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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

247 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:08

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

OP posts:

IdleBet · 04/12/2019 13:14

Tell them he can take them out for tea or to a soft play nearby.

He won't bother but at least you've given him the option.

Do not have him at your house. This is the easy way out for him.

He needs to make an effort if he wants a relationship with his DC.

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:15

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet I don’t think he would say that. He wouldn’t want them FT. I think one of the reasons he’s really leaving is because he can’t be arsed with FT fatherhood.

OP posts:

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:16

@Lifecraft It’s a HA house. Both our names are on the tenancy but I’m going to look into
getting his taken off.

OP posts:

angell84 · 04/12/2019 13:16

So you don't want him to be alone with the children, and you also do not want him to come to your house, and see them, evenwhen you are there to supervise him.

That is a bit cruel isn't it. What is he supposed to do then. You are blocking him from seeing his own kids.

Don't take your anger at the break up out on your own children.

Let them see him!

YorkshireMummyof1 · 04/12/2019 13:17

@noneedtoberudedear I hate my ex with a passion. I'm nice to his face.

For a while the only time he could see DS was by coming to my house. I would reluctantly let him spend Friday to Sunday at mine, and I would go to my boyfriends. He's not the best parent, and neither does he look after my house well. Silly things like leaves a block of cheese unwrapped in the fridge so it goes rock hard, cooks pasta, leaves pasta water splatters. All of this drives me crazy. However I prefer that to him taking DS to his flat to be honest. I hate that he's in my new home but I'm putting up with it because I feel if hes in my house I still have a modicum of control.

So yes, I agree the thought of him being in your house enrages you but maybe actually - it would be better for you in that sense? Contact centre probably isn't appropropriate unless there are other issues? But I have no idea about that

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:18

@YorkshireMummyof1 You sound like an angel. You’re definitely a better woman than I am!

OP posts:

angell84 · 04/12/2019 13:21

It always continually baffles me when I see the thousands and thousands of threads on here from mothers, bashing their exes and their in laws, and wanting to cut off total contact.

Why do women do this? Is it a power and control thing? Is it because they feel that they own their children, is it because they weren't loved when they were younger, and want to control the situation so that their children are only allowed to love them and them alone.

I think it is a power, control and jealousy thing.

It is getting totally out of hand

MsPepperPotts · 04/12/2019 13:22

Don't let him have any access at your home to see the DTs.
He sounds as though he is not capable of looking after anyone.
Let him take it to court.
You will probably find that he won't really be that bothered about seeing them as he won't be able to stay off the Playstation or internet for long enough.

YorkshireMummyof1 · 04/12/2019 13:23

@noneedtoberudedear

Oh I grumble all the time and send him photos of every thing I feel is a transgression. Did you do this? Treat my house with more respect!

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 13:23

It always continually baffles me when I see the thousands and thousands of threads on here from mothers, bashing their exes and their in laws, and wanting to cut off total contact.

The op doesn’t want to cut off contact. She just wants it to work for her.
Nice way to set up a straw man though.

timeforawine · 04/12/2019 13:24

Hi OP, sorry your going through all this. I totally get where your coming from, but if i had concerns about his ability to care for them i would suggest 1 night a week at yours he comes and does dinner then bed and that it until he can prove he can properly care for them or you feel more at ease him coming round more often (no way would i allow every night though)

IdleBet · 04/12/2019 13:25

wanting to cut off total contact

Most women would love their Ex to want to be a good father to their DC. But they should actually want to. You can't force them into it, and you shouldn't bend over backwards to accommodate it.

angell84 · 04/12/2019 13:27

@purpledaisies she has said that she does not want him to see them in her house, and she does not want them to go to his house. That is so sad to me. That is blocking alot of contact.

What I think it all boils down to - is that many women are convinced that mothers are important than fathers. Which is not true at all. So many studies have shown that when children are without their fathers - they have terrible lives. He is a very important person.

But more children will be blocked from seeing their fathers, and we will have the next generation of unhappy and struggling children.

