To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

[noneedtoberudedear]

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

[Perisoire]

@Auxurdeu it might be due to his mental health

[FoamingAtTheUterus]

YABU. Don't punish your children to punish your ex husband. That isn't fair on them.

[Molly2010]

I don’t have any personal experience to offer but I just wanted to say give yourself some time. You don’t need to make any big decisions right now. This is incredibly raw and new. It’s ok to say you need some space and time to work though it all and get yourself together.

[Lovemusic33]

Sorry but YABU, this isn’t about you, it’s about your dc. Him seeing them at your house means his time with them is supervised by you, your dc’s get to spend quality time with their dad in an environment they know. Would you rather he took you to court and got access to have them stay at his new home?

Let him see his children, push for him to get help for his mental health issues and tell him he won’t be having unsupervised contact unless he seeks help.

Don’t punish your children for something that’s not their fault.

[Ormally]

@blackteasplease …. your first paragraph. This.
I have a friend with a DS who is in this position. Her former partner doesn't live in the same country and, partly due to his movements, also gives very little to no warning when he can come and visit his son (not often and not for long). One of the things that has broken my heart is the fact that through the ages of about 2-3.5, most nights while he was in his cot going to sleep, he would call out and cry for his Dad for a long time and nothing my friend could do on her own would help. Such pain for both of them and I suspect the sudden appearances and disappearances contribute quite a lot to this. A few years on there have been a number of issues around settling into school too.

[BringMeTea]

YANBU. Not at all. Do NOT be guilted or manipulated into agreeing to this. The whole psychosis thing is enough alone for a firm no to him having them unsupervised. The DC being safe is what's best for them. Not appeasing a shit dad.

[ElluesPichulobu]

Contact Centres are for when the non-resident parent needs supervision - ie if there are suspicions that the children may not be safe alone with their other parent and may not be capable of putting their child's needs first. Dozing off on the sofa when there's another capable adult in the house isn't the same as conking out on drugs and being semi-comatose while the toddlers explore the knife drawer. You probably aren't the best placed to assess whether he is a genuine risk to his children or not, so if you have concerns then report them and let competent professionals assess whether he is capable or not.

You are very much not unreasonable whatsoever to say that he can't have contact in your home though. You have the right to your home being your own space and facilitating contact between the kids and their dad does not include having to share your personal space with an ex. He can taken them to McDonalds or to the local library etc if he doesn't want to drag them across to his place.

[dreichXmas]

I think that it would be reasonable to say that he needs an assessment by the mental health team before he has the dc.
Then once you have the assessment he either uses a contact center if there are significant mental health issues or if as seems more likely this is another way of ducking out of responsibilities he sets up contact outside of your home.
He starts by taking them out for a couple of hours while he gets used to having sole care of them.
He is going to be too busy to fall asleep.

[Perisoire]

@Lovemusic33 utter codswallop.

He doesn’t even feed his kids now yet wants to come over for dinner?

Yeah right he wants to keep a foot in OP’s door.

[noneedtoberudedear]

@Auxurdeu He took a private rent but through the HA if that makes sense?

@woodchuck99 He was seen by the psychosis team because of the voices. I was at his assessment though and the HP didn’t seem too concerned that he has psychosis. Obviously it is a consideration though and a strong reason I worry about him having them alone.

@ChuckleBuckles he’s waiting to hear back from psychosis team. They are supposed to be contacting him this week. I could try speaking to them.

I’m starting to get a bit about all these claimed MH issues tbh. It doesn’t stop him doing the stuff he wants to do, just the harder stuff like engaging with his family.

I’m very bitter today. A bitter old woman as I believe he called me earlier.

[IdblowJonSnow]

In this particular situation I would want to supervise whether at yours or out and about. Yanbu at all to feel the way you do, but I'd also have concerns for their safety.
But if he comes to yours it must be on your terms and what's best for you and the kids.
It's all very new changes, it must be so hard. In time it will calm down and you'll come to some arrangement. And as a PP said you dont have to decide everything right now.

