To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

[noneedtoberudedear]

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

[plumbabe]

Whatever happens OP don’t take everybody’s opinions from here. None of these people are trained professionals in divorce law or social services. They are just giving their opinions. Go see a solicitor. Ring social services and speak to them about his MH and seek advice. Go see your GP and get their advice. Google websites such as gingerbread and rights for women. Rights for women offer free legal advice. At the end of the day you know and will do the best for your family

[Dowser]

Try to sort out arrangements amicably
Sorry I haven’t read full thread
Please try to avoid court at all costs
( I’m not saying you have to let him into your home btw)

[PencilsInSpace]

Yes to getting proper advice. Shelter are good on housing. I do think this is a priority.

[Selmababies]

You're well within your rights not to have him visiting the children at your home. I tried this years ago, and it was stifling and too difficcult to maintain, and the quality of his interaction with DD was very poor indeed.

Firstly, you need to talk to your solicitor about your concerns about his mental health to see what your options are. I can understand your worry about it, and maybe there's a way of getting a professional opinion about the risks, if any, his mental health poses

Is it realistic that he takes the children back to his home 45 minutes away after work? Surely the children will be asleep by the time he arrives at his home. When would they eat? It's also doesn't seem appropriate for you to lug the children to his after work and then have to lug them home again as it'll be too late and they'll be too tired etc.
In your shoes, I'd be tempted to suggest that he collects them after breakfast on Saturday morning and takes them somewhere fairly local such as soft play or the park, gives them lunch and then returns them home to you.
I'd suggest to him that he arranges to move closer to you as soon as possible, so that he can more easily have them after work on a regular basis.
If this doesn't suit him, then he needs to come up with a reasonable plan for contact that is practical and works for the children. Ultimately, he will have to take it through the court if he wants something different to you. No court will force you to have the contact in your home.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Ex wasn't able to care for our children safely either.

At first we met in a cafe for tea so he could see them on neutral ground, and I did supervising.

Later I took them to his house... He got to see them, but I supervised. I ended up cooking a lot as it was best for the children.

He came to the flat while he could behave, but got banned when he was an arse and threatening. He was better on his territory.

I supervised contact out and about, and at his house for several years as he was not safe with them. I gradually pulled back and sat in he garden having a coffee. Once they were old enough to be safe with a little bit of oversight, they went one at a time. Then he learned to have them both together. They now go away to his family and come and go to his house with more choice on their part.

It was fucking hard, but my main aim was to keep the children safe.

I suggest that you meet him out and about at the weekend for a bit until you can establish a bit of separation, ( soft play, park, cafes)

After a bit consider supervising in one home or another.

Has he done much parenting? Had them on his own? Work out what he is capable of, now, work towards him doing more. Eg can he be trusted with them out and about? Is it just falling asleep at home that is the trouble?

What works for one family may not work for another.

Lots of people say he will learn to look after them... Ex was only capable of that when they were older. I had seen enough to know he did not learn and it was fucking dangerous. ( Third floor big window open with climbing toddlers?) Letting go of hands and letting them run off? ( Autistic bolters)

[PencilsInSpace]

You're well within your rights not to have him visiting the children at your home.

As long as he is on the tenancy and there is no court order in place then no she is not within her rights. She literally has no legal right to exclude him from her home at any time, for any reason.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

You don't have to facilitate contact in that way - you can refuse to have him in your home. He has his own house and can make his on arrangements to look after his own children there.

It's as much about drawing boundaries around the end of the relationship really. Also the kids will find it confusing in the long run, and it stops you moving on with your life.

He's come up with this as his ideal solution. You say NO. I'm not stopping you seeing the children but you cannot do so in MY home, because it is MY home and not YOUR home and I don't want you in MY home as we are no longer in a relationship. Let him come up with another suggestion, there's no need to solve the problem for him. Just make it clear that his solution is not an option.

If you genuinely think he is not safe to look after the children on his own because of his MH problems, that's something you need to address through the proper channels.

[Silencedwitness]

Why did he move so far away? Yes you do need to have the kids best interests at heart but so should he. It seems to be a lot of women who end up facilitating useless men. Why aren’t they doing the best for their children? I think you need to find some sort of compromise. Something that works for you (splitting up and then having him in and out when suits is probably very hard) and that he gets to see the kids. I know he’s moved but could you suggest he moves closer? I’d maybe do a park trip or cafe.

[LimpidPools]

I hope I've read all your posts OP. I haven't read all the replies, but am surprised at all the people who are outraged and making it sound as if you plan to make your children suffer just to spite your ex.
I can't see that you plan to do that at all. Although you are completely understandably angry at him.

I think it's perfectly fair that you don't want him coming in and out of your home when it suits him. He is leaving. You need to make it a home that belongs only to you and your children, for their sake as much as yours. His plan sounds confusing for them and distressing for you. It also means you would both continue to argue in front of them. Or at least hiss comments and create a bad atmosphere. I can't imagine you'll get to the civil stage overnight. That's because you're human and this is shit.

Also, him coming to feed them and settle them into bed is just crap. Where's him taking responsibility for them? Would he cook the food? Buy it? Wash the dishes and put them away? Would he make the bed? Wash the bedlinen? Do any of the crappy, mundane stuff that makes up so much of parenting and life?

But the flip side is, I think you have to let him take them into his home. I know you're worried about his falling asleep, but I also question whether he would do that if he wasn't relying on you also being in the house and being the "person most responsible for them" anyway.

But he needs to provide a space for them in his home and in his life. Which is of course what he really hasn't been doing up to now.

