Partner never takes his keys

[jumper1234]

He will thing me to come home as he's forgotten them again or he'll knock on the door so I have to stop what I'm doing to go and let him in. Tonight he walked the dog and I was hanging curtains and heard him get back so I opened the window and said you'll have to wait if you've forgot your keys as I'm busy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but this has been going on for over 5 years and even when I don't rush back right away he says I'm unreasonable to get so angry about it and why can't I just help him and not complain. I don't even know if that makes sense but honestly it drives me mad I have to stop cooking tea etc to go and let him in. So aibu to not want this to continue or should I chill out about it like he says ?

Go out and " forget" your phone.

My dd has remembered her since she was 10/11.

It's a power play. I assure you it is regardless of how he behaves the rest of the time. In fact controlling people and abusers often manage to do these things to people without them even realising.

Dont enable him. Go out.

Give his mom a spare set so that every time he forgets them he can go and bother her instead. She'll soon kick him into touch, or he'll get so fed up of being stuck there for an hour every time (because moms like to keep you talking!) that he'll magically learn to remember his keys.

@jumper1234

He does it because you let him.

Stop enabling his behaviour. Don’t interrupt what you’re doing to rescue him.
Ask him why he can’t ‘support’ you by acting like a responsible adult and remembering his keys as expecting you to be at his beck and call is deeply unattractive.

SarahNade, of course the door will be locked when I am at home. Just as it is when I am not.

I don't want some tosser just being able to quietly let themselves in wherever I am, and believe me I know someone that happened to.

Also, locks such as Yale ones automatically lock when closed behind you. Which has pluses and minuses of course - you can't forget to lock the door, but you can easily lock yourself out if you didn't pick up your keys on the way.

I wouldn't come home to let him in. I'd show him this thread next time he whines about it. Remembering your keys is basic, he needs to grow up.

Bet he remembers his phone every time he leaves the house, you can buy little hooks which stick on back of a phone case. Get him one and attach his house key to it. Not that it's in any way your responsibility to sort out your man child but it may save you effort in the long run.

Good plan jumper

Now you've noticed some big things keep an eye out for them in other areas of life and stamp on them now.

1. He is selfish: he thinks his time is more valuable than yours, he ignored your requests to make an effort to take keys.

1. He does not own his mistakes: he starts arguments and doesn't fix the problem. Again, selfishly not caring about the impact on you.

1. It might be a power play that you don't see yet. You'll soon find out by how apologetically he handles your new tactics. Increasing anger means power & control. Apology and remembering keys always means selfishness now overcome.

1. You enabled for 5 years where most people wouldn't. You've got doormat tendencies! Watch out.

Ask him to come to you to collect keys. Rather than dropping what you're doing to bring them to him.

Maybe you need to go out and forget to take your phone?

OMG that is so annoying. Get a necklace with the keys on it and put it around his neck !

I don't see the problem. I lock my door for the kids so I have to physically let dh in even if he has his keys: it takes literally 2 seconds so it doesn't bother me!!

I can understand locking the door if both are not home. But when you're home, why would you lock the door? I have never heard of that before. Unless you live in NYC or somewhere. I didn't know there were people who locked their doors even when home, and their other half was yet to come home. Even from memory growing up mum and dad really only had one house key to share (one spare hidden somewhere outside). I don't think dad even had keys on him ever. Mum always had them, as she was always home, while dad was at work.

I would caution against lending him your own keys to get in while you are out. He doesn't sound responsible enough or capable enough. He will nip out again while you are still out and leave both sets inside. Then what?

Just leave him to wait outside and stew whenever he *forgets" his keys. Just get on with your day and let him learn his lesson the hard way. Then refuse to engage beyond spelling out that he is an irresponsible twat and you will no longer be available to pick up his pieces.

@SarahNade are you in America (judging by your NYC comment)?

Last week (in the UK) two masked men rang my partners GP's (both in their 80s) doorbell, barged in to their house, held them hostage, beat them up and robbed them of everything of any value that they own.
Probably best to keep doors locked around here!

Where we live we have had random people walk into the house mistaking us for a nearby B&B. We started locking the door.

In previous houses the door self-locked on closing.

I've lived in areas where people would have tried doors, reached in and grabbed your keys, bag whatever from the hall.

I like to know that someone can't just walk in if they want. DH feels even more strongly than me about this. He likes the door locked.

Being locked in is pretty normal.

Hi OP,
I frequently forget my keys and it drives DH mad. My excuse is that I have to remember everything for baby and 3 yo when going out (it’s like we’re packing to move house each time we nip out!) I get that it’s annoying for DH and since having the kids I live in fear of being locked out with 2 bawling kids and DH an hour away so I’ve bought a key safe. It’s great. Suggest your OH does the same (his responsibility to sort it out not yours!)

@GiveHerHellFromUs No, Australia. But when I think of crime, home invasions etc I guess I automatically think of places like NYC, or I guess London. Or inner Sydney. Apart from that, it never would occur to me that people lock their doors during the day. Though, it is probably a good idea. Here we have fly-screen doors, and people are often out on the front verandah anyway, or in the front lawn or something. So no point locking the door when you're outside the door, I guess. I dunno. I've never thought about any of this before, maybe I should. Though in our area we often go over the road to the pub or down to the shops and not lock up. It's a small town where everyone knows everyone.

I lose my keys all the time, always have. Also my phone, bank card, hair brushes etc etc.

Last year I was diagnosed with ADHD. (Inattentive type, which basically means I'm not hyperactive).

I wouldn't have had a clue I was anything other than scatty had I not gone through the process of SEN diagnosis for my eldest and the penny dropped.

A lot of adults with undiagnosed ADHD around. (And ignorant people who say things like - nothing wrong with them they're just not trying hard enough).

It’s pretty normal to keep your front door locked these days, unless you’re in a very rural area or maybe a small village. Even growing up in a fairly safe suburb we had a Yale lock on the front door.

GiveHerHellFromUs oh my goodness that's horrendous. How are they, are they coping OK? That could be seriously traumatising.

Have the criminals been caught?

I agree it's a power play.

Get a key safe. Text him the number. Go out for coffee and forget your phone is in the car.

(Although I always notice on Australian soaps nobody ever seems to lock their door - I presumed that was just for TV purposes but apparently not!)

@arethereanyusernamesleftatall they're doing ok, thank you. Bruised and sore and scared but they'll get there.
They're going to move to one of those sheltered neighbourhoods (where there are carers available in they need them and they have shops and hairdressers and things).

They haven't caught them yet unfortunately but luckily one of the intruders cut themselves so fingers crossed they're in the database somewhere.
Police have taken swabs of everything and they saw on of their faces as their mask slipped so would be able to ID them if necessary.

We live in a very nice area and we've had someone walk into our kitchen and take my handbag and mobile phone, I was in the next room. Lock your door and remember your DH being stuck outside in the cold is because he forgot his keys so it's his problem to solve. Women are conditioned to think that they should solve the problems of inept and lazy men - as demonstrated by all the suggestions here of things the OP can do (and occasionally her DH's mother) to solve this problem.

I always lock my door when I'm home. We live on a quiet cul-de-sac wihere houses are set at angles to each other so you don't see other people's front doors and most people out at work during the day.

Often have random people knocking door trying to sell something (or casing the place).

I always think of possibility of someone breaking in to assault you rather than burgling. No-one would see or hear a thing here.