Trying to get through to mothers who hate their exes is a very, very hard thing to do. The first thing that alot of them do, is use the children to hurt him.

Until the governent steps in and advocates for fathers rights, this abuse will go on and on.

Or unil women begin to see the damage tjat they are doing to their own children.

Whichever comes first

JasonPollack · 04/12/2019 13:28

Nah he can get fucked there's no way you need to be letting him in your space like that. I think start with short visits on the weekends where he can collect them from you and take them to the park for a couple of hours, or out for their tea. Then, hopefully as he gets more confident with them, he can collect them and take them to his.

It's not your job to make his parenting easier-- that's the opposite of what he's doing for you!

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:28

@angell84 I don’t want to stop him seeing his DC. I just don’t think it should be all on his terms when he’s the one choosing to leave us. Surely that just teaches my children that fathers swan in and out at will while mothers do the shit work?

OP posts:

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 13:29

Court is a last resort, not a first. It's better for everyone to reach an agreement privately rather than go to court. It also costs.

And you don't just get to block a parent's access until you have evidence that they're safe to look after them. The basis is that a child has a right to access to their parents unless and until there is good reason to believe there is a significant risk of harm. I am not a professional, but he's currently working, socialising and doesn't sound like he has a live psychosis, or if he does it's not interfering with the activities of daily life. And falling asleep when the other parent is in the house but in a different room for a while is not really something that would be seen as a massive risk. So far his behaviour does demonstrate that he's uninvolved and kind of lazy, but that's a long way from "incapable". And if it did ever go to court, I don't think a family court would look kindly on contact being blocked for those reasons.

magoria · 04/12/2019 13:29

I think start with him picking them up from yours after work and taking them somewhere local he can give them tea once a week for a couple of hours.

He can the drop them back with you and go home.

Build from there to a half day on Sat or Sun. He comes and collects and takes them out to soft play or something. Until you think he can cope with them overnight.

Don't let him do this in your home.

Howshelaughed · 04/12/2019 13:30

I did exactly the same as yorkshiremummy. He wasn't capable of looking after dc so I was also present. He never stayed overnight though. I swear it destroyed me, I hated him with a passion & he literally made (still does) my skin crawl. But it was the only way I knew dc was safe & able to see him. You need to set really strong boundaries. Took me ages to click this is actually my house & you can't just swan in when it suits you. It was awful but I would have been ill with worry if he had dc alone. There were a few times I allowed it but it always ended in disaster & I was left to pick up the pieces. That's even if he decided to show up! I'm biding my time & keeping my mouth shut. Dc beginning to realise he's a waste of oxygen.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 04/12/2019 13:32

OP has said that she would love the DC to go to his house, but he's showing signs of psychosis, he falls asleep when he's supposed to be watching them, and he doesn't do much of the parenting currently anyway.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/12/2019 13:33

OP is merely saying that her ex coming to her home most evenings after work is not on. He wants the easy life and prioitises all night gaming over real parenting.

HE left, not OP, and it's not right that he gets to pick and choose the easy bits of parenting, all cosy and meals provided at OP's house.

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:35

Thank you @WeirdAndPissedOff I would have zero objection to him having them at his if I didn't have concerns about his parenting.
It’s hardly my fault he falls asleep watching them and has never properly taken them out anywhere. I genuinely don’t know if he would even cope with taking them for tea alone. He gets stressed sometimes just feeding them in the house and they are really chilled out children.

OP posts:

Perisoire · 04/12/2019 13:36

@lowlandLucky

But he doesn’t want to have the kids at his house, he wants them at OP’s house!

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 13:36

If you have concerns about his mh due to recent appointments contact ss for advice
If he is actually ok I.e
Can work and play games then he can step up and take them.to hishouse orto cafe orpark

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:39

@Embracelife I’m worried about SS getting involved though. We’ve already had contact with them once when his last counsellor raised a safeguarding issue with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 13:40

@Perisoire he has offered to have them at his. I’m just concerned about it due to the reasons mentioned on the thread.

OP posts:

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