[LimpidPools]

it was the first house the HA offered him so he took it. I’m also quitethat he took one so far away.

You might be glad one day though. I really don't think you want him living in your pocket!

[LimpidPools]

I agree very much with Silencedwitness by the way. I also think that solo park or cafe trips might be a good way to start. He can't fall asleep there.

And the fact that he's never really taken them out alone is fairly irrelevant. It's well past time he did. He'll learn what to do. Just like you did.

[Ghostoast]

@noneedtoberudedear just wanted to let you know that we sound very similar. My husband has had a mental health crisis apparently and has been suicidal, always seems to be a good excuse for his shitty behaviour. The crisis team who saw him suggested a social services referral as he wasn't being very risk aware with our toddlers and I found him asleep with lots of hazards around for the children. I ended up giving up my lovely job and career and have become a stay at home mum, I'm still with him but I don't really like him at all anymore he's such a drain but I am worried in case he really is mentally ill... I worry he's just a twat though. Feel free to message me any time, it's so lonely. I am also a twin mum.

[Ghostoast]

Oh and I haven't Read the full thread. But I've seen some people saying he needs to learn.
Absolutely fuck that. I found my husband asleep with an extension cord running across the floor, a hot cup of coffee on the floor next to my children and the baby gate to upstairs unlocked. I won't ever put them at risk like that again and I don't believe people who are so stupid and unaware of risks will learn! It's an unnecessary risk. I spoke with his mental health team and social services and was advised to not let him have sole responsibility for the children while he is "unwell".

[stophuggingme]

@CmdrCressidaDuck yes your points are valid concerning mental health issues not necessarily being an impediment to caring for your children.
The unilateral need for support and adequate safeguarding is paramount however.

There is no way I would leave fifteen month old babies in the care of a man who falls asleep whilst in loco parentis never mind one who hears voices. I would put up one hell of a fight until those assessment and safeguarding processes had been properly discharged and completed.

Wherever possible a child should have meaningful and loving relationships with both parents. Not at the expense of their own well-being and care though.

I read on here on countless occasions how many people would report a parent for this that do the other. Whilst sometimes I think it is excessive when it comes to something like this I absolutely do think children’s services and social services need input.

[stophuggingme]

@Ghostoast I am sorry to hear about your experiences but I just wanted to say that I think you sound an amazing mother and sure one day your children will thank you so much for the sacrifices - both made and ongoing - you have made for them

[flirtygirl]

Op you sound reasonable. Sorry that you have had so many male apologists on your thread nd so many people who did not read the thread properly. You said from the beginning that you want him to be their father but so many people can not read.

You have had so good suggestions, hope you get some space to think about all.

[Shesalittlemadam]

@angell84 studies have shown that when children are without their fathers - they have terrible lives

What a load of utter, offensive nonsense!!!!! How dare you

[Ghostoast]

@stophuggingme what a lovely thing to say, thank you so much

[Shesalittlemadam]

@plumbabe Excuse me? How on earth do you know what I, or indeed any of us, do for a living?

[PencilsInSpace]

You need to sort out your tenancy as a matter of urgency.

There's lots of good discussion on this thread about how best to arrange contact but whatever you decide, as long as he is on your tenancy you need to ask him nicely and get his agreement or else you need to go to court, because as things stand he has as much right to be in your home as you do.

As long as he is on your tenancy he also has actual material power over you. He can write one letter to the housing association and make you and your babies homeless. Here are your rights (assuming you have the usual long term HA assured tenancy):

Where there is a periodic tenancy, a valid notice to quit served by one joint tenant will end the tenancy. The remaining joint tenant has no rights to remain in occupation and the landlord is not legally obliged to get a court order to evict her/him. If, however, the landlord uses physical force to evict the spouse, s/he may commit an offence, so in practice the landlord should obtain a court order

If the joint tenant who has not served notice wishes to remain in the property, s/he is dependent upon the landlord's willingness to grant a new sole tenancy.

england.shelter.org.uk/legal/relationship_breakdown/marriedcivil_partner_joint_tenant/staying_in_the_home_long_term/solutions_not_involving_the_courts#2

Go to this page:

england.shelter.org.uk/legal/relationship_breakdown/marriedcivil_partner_joint_tenant/staying_in_the_home_long_term/solutions_not_involving_the_courts

Scroll down to 'Preventing service of a notice to quit'

• you can ask him nicely to sign an undertaking not to serve notice to quit
  

• you can apply for a court order to prevent him serving notice in certain circumstances but the law is flimsy and untested in this area. You don't have any settled rights in this situation.
  

It sounds like if blokey served notice to quit, in your area there's enough social housing that you could ask your HA for a new sole tenancy on your property and just get it. It's still worth being proactive. If he served notice - whether through deliberate vindictive malice or through sheer unthinking incompetence - it would at least be a pain in the arse you could do without.

And sorting the tenancy means he no longer has the right to wander into your home whenever he likes.

[Canuckduck]

Contact centres are not solely for dv issues. Many people use them for mh or addiction issues. The one I’m familiar with operates in a daycare / recreation centre in the evenings when it’s not being used. It was not home but for young children it was a pleasant, safe place to have their visits.

[lifeisgoodagain]

@Canuckduck they aren't solely for dv but if you haven't been referred by the courts it can be very hard to get a slot and the one I'm familiar with charges voluntary users a fee, there's a considerable waiting list. Not wanting to see someone is understandable but we need to be adults for the sake of the kids. Every time my stbexh slumps down on the sofa I feel myself resenting it but my dd needs his input in her life, and I need him to be there for her (she's an adult but has asd and mh issues).