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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

247 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:08

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

OP posts:
Scapegoatforlife · 04/12/2019 13:46

yabu to deny contact in the basis of being upset - how does that benefit the children ?

He is their parent as much as you and keeping contact regular during separation is really important, dont be bitter life very often doesnt go the way we plan but this is it now the choice has been made, dont let the kids suffer because if it

HollowTalk · 04/12/2019 13:48

So he decided to get a house a 45 minute bus ride away?

Is there something like a gym nearby, where you could go for an hour while he minds the kids in their own home? I know you hate the thought of him being there (and I would certainly put locks on some doors so that he couldn't enter them) but the hard fact is that you have to put the kids first. It's not in their interests to spend 1.5 hours on a bus.

If there isn't a gym or pool nearby, then I'm not sure what the hell you're meant to do. It's not on that you should have to stay in the house for his contact session.

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 13:48

If you have safeguarding concerns you need to raise a paper trail...if he goes to court to get more contact you will need evidence.

So either you have concerns or you dont .
You dont need to supervise in your house.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2019 13:49

In fact I think I'd have a camera set up to watch in case he went to sleep.

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 13:51

You have two options

  1. Just Let him have them at his house see how it goes

Or 2. if you have safeguarding concerns then get ss involved for a paper trail. Let them assess him.

If it goes to court it can't look like you prevented contact for no good reason. You need evidence.

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 13:52

What was the outcome of last ss contact? Did they determine he was ok?

PencilsInSpace · 04/12/2019 14:02

If you are joint tenants then as long as his name is on the tenancy you cannot legally exclude him from the home without a court order. You also cannot remove his name from the tenancy without his agreement unless you get a court order.

I'm amazed the HA let him rent another property while he's still on your joint tenancy.

ElluesPichulobu · 04/12/2019 14:06

@angell84 Why can't they see him at his house. That is the obvious answer if you do not want him at your house

Have you read the full thread? Of course this would be the obvious answer if he was mentally stable, capable of seeing to the needs of the DC and not likely to prioritise his own fun over their safety. The OP has concerns about this. We are not capable of judging whether those concerns are well-founded. If they are well-founded then the OP is under no obligation to mitigate the issues by letting her ex treat her home as his own and let her continue to do all the actual parenting work 24:7 while he gets to pop in and pretend to play happy-families when it suits him.

averythinline · 04/12/2019 14:07

Don't have him at your house

tell him he can arrange contact once he's moved.... the chances of this lazy uncommitted person ( i read the last thread and am very mm about his mh issues) actually doing anything is slim....

if he carries on working then he can maybe take them out on a saturday to soft play/ cafe or something - for a couple of hours maybe ...
I'd be surprised if hes even got the self respect to be a father for long....

Lunde · 04/12/2019 14:09

@angell84 could you try reading the thread?

OP's ex has MH problems, is hearing voices and is waiting to be assessed by the psychosis team! How is she being unreasonable wanting to make sure the twins are safe!

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 14:23

P.s a well run contact centre wont upset the dc.
They have toys books art small soft play space ...if that is needed the dc will be fine.
Find your local one and visit.
But find out costs and how to get referred

Bibidy · 04/12/2019 14:27

OP I know you're upset and this is such a hard time for you, but unless you have real concerns over his mental health then you need to let him have the kids at his place if you don't want him at yours.

I don't meant to sound too harsh here as I know you're hurting, but they are his children too and it's not really fair for you to say he can't have them because you don't trust him not to fall asleep. He has as much right to spend time with them as you do. I doubt he will have the chance to fall asleep if he's looking after 15-month-old twins on his own anyway!

Why don't you try him having them for short periods at his new house at first? This can be under the guise of giving the children time to get used to spending time alone with him and away from home. Or start off by getting him to collect them, take them out and drop them back to you afterwards.

Bibidy · 04/12/2019 14:28

Also I support your decision not to have him in your home, but it might be the lesser of 2 evils if it reassures you about your children's safety.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 14:33

We’ve already had contact with them once when his last counsellor raised a safeguarding issue with them

Because of this, you MUST contact them. You need to be seen to keep them safe, and you do have legitimate questions that they can help you to answer.

pelirocco123 · 04/12/2019 14:37

You are punishing the children , what ever the rights and wrongs about him leaving you have to put the children first
And parenting concerns are the normal excuses on here

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:40

@pelirocco123 So him claiming to hear voices, being under the care of the psychosis team and falling asleep while caring for them aren’t legitimate concerns?

OP posts:
Lunde · 04/12/2019 14:41

I have read your previous thread - you are right to keep him out of your home

This is the guy that thinks that him moving out because he cannot cope with family life and is hearing voices doesn't think he is actually breaking up - right? I think this is part of his plan that allows him to opt out of certain parts of family life while refusing to allow you to move on- If you let him he will continue to expect you to do the drudge work while dropping in and out being the Disney dad and expecting you to deal with the cooking. cleaning and washing etc. Will he expect sex as well?

I think you need to either request a contact centre for his MH or perhaps let him start with taking them out to tea/park/soft play etc for an hour or 2. If I remember correctly he has always refused to look after the kids alone

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:42

They aren’t excuses. If I thought he was fit I’d gladly let him take them. I’m bloody knackered from caring for them 24/7!

SS just rang him and that was it. No other follow up. The counsellor reported him because he told her we sometimes argue in front of babies.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 04/12/2019 14:42

Psychosis hearing voices and MH assesments are not 'parenting concerns/excuses' they're legitimate concerns shared by professionals for a reason.

Read the bloody thread.

OP is there a 3rd party adult who can act as go between for the time being?

stophuggingme · 04/12/2019 14:43

OP if there are the issues to do with his mental health and your having witnessed him fall asleep when supposed to be caring for babies then you need to formalise your objections and be prepared to fight it out in court. Seek legal advice pronto and get prepared.

Stand up for yourself and your children.

Lunde · 04/12/2019 14:44

@pelirocco123 - so you honestly think that OP should just ignore the fact that her ex has severe MH issues (on medication), is hearing voices and currently under assessment of the psychosis team? How is that safeguarding her babies?

YorkshireMummyof1 · 04/12/2019 14:44

@noneedtoberudedear I'll admit I missed the psychosis part as I was reading in a rush.

Don't let him have them at his until he has been assessed by social services. I'm sorry but that IS your next step.

I know people have had problems with them before, my experience with them was only positive but I understand that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I understand you don't want him in the house, I would set boundaries. He can put the kids to bed. He can read stories. But hes not there to have a cooked dinner by you. He puts them to bed, he leaves.

Mental health issues are a valid reason, not to restrict contact but to negotiate and control it. Social Services are there to help you, or at least they should be.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:45

@Lunde he doesn’t refuse to look after them alone, but he’s never really taken them out anywhere alone (other than round the doors in their pushchair)

We’ve moved from the not breaking up bit. I’m firmly in the ‘I can’t divorce you fast enough’ camp now. But yes, not being able to cope with being a husband was a big part for him. Coupled with the fact I’ve told him to leave before in arguments. Conveniently overlooking the fact that the reason I would say that is because he seems as miserable as sin living here with us!

OP posts:
Silencedwitness · 04/12/2019 14:48

I remember your previous thread. He’s been offered various treatments but hasn’t bothered to engage, rarely looks after his own children and spends more time gaming and playing in his band than he does engaging in family life. Is there a softplay locally where he can take them of a weekend? Or can he take them to the park? On one hand yes if possible kids should see their father but he sounds selfish. On the other I wouldn’t be leaving them alone at night with him. If he’s a good parent he’ll engage in treatment, knock the gaming on the head and get involved with his kids. From the information you gave it sounds like he wants to do some bits of parenting (not the hard bits) so he doesn’t look awful. He’s 28 isn’t he?

I think you need another compromise that doesn’t involve him dropping in because all it sounds like is he’s doing a bit with your support but doesn’t want to really be part of the family. Like you I’d be furious. He’s an adult, it’s not up to you to have to force a relationship. I suppose I come across unsympathetic about his MH. I have MH issue as does one of my children but I can’t opt out.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:49

@SpinneyHill there’s my parents but they all get on horribly at the moment for obvious reasons.

@YorkshireMummyof1 he’s getting no dinners. Especially given him leaving is significantly reducing the household income. I wish he would read them stories. He never does. Won’t even try!

OP posts:
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