targets, and go the extra (because I actually clean the place properly after shift end unlike many I notice doss out of that).

I’m not really interested in learning the subtleties of colleague’s personalities either to ‘figure out’ who I should avoid for gossip reasons, or who to suck up to to get the good shifts. I’ve already figured that out from working there this short time, and I just put my head down and work, nobody really chats anyway, and if they do it’s about targets and so on.

I’ve had a good think after reading all these replies and because it’s my day off, I don’t want to drive to another town at night time for it, and it’s just a sit down meal at a fast food chain and filling out a silly questionnaire asking ‘who’s most likely to...’ style questions, I don’t really think there’s opportunity or any point to know what colleague A’s favourite colour is, or who colleague B’s all time hero is.

Everyone lives in different towns to eachother anyway so I’m pretty sure none socialise outside of work with eachother, plus the making friends part, well, that was the ideal in a new workplace, but nobody working here except me is actually into ‘outdoors’ stuff! Plus they are quite literally 30 years younger than me.

I’ll make up for it by going with bells on if I’m still here next Christmas!

Just read the posts about me being miserable and not having a life outside of my husband and kids .... you gotta be joking. I applied for a job in an outdoors shop precisely because that’s what I do in my spare time. I’m very happy to lucky natured, I’m not miserable about this Xmas dinner thing, I’m just not wanting to create a bad impression during my probation period, but then again, I have opportunity to make my good impression whilst actually at work. And I do, by working hard, meeting targets and being friendly to colleagues.

Meh. Maybe I’d feel differently if I was 30 years younger, no kids, like the rest of the team.

Good for you Lucky.....now you can relax and enjoy your day off doing what you want :)

Thanks @TheNestedIf good sensible advice I like it!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I don't have to spend every minute with DH but if I am going to socialise with other people I want it to be people I like to spend time with.

An awful lot of the people I have worked with over the years I haven't wanted to spend time outside of work with. Getting drunk, snogging a work colleague (or worse!) when you are both married - not things I would ever do.

Also being forced to play silly games or do some sort of party piece (singing, dancing, telling a joke etc) is not my cup of tea either

I would rather spend time with DH than go to work do's but even if he were not around I would honestly rather just be on my own with my dogs

@LuckySeventhWave Thank you. Very kind, and glad to hear your update.

I'd also say don't go, it's not a working day of yours so entirely reasonable you might have other plans.
I'd suggest do a bit of Christmas baking and bringing it in will team build in a far easier way.

I was about to post that it's really important in a work environment to be a team player etc....but TBH if it's a minimum wage job and they actually expect you to make a contribution that is incredibly cheeky.

I would make all the right noises "I'd love to come", "I can't believe I won't be there" , "You'll have lots of fun without me" . But, you have something that you can't get out of.

Maybe don't bother of that's really how you feel. I have social anxiety myself which I'm very slowly tackling. If you want to tackle the social anxiety or build relationships with colleagues then I'd have different advice.

But I guess some people are just weird.

Yeah like adults who like going out on the piss with teenagers!

I’m one that said “go” but after reading how they pay and treat staff in your update, I wouldn’t go either!