To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

[noneedtoberudedear]

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

Thank you @flumposie

Yes. I’m impressed by the number of people on here who would remain utterly level headed if their DH abandoned them and their two small children just before Xmas. I hope none of them ever have to experience putting their theoretical restraint into practice.

Euuuugh doesnt have the fucking bollocks to look after his own kids but wants to swan in occasionally and play magic daddy. Men these days.

I feel bad for you OP. Don't know why so many posters are making excuses for this guy!
I really doubt the majority of them would leave their young child with a man who claims to be hearing voices! I certainly wouldn't!
I think I would explain to him that, if his mental health is as bad as he claims, he must understand it would be unsafe for him to be alone with the children, and you will wait for him to be assessed and treated before any regular unsupervised contact.
I have bad MH problems and am a single parent. It's fucking hard, but it is doable. I don't have the time/energy for gaming and band practice though!
Good luck with everything. I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your children x

Despite everyone telling you 'not to let him in' Whilst his name is on the tenancy there is no way you can legally prevent him . In the same way the usual suspects shout 'change the locks' (no you can't - unless you give the co owner a new key too)

Ideally he will respect your perfectly reasonable request to let you adapt to life without him at home, however until you have him removed from the tenancy, he can disregard your wishes and come and go as he wishes. Just depends on how much of an arse he is.

Hey OP, I think it's going to be very hard to plan and picture a future after such a huge emotional change. Your head is going to be all over the place.

Going forward I think weekend contact is better, he has probably been a lax father because he had you there to sort it all. My ex fell asleep with the kids a lot! His working day was going to the office and doing his 8 hours. He tuned out after that. But he was always too tired to get up with our kids but not to play on the Playstation till 2am.

I feel your pain, but you can't let him set the rules. He has no right to. Can you express for him to have them 1 day at the weekend? Most absent fathers don't get to pop in every night after work for their convenience while he gets the weekends to himself. So much of your situation resonates with me. But I truly believe in time you will be so much happier. Parenting on your own is hard but it's a lot easier when there isn't a lump of man you resent lazing around and draining your energy. He is no longer your problem, he can care for himself. Prioritise you and your babies. Oh and him wanting to just nip in wont be affecting the amount of child support he owes you, as he has them for zero nights he pays the full whack.

You can do this, it might feel like you're down a well but slowly you will grow stronger (might shed a few tears along the way) and suddenly you'll realise you've got this and it's so damn empowering

Just to say that me and my brother only saw my dad alternate Saturdays and it started off with just a few hours as he wasn't used to looking after us, my brother must have been a similar age to your twins.

We have a good relationship. What the access was, was regular and stable. Once we were older we saw him most weekends, we made our own arrangements, he lived very local to us so we might pop in and do homework at his house after school if he was home from work.

Please don't worry about starting with some weekend access only. I would see a solicitor too as you don't want to lose every Saturday to your ex once the kids are at school, maybe alternate Saturdays/Sundays? I would also consider moving to your DH picking them up from you and/or dropping them home afterwards (or to your parents if closer). Easier for you when you can drive too but don't fall into the trap of running the kids everywhere to make it easier on him.

If hes genuinely conking out and hearing voices it sounds like hes hammerng the weed to me

Butterflyflower1234 And am shocked at you.

The OP does not want or need her ex hanging around her house, the father has MH that may include psychosis and she has found him asleep or more than one occasion while looking after toddlers. She is casting around for solutions to enable contact to happen without putting their children at risk. And yes, she is naturally very angry with him as happens when people have just split up. Why are you so outraged?

I am truly empathetic but the brutal fact is that family law trumps a pissed off partner

Contact centres are mainly
Used when parents have been abusive , and under the law it takes a lot to get this far

As pissed off and angry as you are (with reason) it’s worth educating yourself on family law , your right and how it works

I read ‘divorce and splitting up ‘ on amazon and I am glad as it’s saved me and my divorcing friends slot of time and money
Why pay a Soliciter when a book which is annually updated can give you the basics ?
Wishing you well

Contact centre will cost you a fortune and they are not very nice.

They are his kids too, swallow the resentment, let him take the kids to his house and enjoy the rest.

Not a contact centre, the spaces are for those who need supervision. But it's reasonable for him to take them out, or possibly you could go and do something you enjoy (try on line dating!)

"I’m impressed by the number of people on here who would remain utterly level headed if their DH abandoned them and their two small children just before Xmas. I hope none of them ever have to experience putting their theoretical restraint into practice."

To be fair, what you need is rational responses pointing out things that you can't see in your emotional state (such as the contact centre being a bad idea). A bunch of posters just agreeing with you and feeding into your emotion is of no practical use other than helping you 'wallow' and I mean that kindly.

Gosh you’re getting a hard time here OP! I’m so sorry he has forced this situation onto you & your babies.
I assume you consider him safe to get on a bus with them? If so I would expect him to collect them & take them somewhere like soft play or library to spend a couple of hours with them - whilst he will be responsible for them they will not be alone so safety concerns esp wrt falling asleep will be minimised.
I hope you have very lovely plans for Christmas [santa]

I think it's worth stressing that he hasn't left yet and OP is still very much in the whirlwind of splitting up. I would really not have expected a sensible plan to be in place just now, when everything is so raw. Which is why it's a good time to create boundaries and not start anything which could later cause problems.

OP, could you tell him that you can't agree to anything long term until you have spoken to your solicitor? You might want to agree a short term timetable (say, he takes them out for dinner midweek, and takes them out on Saturday afternoons, preferably with a third party present) so that it can't be said that you are preventing him from seeing the children completely. But expecting you to just cave in and give him everything he wants immediately is totally unreasonable of him. You need time to think in order to make sensible decisions and also to get proper legal advice.

There are some really upsetting things on this thread.

OP, I have been in a worse situation than yours. I'm not saying this to trump you, but to say that I know how it feels to be in a horrendous situation with the father of your children.

That said: the only thing you should ever focus on is what is in the children's best interests. If you genuinely believe that supervised contact is the only option, you need to pursue this sensibly and via the law. Lawyers and courts are interested only in the best interests of the children.

You say: It’s so hard not to fling insults in the heat of the moment

If you find this is the case, you need to work on this now. Because your children are little and sweet now. But once they are teenagers, they may be very different. I am the most patient person on the planet, but even I feel like "flinging insults" to my youngest (15) when she's on a roll, and I have to leave the room at that point.

You seem to attach a lot of importance to your husband having been a shit "just before Christmas". Christmas is just another day. The timing means nothing.

Focus now on your children. Take advice on what would be best for them. Rage and cry at your RL friends, because you need to rage and cry at someone. But don't do anything in anger that would ultimately hurt your children.

He’s got MH issues, zonking out and isn’t responsible so I believe a contact centre is entirely appropriate. Go see a solicitor about the right way forward. Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. It’s not your job to pander to him anymore. He has to sort out his own contact. He has to work it out. He doesn’t get to come into your home. No. He has a home. Do you have a family member or friend who can supervise the kids in his house for a few hours at a time until you’re confident about his parenting

Sorry you are going rhough this OP. I personally wouldn't allow unsupervised contact whilst he is actively hearing voices and would suggest short contact somewhere neutral until his MH has been addressed. He can then build up to more regular contact, unsupervised when he is well including overnight one day. This may be years off obviously, just an idea.

There are some threads I have read over the years where that never happens and once the resident parent asks for more regular contact including overnights it separates the sort of dads from those willing and able to parent.

OP I'm shocked at the battering you're getting from some on here. I would ask social services for advice regarding his mental health. You need to be seen as protecting them from any dangers.
Get him taken off the tenancy as soon as possible. If he's on another tenancy through an association it might make it easier?
Put a stop to evening visits.
Weekends on neutral territory in town maybe, until a formal arrangement is in place.
Is there a friend or grandparents who can help if neither of you are driving? Bus trips must be a ballache with two at that age.

@Janderson Xmas really isn't just another day in the UK. The huge volume of threads about it on Mumsnet highlight this.

It is also pretty unsurprising that OP is struggling with not being insulting towards her STBEH, he is walking out on her and two very young dc. Twins are exhausting enough at the best of times.

I think the advice about limited contact in town for a couple of hours is sensible.
Then get legal advice, go through the courts for setting up a more permanent arrangement.
Highlight your concerns but don't be too surprised if they aren't given much weight.

Don’t let him have his cake and eat it. It’s not your job to pander to him anymore. He has to sort out his own contact. He has to work it out

But it's not about him! It's about the children. It takes both parents to work this out, together (and with help, if necessary - and believe me, I needed it, as XH abused ours, so I am not speaking from some kind of privileged position here).

Dreich, I have spent my entire life in the UK and know it's a big deal in popular parlance. But compared to children's welfare, it's no deal at all. OP's husband has hurt her, and the timing is irrelevant. Believe me, no court would care that he's done it in December.

Him in your bedroom if you're cosleeping and breastfeeding would be a no.
If he takes them out in the pram he'll just push and not chat.
If he does tea at yours, if they cry he'll just shout for you.

I think he turns up at yours at 3pm on Saturday. Hand over the children, tea and bath, bring them back in pjs ready for bed. Then he's still got responsibilities.

So give him a fixed length of time with tea and bath jobs to do, hopefully will keep him busy so no nap time for him.
Send only pjs. So he provides nappies, tea and toys. Just send pjs

Despite everyone telling you 'not to let him in' Whilst his name is on the tenancy there is no way you can legally prevent him.

Yes, this.

Another pitfall is that as long as you have a joint tenancy, either of you could unilaterally give notice to quit to the HA and that would end the tenancy for both of you. From what you have written he seems too unmotivated and lethargic to do this on purpose but there is scope for him to fuck up. What if he thinks the correct way to get himself removed from a joint tenancy is to send the HA a NTQ?

You need to make sorting out your tenancy a priority because at the moment you are not secure. He could make you homeless by writing one letter to the HA and he has exactly the same rights as you to live in your home or just wander in to play daddy whenever it suits him.

Find your tenant's handbook and see if there's a section on relationship breakdown and converting joint tenancies. If there's a procedure follow it to the letter. If you can't find what you're looking for phone them up and find out what you should be doing.

If the HA are useless then find out if you're allowed to assign your tenancy. If you are then ask him to assign the tenancy to you. You can generally only assign a tenancy once though so this would lose you the right to assign to another close family member.

Whatever the process is you'll need his agreement. Without that you'll need a court order.

The other problem with joint tenancies is when you claim UC they are likely to only pay half your housing costs. You are entitled to full housing costs if your partner has left but this can take a while to sort out because most of the time with UC you are talking to machines. Two names on the tenancy? Computer says no.

Agree with starting with some weekend contact. Either he comes and collects them then returns them or options are meeting in a neutral place and you or a family member or friend (if there’s somebody willing) to supervise, this could be at the supervisers house. I would try to get some sort of contact agreed soonish to stop him turning up as he’s saying. You could also ask staff at your local children’s centre (if your area still has them) or your health Visitor for advice.