To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

[noneedtoberudedear]

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

[Newernewist]

Also he will be retaining an element of control by coming by when ever he wants.
He leaves, he can just waltz in and out, you say you are feeling anxious, he is being awkward, and this is just the early days.
Put your foot down now, he sees them at his house end of story

[OrangeZog]

I’m sorry but I think you need to try to look at what is best for the children. I don’t think a contact centre is the right place but I do also agree that you have the right to have your boundaries in place. If he wants to do bedtime and dinner, why can’t he do that at his house during his contact time?

I’m sorry you are in this situation.

[Figgygal]

I would definitely object to having him coming back into my home I think you'll have to allow him contact at his place until he proves he's incapable unfortunately to deny out right will just seem petty

[Sneezeandooops]

How on earth will him coming round to do bedtimes and dinner help anyone, what an ass. He will have to do what many others do and have the children visit him at his house, unless there is a reason the contact centre would be needed

[Embracelife]

A contact centre can be used if significant mh perhaps if ss and his mh team involved.

But drop dc off at his let him learn to manage.
He does not have to be in your house at all.
DC handover at door or in public place.

Here you go bye see you later
You need to do this from beginning (I didn't and it did not end well)

[HouseworkAvoider10]

Nope.
He's a tosser.
Tell him to sort himself out.
Change the locks on the house.

[Figgygal]

Make him pick them up and return them what arrangements do you have in place for contact or is it too early days ?

[OrangeZog]

Perhaps I should suggest taking them to his new house to see him? Which will be a pita as I don’t drive (getting lessons) and his new house is 45 minutes on the bus.

As I understand it, as the parent who has moved away then travelling for contact is his responsibility. Obviously at the same time you also want to balance that with what is best for your children so if there are occasions he can’t travel and you can do the bus journey, that’s different.

[Embracelife]

Does he have a car? He can pick them.up

[Mollychristmas]

You both need to set up contact time at his house straight off the bat.
Don’t start with allowing him at yours thinking he will eventually take them to his. It needs to be clear cut straight away that x, y and z are happening and it happens the same each week.
It’s better that way for you and the children.

[dreichXmas]

He doesn't get to drop in and out of your life with the dc, he has to create a new one with them.
You though have to let him do so.
If this proves unsafe for the dc then you move to a contact center.

[ohprettybaby]

It will upset the children more to go through a contact centre. It sounds like he is trying to help them by retaining their familiarity in their usual environment.

Equally they will need to get used to his living environment too because, as they get older, it isn't going to be appropriate for him to always visit the DT at yours. (You may each have new partners).

You have to accept, sad as it is, that neither of you will have your DT for 100% of the time again. You will share them. I would try and accept this at the earliest opportunity. Either tell him he has them at his home on his time with them or accept him visiting them at yours until they are a bit older.

Unfortunately you don't have time to think of your own feelings just now. The children's welfare has to come first. It is a very sad situation for you though.

[Newernewist]

Is your house owned or rented, is he on the tenancy agreement?

[noneedtoberudedear]

I’m worried to leave him alone with them though. I don’t trust him not to fall asleep. He already has several times.

I’ll speak to the solicitor next week.

He’s already on medication for his depression and saw the psychosis team last week as he says he’s been hearing voices. He hasn’t heard back yet.

I’m starting to feel his MH is selective though. He can’t cope with family life, but he can cope with being in a band. I’ve also just found out he’s started up some gaming channel and is talking to people on it every night, getting them to subscribe etc

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He can pick them up!

Honestly love, he’s opted out of your marriage and it’s not your job to make his life easier.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

can he have them at his house, for short, daytime periods to start with? ie when he is likely to do something with them and not fall asleep?

I wouldn't agree to him being in your house, its not fair on you at all.

Is there anyone who could supervise his contact to start with if you are very worried? a parent, sibling maybe?

sorry I didn't read your prev thread so my advice may be no use.

for you op x

[noneedtoberudedear]

He doesn’t drive. He’s supposed to have been booking lessons for ages but hasn’t. Hopefully I will be driving soon though. I’m nearly test ready and have a car ready and waiting for when I pass.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

he only works up the road and wants to come round after work etc

Nope. he can come and pick them up after work, take them to his house and give them dinner there.

Otherwise you'll still be doing all the cooking, and he'll take the credit for being such a wonderful dad. Bleugh.

Start with shorted visits; then work up to overnights. If you have safety concerns, go back to court and go through a contact centre. He make sure he knows this.

[Cheeseandwin5]

Ok so you dont want him to come over to the family home to see the kids but also dont want him to take the kids to his.
So apart from him and your kids suffering what do you want?

[noneedtoberudedear]

His family all live hundreds of miles away unfortunately. My parents would probably do it if I asked. He’s not their favourite person right now though unsurprisingly.

[noneedtoberudedear]

@Cheeseandwin5 stuff his suffering. He’s the one leaving his Wife and children just before Xmas!

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Sorry, just saw that neither of you drive.

That's going to make things complicated if he lives 45 mins away. Why is he moving so far away, knowing that it's 45 mins on a bus? Because he assumed he could just drop into your's every night. Cheeky bastard..

[Brakebackcyclebot]

What is on the children's best interests? This has to be at the centre of your mind. The children are not yours, or his, they were born of you both, and having a good relationship with you both is in their best interests and will minimise the disruption to them. Research shows that children are damaged by divorce when their parents use them in their conflict, or involve them in their fights. You need to keep your anger towards your H separate from your arrangements over your joint children.

You say you are angry at him leaving. Do not use the children to satisfy a wish to punish him. I work in this area and the fallout can last years.

I have assumed no history of abuse.

Unless there is a history of abuse then a contact centre is totally inappropriate and I'm not surprised he reacted badly.

[noneedtoberudedear]

If I thought he was a competent father I’d have no issue with him taking them. God knows I could use the break. He’s the one falling asleep while watching them, not me. He’s only so tired because he sits up on his PlayStation until all hours of the morning.

[ReanimatedSGB]

If your concern is that his MH makes it unsafe for the DC if he has them unsupervised, then, at present, the answer is that he doesn't see them. Unless you could manage something like a weekly trip to a local park/softplay/kid-friendly cafe where he can spend time with them and you can be near enough to keep an eye on things yet not have to engage with him. They are more important than him at present. And, whatever some people might say, it's better to have no contact with a shitty father than have to spend time with a father who is abusive, neglectful etc.