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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

247 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:08

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 04/12/2019 12:10

Yanbu

Not sure about the contact centre - there must be a better option - but he can’t have his cake and eat it.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 04/12/2019 12:10

Contact centre is completely the wrong choice assuming no violence involved. Regular contact at his house best

blackteasplease · 04/12/2019 12:10

Why can’t he have them at the house he’s renting for specific periods?

MrsSpenserGregson · 04/12/2019 12:10

YANBU. Put yourself first for the next few weeks. Talk it through with the solicitor and find out what the options are. Your twins won't suffer for not seeing their dad in their home for the next few weeks while you establish new boundaries and routines etc Flowers

Sexnotgender · 04/12/2019 12:12

YANBU. He doesn’t get to dictate terms. He can see them at his new house.

Winterdaysarehere · 04/12/2019 12:12

He needs to get his house dc proof and have them there...
He cannot insist on his own way on this.

Vulpine · 04/12/2019 12:12

Wow a man leaves a woman with 15 month old twins. What a hero

TeenPlusTwenties · 04/12/2019 12:13

Surely he just needs to take them out to his house for the day / an afternoon / evening meal?
Don't see why he'd need a contact centre unless there is more back story?

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:13

I don’t know about contact centre...it was just an idea I floated. I don’t really know how such things work!

@blackteasplease It sounds awful but I don’t 100% trust him with them. I’ve caught him asleep on the couch twice in the last week when he was supposed to be watching them. I’m scared it might happen when I’m not around and they end up getting hurt.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 04/12/2019 12:14

You are right. Start now with clear boundaries. DC go to his at set times. Start now and dc will easily get used to this

If he cannot care for them due to his mh discuss with ss the best way eg contact centre.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 12:14

I remember your previous thread and I’m sorry he’s being so shit. He’ll have his own place, he sees them there. If he’s decided to leave you then he has no right to plan to invite himself into your space. Contact centre is wrong and unnecessary, you’ll each have time with the kids in your own homes, not complicated.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:14

There’s not really a massive back story. I’m just anxious about him taking them to his house.

OP posts:
Inebriati · 04/12/2019 12:15

Yanbu, he wants to be a Disney Dad. Let him have his kids at his house so he can't swan out when he feel like it and actually has to do parenting.

It felt vile when I had to have my ex here, I felt like I wanted to have the place exorcised.

Chickychoccyegg · 04/12/2019 12:15

yanbu
he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases from your house, you dont need to let him in, he takes your dc to his house if he wants to spend time with them, him coming in doing dinner/bedtime, then going home will upset and confuse them more long term

aveenos · 04/12/2019 12:16

I would suggest he has the children at regular times at his house!

why does does he want to see them at yours? He is obviously trying to make things easy for himself. Don't take this.

User342109097569098 · 04/12/2019 12:16

If you are concerned about their safety with him then supervised visits are best. Either by you or a trusted relative.. I’m sorry you’re going through this .

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 12:16

YANBU not to want him to come to your house, but a contact centre is for when there has been violence or abuse and thus the parent needs to be supervised by another party. He should take them out or to his own home.

Newernewist · 04/12/2019 12:16

Yeah a contact centre isn't really necessary unless he has a history of DV.
You need to come to an arrangement for access, he sees them at his new house,
The kids will get into a routine, him being at your house will cause them confusion, they need stability.
If he cant see this and come to an agreement it will have to be court ordered.
You need your home to be a safe space for you and your twins, he cant just come and go as he pleases.
He is being very selfish.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:17

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes things definitely haven’t improved since my last threadSad

I just don’t know what to do. I’m worried about him taking them, but the thought of him in my house on an evening currently enrages me.

OP posts:
justmyview · 04/12/2019 12:17

What's best for the children?

It's really tough for all involved, but their needs have to come first. I don't see any need for a contact centre

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 12:19

He an start with short times if his mh is bad.
He wont learn how to care for them unless you hand them over.
Does he have his family who can supervise or be there?
Is his mh diagnosed by gp? Is he in a crisis ? Treated my should not be a barrier ...many parents with my issues look after dc. (Exp had periods where he could not look after himself let alone dc...contact was supervised by family friend or paid person and short eg at a cafe. Also Iinitially af a contact centre but significant mh isdues)

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 12:20

YANBU. He doesn't get to dictate your boundaries. 'You have chosen to leave the family, that doesn't mean you get to pick and choose how you interact with the family when it suits you.'

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 12:21

Don't let him even start with him coming to your house every evening. Once you start, it'll be even harder to stop him.

If you have serious concerns about him being able to keep the children safe, you need to tell your solicitor.

Your house is supposed to be your home, your refuge. And it won't feel like that with him marching in and out every day.

He won't like it, but you have to get a court order in place and stand your ground. His house or not at all. He doesn't get to call all the shots.

mummyway · 04/12/2019 12:21

Speak to your solicitor about your concerns over his parenting. And no, he doesn't get to play house in your home after he has decided to walk out. Any contact he has with the children that he is walking out on should be through a written contract that you have both agreed to. He can't just pick and choose bits of family life and treat you like dirt.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:23

@Inebriati sorry you’ve been through this as well. I can only imagine just how much you wanted to call a priest outSad

@aveenos he only works up the road and wants to come round after work etc. I think he might genuinely think he’s helping if he doesConfused When he mentioned dinner I couldn’t help pointing out he hardly ever gives them their sodding dinner now!

@Newernewist He thinks I’m being the selfish one by objecting.

Thank you for your replies so far. Perhaps I should suggest taking them to his new house to see him? Which will be a pita as I don’t drive (getting lessons) and his new house is 45 minutes on the bus.

My head is honestly done in right nowSad

OP posts: