Partner never takes his keys

[jumper1234]

He will thing me to come home as he's forgotten them again or he'll knock on the door so I have to stop what I'm doing to go and let him in. Tonight he walked the dog and I was hanging curtains and heard him get back so I opened the window and said you'll have to wait if you've forgot your keys as I'm busy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but this has been going on for over 5 years and even when I don't rush back right away he says I'm unreasonable to get so angry about it and why can't I just help him and not complain. I don't even know if that makes sense but honestly it drives me mad I have to stop cooking tea etc to go and let him in. So aibu to not want this to continue or should I chill out about it like he says ?

@SarahNade my family still live in the small village I grew up in. Someone brazenly walked into my cousin's house recently and picked up their laptop and walked back out with it in the 5 minutes it took for my cousin to hang out washing on the line.

My cousin never imagined something like that would happen to them. Like you said, small community...everyone knows each other and people are normally pottering around their homes when they are home so don't think to lock the doors.

As the door wasn't locked insurance won't pay out either. Thieves are largely opportunists. Don't give them the opportunity!

Sneak in burglaries are relatively common in many areas of the UK, including the nice ones. Several of my colleagues have had handbags, cars, laptops, phones, money etc stolen by people walking into their unlocked houses. And these are the ones that live in nice, Mumsnet approved, areas of the city. So standard police advice is to lock your doors, even when in the house.

But OP, your DP sounds like a controlling arse. I bet that he manages to take his phone and his wallet when he leaves the house, so why not his keys?

There's no way I would be jumping up to let him in if you're in the middle of cooking, hanging curtains, in the bathroom etc. If he has to wait on the doorstep, it will give him time to come up with ways he can remember to take a key with him.

It's not about not helping him, it's about him being a grown up. Remembering to take a key is something that most people get to grips with during their first year at secondary school. He's had over a decade and he's still not mastered it. WTF?

So where did he live before this?

He can't always have had someone on tap to let him in can he?

Our door can only be opened from the outside with a key.

Fine if someone has genuinely forgotten it, but like fuck am I going to trail around from wherever I am in the house to let in people who are too lazy/ignorant/selfish/controlling to take their own key!

Either bone idle lazy or controlling and keeping you in place. Either way he is BVVU

He's got in a loop of behaviour which doesnt really cause him much problem because you are there to get him out of trouble each time. In effect you are reinforcing the behaviour. He doesnt like it when you tell him about it.

A note on the front door "Remember to take your keys" A similar note on his car window?

Have you thought of a spare key hidden somewhere outside so he can get in ... but I bet he'll never put it back and that would then be down to you to sort out.

I agree with the comments about you going out (though it is an inconvenience for you too) but at least he will be inconvenienced too and that may help him to remember in the future.

I feel your pain.

We’ve got a 4 month old and my partner ‘forgets’ his keys every day, meaning if I go out I’m always conscious I need to be back by the time he would get home from work.

Don’t even get me started on when I have finally managed to get the baby asleep on me and he knocks on the door

Infuriating.

WTF is wrong with these useless men? Do they forget what they're supposed to do at work, constantly forget their passes that allow them entry to the building, or where their workstation is?

LLMD No, you don't need to be back in time to to let him in when he gets home from work. That is not the solution to his problem. The solution to his problem is that he takes a fucking key or waits outside.

"I’m always conscious I need to be back by the time he would get home from work."

More fool you then.

How do even know that he has forgotten his keys?

@LLMD seriously? What a ridiculous situation you've got yourself into! Why are you enabling him??? I honestly can't get my head around this! Just stop!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

LLMD, what would happen if you weren't home, or you just made him wait if the baby was sleeping? I certainly wouldn't be rushing home to let him in because he couldn't be bothered to take his keys.

I know he’s forgot his key because it’s on the table.

If I’m not home he will likely just go to his mums until I am or to get the spare key.

It’s annoying but it’s not the end of the world. He’s forgetful and has been the whole time I’ve known him.

Ok, but I wouldn't be rushing home to be there when he's forgotten his keys. His problem to solve!

It’s annoying but it’s not the end of the world. He’s forgetful and has been the whole time I’ve known him

But what did these all people do before you came along? Were they regularly late for work.bevause they forgot stuff and had to go back for it or missed the bus?

Did they live in detention at school for forgetting their books and homework all the time?

Do they forget to buy beer, cigarettes, snacks, phone credit?