[lowlandLucky]

I can understand why he was furious that you suggested a contact centre, i would have been too. He has a house so he takes them there, simple as that. He chose to leave to so he now has to see his children on his own. Take the keys off of him and make him ring the bell when he comes to collect the children.

[noneedtoberudedear]

@IdblowJonSnow (that username is everything btw) I hope it will calm down eventually. It is an utter nightmare atm. We were at Relate yesterday and just ended up yelling at each other. I’m still cringing for the poor counsellor!

[EleanorLavish]

OP, like an awful lot of many he will make a big deal about having plenty of contact, and all he will do with them, blah,blah,blah...
9 times out of 10 it lasts a month. Relax about that.
He has left, he sorts contact, you just facilitate it.
Good luck.

[WrappedInABlankie]

This man doesn't usually do dinner or bedtime and falls asleep when he's suppose to be watching them but now suddenly wants to?

He claims to be hearing voices and is waiting for a call back from the MH team

And people are seriously saying you'd leave your young children with him 🤨 🙄

[EleanorLavish]

Men not many

[LeekMunchingSheepShagger]

Yanbu at all op. Don’t let him in the house. In fact I wouldn’t let him have contact at all until you’ve spoken to a solicitor to see where you stand.

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

YABU.
In your situation I would rather be there when he is with the kids rather than alone at his place.
But you can't really stop either.
Also, to other posters - he's a shit for leaving his wife? So he should just suck it up and stay with her? It's acknowledged that it's worse for children to live with unhappy parents than for them to separate.
Separations happen all the time - better than the old days when people had to just put up with it and stay and be miserable.

[Goldenchildsmum]

I might have got this wrong but if you're the primary Carer doesn't your ex need to organise visitation rights via the court? So he can have them each Saturday between 8 and 5 for example, once visits are all legally cleared.

I'm a bit at him randomly popping over to your house to put them to bed???

Who has ok'd that level of child contact?

As I say, I might be wrong but it all seems very odd to me

[noneedtoberudedear]

@EleanorLavish Despite my current fury, that actually really scares me. I don’t want them to not see their dad. It’s all so awful.

@WrappedInABlankie He does do bedtime just not alone. It’s always a joint effort, unless I’m out (which is rare unless I’m at college) He never cooks though and will just sit eating his own food while I feed them their dinner. That’s why I said if he’s going to come for dinner time he has to actually make the effort to feed them.

[BlackSwanGreen]

You need to find something that works for you, OP.

How about if he comes in after work as he has suggested to do supper and bedtime, but you go out while he’s here (to the gym, shopping, to a cafe)? Would that be a compromise? Then he is properly helping as well as seeing his kids and you get a bit of a break, but they’re in a familiar environment.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

I think that until you have evidence that it is safe to leave him alone with the children, it's fair to insist that a third party supervises contact in a public place like a café or park. I doubt the psychosis team will be able to tell you anything without his permission, but the fact that he is involved with them would be enough for me to be cautious.

But whatever else, stop him from coming into your house. Tell him in advance that he isn't allowed in any more, then keep the door locked (change the barrel on the lock if you have to). He wanted to leave, and now he will live somewhere else. He needs to realise that he has no control or rights over your house now. It sounds like he wants his own freedom and space, with minimal responsibility but isn't willing for you to do the same. I would also worry about giving him ammunition- is he likely to say that he was forced to come round every day because you aren't coping or are neglecting the kids? Might he make a claim that you are effectively not their main carer?

I'm sorry you have to face this, it must be very stressful. I hope that meeting with a solicitor will make things clearer and give you somewhere to start from. Make sure you claim for maintenance straight away.

[angell84]

Why are you putting yourself first before the children though? They need to see him.

Why can't they see him at his house. That is the obvious answer if you do not want him at your house

[noneedtoberudedear]

@BlackSwanGreen Unfortunately me going out wouldn’t work as we live in quite an isolated area. It’s a thirty minute bus ride to the nearest place with any life in it after 5pm. Obviously once I’ve passed my test that will (hopefully) make things easier.

[Lifecraft]

Is your house owned or rented, is he on the tenancy agreement?

This is key. OP, is it actually your house?