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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

247 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:08

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

OP posts:
woodchuck99 · 04/12/2019 12:36

Ordinarily he should see the children in his house. However the fact he has been in contact with the psychosis team and says that he is hearing voices is very concerning. I think you should talk to a solicitor about this.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:36

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy it was the first house the HA offered him so he took it. I’m also quite Shock that he took one so far away.

@Brakebackcyclebot I’m not trying to punish him, but what am I supposed to do? Just have him wandering into my house and doing meals/bedtimes like he never moved out? Isn’t that also confusing for the children? He’s opted out of family life full time so yes, the thought of him waltzing in like Disney dad and buggering off for a full nights sleep does stick in my throat.
I’m probably not thinking quite clearly yet but I didn’t think my DH was suddenly going to leave me before Xmas. I only suggested a CC as an idea. Like I said upthread I don’t really know how they work. It was just a thought I had.

OP posts:
MrsFoxPlus4Again · 04/12/2019 12:38

I wouldn’t make any decisions out of anger. You don’t want him in your house, you don’t want him taking the children, getting a bus is a pain in the arse, so assuming travelling to a contact centre will be equally annoying and costly. Then if you do go to his what are you going to do? Sit in a room in silence because your mad at him? I’d just let him come round on designated nights to see them in your home. You don’t need to travel, spend money, can chill in another room.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/12/2019 12:38

Tell him to piss off, who the hell does he think he is to be making demands on you after leaving you with his two babies to look after?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/12/2019 12:39

No, no and no. Tell him to take the dc out for their tea. Less chance of him falling asleep on the sofa then too

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2019 12:40

When he fell asleep, were you in the house? It may be that he allowed himself to fall asleep because he knew you were there as 'back up' and that you (presumably) were also keeping an eye on things. It could be that when he has sole responsibility he'll stay awake. If you're unsure, is there another person who can be with him, like his mum or a sibling?

I absolutely agree, he doesn't cross the threshold until YOU feel comfortable with him being in your home (if ever). When my BFF left her ex she wouldn't allow him in her new home. Their marital home was full of bad memories of his behavior and she said she wanted no such memories of him in her new home. He picked up their son on her doorstep.

runoutofnamechanges · 04/12/2019 12:40

So he may possibly have psychosis. That puts a different spin on things. It probably wouldn't be appropriate for him to be looking after the DTs alone until he has a diagnosis/you have sought professional advice.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/12/2019 12:40

Yadnbu. Been there. Supervised contact. Say he can do it with an agreed helper.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 12:40

Falling asleep (when you are also around or expected soon) is not really reason to justify a contact centre. They haven't come to any harm in his care thus far and he will have to wake up, quite literally, when they are at his place in his sole charge.

I do get your concerns, but you have to give him the space and the chance to step up. If he doesn't after that, then you reassess. But it's best for your children to be cared for in a home environment as normally as possible.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:41

@MrsFoxPlus4AgainI won’t be able to chill in another room though because they will just cry for me. Especially at meal times and bed times.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just asking for opinions/suggestions. I’m not trying to be unreasonable but yes I am very upset that my DH is leaving us all. How can I not be?

OP posts:
aveenos · 04/12/2019 12:42

Perhaps I should suggest taking them to his new house to see him? Which will be a pita as I don’t drive (getting lessons) and his new house is 45 minutes on the bus.

he moved away so I would let him pick them up and drop off again.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2019 12:42

Missed your post about his family not being nearby. Perhaps a friend?

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 12:42

Does he fall asleep when you're there to see it and take charge?
Selective sleeping too

blackteasplease · 04/12/2019 12:43

I had one that wanted to do the waltzing in and out as he felt like it too! They don’t like set times or the responsibility you see. Best to have you always on duty, and they can just visit as it suits them.

Mine never did the things he was suggesting he could do - like dinner and bed time routines - when we were together either. I used to beg for help with the bedtime routine as I found, and still find, it hard not having a set time I can switch off at the end of the day without having to climb a mountain first. As I’m sure we all do!