Are they wasting away cos they forget to eat?
Do they otherwise manage to make it to pubs and football.matches and darts games ?

How are they all employed if so useless?

Get a spare key cut and attach to his car keys at least then you know he’ll have them if he is out in the car.

I’d also make a point of saying a couple of times when you know he’s likely to forget I’m busy with x today so I can’t come home and let you in, and then don’t l. Preferably when it’s raining.

"I know he’s forgot his key because it’s on the table."

So easily visible he just cba to pick them up?

And people make excuses!

He's only forgetful because he has minions like you & his mum!

I actually think this is quite sinister. He knows he should carry a key but refuses to and won’t listen when you tell him this is causing disruption to your own activities. I can’t remember which book/website I read recently but it was a story about coercive control in which a man refused to carry a key and expected his partner to let him in at the drop of a hat. The impact of this is that she curtailed her own life and activities and was mostly stuck at home (where he wanted her) in case he needed to get in.

I think he’s controlling you and doing this deliberately, especially as you have tried to talk to him about it and he’s brushed your (perfectly valid) irritation off.

Next time he doesn’t take his keys, make sure you are out. See what his reaction is. Then you’ll know if he’s ‘forgetful’ or an entitled, controlling arse. I know what I’d bet on...

Get a spare key cut and attach to his car keys at least then you know he’ll have them if he is out in the car

Shall we place bets on what excuses will be made as to why the key cant get attached to the car keys..

Too heavy
Scratches interior
Ruins his pockets
Makes them too visible swinging about and is distracting.

There will be a reason

Dickhead.
Show him this thread.

Sarah

Of course, he might not have a car, so no car keys to attach to.

But seeing as every single one of these 'forgetful' men probably never leave the house without their phone or wallet if they use one, then there's simply no excuse and because their partners are martyring themselves or are scared of what the reaction would be if they didn't facilitate them to be like this, there's no consequence of having to wait outside in the cold and rain, and so they continue.

@SarahTancredi I mean, the none existence of a car is probably the main excuse.

I don’t think it’s a controlling thing, he’s not annoyed if I’m not home, more of a “oh crap, I’ll go to my mums” etc.

I agree, he remembers the phone every day! It’s madness. I nag often

Well to be fair if theres no car it woukdbt have been a suggestion so theres no excuse.

For the rest who managed quite happily to survive for 30 years before they got married theres always an excuse.

Unless every woman on MN married to one of these men digs the unwashed, smelly, not changed pants in decades look?

Very controlling and really unreasonable to turn around on you to make it your fault for being "unhelpful".

I probably wouldn't refuse to let him in if i was at home but there is no way i would come home from where I was to let him in. That needs to stop now. I don't buy that he is so forgetful as to do this all the time. If he truly is cognitively impaired in this way then he should be taking responsiblity for finding a solution such as a key box or a combination entry. Not you.

@jumper1234 - the thing is he's an adult. He forgets his keys, he doesn't get back in. It's very simple. When he goes out, you go out a few minutes afterwards and don't come back for some time. Go for a long walk yourself. Or run a bath and turn the music up loud so you can't hear the doorbell, so you can't answer it. Just stop being his butler.
This comment got to me:
Thing is I have left him for over an hour before and he turns it into an argument of how I can't ever help him when he needs
No. He has to help himself. This is what grown-ups do. They leave their house with their keys so they can let themselves back in again. This is utter nonsense.

Don't buy a key safe. Don't pander to this any longer.
Tell him that from tonight (or whenever you have the conversation) that you are not his mother and you're no longer going to be his butler either. He goes out, he must bring his keys. End of.

But what did these all people do before you came along? Were they regularly late for work.bevause they forgot stuff and had to go back for it or missed the bus?

I'm forgetful all the time and yes I'm regularly late for work because I forgot stuff / spent time looking for things and missed the bus. I compensate for my scattiness as much as I can by being quick witted and able to think on my feet.

Either bone idle lazy or controlling and keeping you in place

I'm glad my DP isn't as quick to condemn as you lot.

I have ADHD. I'm never going to stop being scatty but can try to mitigate it. (The key safe is a great idea, but he'd have to actually put his key back after using it for it to work). Deliberately locking me out is just going to end up with me being locked out, it won't magically improve me memory.

It might be controlling behaviour, that's a possibility that shouldn't be ignored. But also, he might well have issues with executive function - like undiagnosed ADHD for example.

A LOT of adults with undiagnosed ADHD about.