And he kept falling asleep all the time when we were together too. No mental health problems so it’s a bit different but the falling asleep was a way of getting out of doing anything he considered mundane.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 04/12/2019 12:43

@MrsFoxPlus4Again very sensible post! Agree 100% any decision made now from anger and bitterness will come back to bite you on the arse.

Ok he’s left you, but MN advocate not staying in an unhappy relationship, it’s an unfortunate timing but would you genuinely prefer being lied to daily being in a relationship with someone who didn’t love you? That’s no way to live. I’d agree on set days and times for now and when they get a bit older set up a court mandated schedule if you want, when he can have them in his own house etc.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:46

@WhoKnewBeefStew Taking them out for tea could be an option. It will be a wake up call for him. He’s never taken them further than round the streets in a pushchair alone.

@AcrossthePond55 I was upstairs getting ready, so yes, I was in the house. He was fast asleep on both occasions. Unfortunately his family are a long war away, but I’m sure my parents would help.

@CmdrCressidaDuck I hear what you’re saying and I know you’re right. I’m just so scared of something happening to themSad

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 04/12/2019 12:46

I commented on your last thread OP, I am so sorry it has come to this and warned you that he would attempt contact in your home at meal times for "convenience" (his, not the kids). Let him take them out for their tea and spend time with them, but really if his mental health is as bad as he is claiming (hearing voices) is he safe to be left in charge of the DC? Is there anyone you could seek guidance on this from, GP, solicitor, his MH team ( has he contacted them again or is he still ignoring their follow up calls?)

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/12/2019 12:47

He still has a great deal of growing up to do, but seems to prefer living a teenlike single life. Don't allow him to come round to yours after work - he'll expect you cook a meal for him and do all the running round after the DC as usual.

Perisoire · 04/12/2019 12:47

It sounds awful but I don’t 100% trust him with them. I’ve caught him asleep on the couch twice in the last week when he was supposed to be watching them. I’m scared it might happen when I’m not around and they end up getting hurt.

It’s better that he learns to take care of them his self rather than you letting him have contact in your home.

Perhaps I should suggest taking them to his new house to see him? Which will be a pita as I don’t drive (getting lessons) and his new house is 45 minutes on the bus.

No no no! He left, he got a house far away, he picks them up for contact at his house.

the thought of him waltzing in like Disney dad and buggering off for a full nights sleep does stick in my throat.

Yes this is what he plans. Don’t let him get away with it.

WrappedInABlankie · 04/12/2019 12:47

A contact centre isn't at all unreasonable whilst he's claiming he's hearing voices, waiting a call back from psychosis and not able to watch his children without falling asleep leaving them unattended.

No chance I'd let him have them on his own or let him use my house as a supervised contact centre

dreichXmas · 04/12/2019 12:47

It is absolutely fine to be clear that he has chosen to leave the family home so he cannot drop in and out.
He isn't the only person who needs to look after their mental health, you do too and having good boundaries is part of that.
You have been left to sole parent the dc and need to look after yourself.
It is his responsibility to set up his new life in a way that enables him to see his dc.
It isn't your job, you will have plenty to do.
He might want to think about other places he can take dc, soft play areas, parks, animal farms, libraries, museums etc. But this is his job not yours.
However angry you are dc shouldn't become a battlefield but that doesn't mean that you cannot be clear about his responsibilities.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 04/12/2019 12:47

@noneedtoberudedear then they are also going to cry for you if you let him take them out, in a contact centre, whenever. It’s not worth making them sad about.

woodchuck99 · 04/12/2019 12:48

I'm a bit perplexed by the fact that you and other posters are focusing on the fat that he has fallen asleep when looking after them. Whilst not great isn't the potential psychosis FAR more worrying? Perhaps people haven't noticed this because you only mentioned it somewhere down the thread. Weird.

Auxurdeu · 04/12/2019 12:48

I am amazed that a married man in a family home has been able to secure him self a HA house so quickly.
Your area must be different from mine.

Charmlight · 04/12/2019 12:48

If he’s hearing voices and falls asleep when he’s supposed to be watching them then they’re not safe with him.
Could you tolerate him in yr house at a stipulated time / duration, rather than ‘’ dropping in’’?

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