Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner never takes his keys

215 replies

jumper1234 · 02/12/2019 20:34

He will thing me to come home as he's forgotten them again or he'll knock on the door so I have to stop what I'm doing to go and let him in. Tonight he walked the dog and I was hanging curtains and heard him get back so I opened the window and said you'll have to wait if you've forgot your keys as I'm busy. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but this has been going on for over 5 years and even when I don't rush back right away he says I'm unreasonable to get so angry about it and why can't I just help him and not complain. I don't even know if that makes sense but honestly it drives me mad I have to stop cooking tea etc to go and let him in. So aibu to not want this to continue or should I chill out about it like he says ?

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 03/12/2019 00:48

Get a hobby.
You know one of those ones that takes up vast amounts of time. It takes precedence over everything else. And even better, make it one of those elusive ones we hear about 🤣

RollOnNextYear · 03/12/2019 01:01

My ds purposely forgets his keys as aparantly it's too much like hassle to put them in his school bag
Meaning I have to often cancel plans to be back home for him to return. Or I get a text saying can I collect him. Which he did last week. Yet sch finished and he decided to go to a sports club and turn phone off. I was meant to be collecting him then go to a neighbouring town.
After 15min waiting, the toddler creating. I drive off. And carried on with my plans. He then rang and said can I come collect him as his club finished.. Nope son. Walk,
He was sat on doorstep when I got back.. And it was chilly.
He's taken his keys since.. I realised for months I was being a mug and allowing it.
To be honest he could of waited at a relatives who lives one street away. But thought he'd guilt trip me. Didn't work

DaveTheDesigner · 03/12/2019 01:20

You are enabling. He’s a d*ck. Sorted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/12/2019 01:20

Thing is I have left him for over an hour before and he turns it into an argument of how I can't ever help him when he needs.

And the next time you leave it 2 hours, then three... and 'forget' your phone. Because if he forgets keys, you can forget your phone, right?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/12/2019 01:22

No point in getting a key safe.
If he can't be arsed picking up his keys on his way out, he's hardly likely to put them in the safe as he leaves.
I know, the OP can make sure there is a spare set in the key safe before she leaves the house or gets in the bath ConfusedHmm

BlackCatSleeping · 03/12/2019 01:49

Next time he does it, go out for 3 hours and forget your phone at home. When he complains, don't rise to it.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship though. This would be a red flag for me.

sillysmiles · 03/12/2019 01:58

If I was at home it wouldn't bother me, but persistently coming home to let him in would bother me

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2019 02:01

Don’t buy him a nest lock. Don’t buy him w key safe. Tell him you want to be in a relationship with an adult and you will rescue him 1x per year for forgotten keys.
Next time you are catching up with his parents tell a funny story- I was telling some friends how tommy always always forgets his keys and expects me to come running to let him in even if I’m out- we all agreed it’s ridiculous but would you believe one suggested i buy him a key lock! Like I should turn his shoelaces and warm his milk for him -I’m not babying my boyfriend. So ridiculous. Chuckling all the while.

It’s a really bad sign op and you are pretty young. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are other bad signs. You should go away for a weekend with girlfriends to give him a few days to practice remembering his keys. Bet he will.

OvalCanvas · 03/12/2019 02:04

Are you very sure that he's not controlling op? I'm not in the habit crying LTB but my exh did this as part of his abuse package. I stupidly let it go and thought him to be forgetful , 10 years later I was afraid to go any further than a short walk away because he'd shout if he was left standing waiting for too long. Sometimes 'too long' was the time it took me to wipe if I was on the toilet.

I forgot my keys once , he promised to be there immediately if I waited on the doorstep. Turned up 2 hours later full of beer. What does he do when you need his help op?

Preggosaurus9 · 03/12/2019 02:12

It's a nice little reminder that he is more important than you and while he is allowed to go in the outside world you must stay at home 24/7 like a good little wifey. What a charmer!

Beveren · 03/12/2019 02:27

Put a large sign on the door where he will see it as he goes out saying "Go and get your keys, Knobhead".

OrangeSlices998 · 03/12/2019 02:32

How does this manchild function in everyday life? Does he get into the car and realise he forgot his car keys? Does he get to the till at the supermarket and realise he has no wallet? Get to the gym and discover he has no trainers? Course not because he makes a point of remembering what he needs like we all do! Next time he doesn’t take them and you make him wait, don’t just accept his argument about you not prioritising him, challenge it. ‘You have pockets, why didn’t you take your keys?’ ‘Did you remember your wallet today? Right so you can remember your keys?’ ‘I’m not your mother it’s not my job to wait here for you to let you in.’ I’m just baffled how someone reaches age 23/24 and doesn’t do the ‘keys/wallet/phone’ pat down of themselves before they go out!

CoupeCourte · 03/12/2019 02:43

You don't sound like the angry one to me, OP.

My partner has done this on occasion - I let him in with good grace, but about six months ago when he did it twice within a week I told him I wasn't going to get into a routine of interrupting what I was doing to come and let him in and he would need to make sure he took his keys. He said yep, sorry and hasn't done it since.

He's trying to make you into the bad guy when he's the one creating the problem and pestering you to let him in - don't let him. Leave him outside, ignore his texts, when you come home hours later and he's furious smile serenely and tell him to "chill out". He's baiting you with the 'oh you never help me' shit, don't rise to the bait.

FinnsLeftSpoon · 03/12/2019 03:14

Don't buy a key safe. If he needs one, he gets one.

Not our monkeys, not your circus.

And as a PP said, it takes two to argue.

Topseyt · 03/12/2019 03:37

My DH has always been a bit of a disaster area with his keys, but he has never expected me to come running and put it right for him. I haven't either, and he has improved a lot over the years.

Stop being at his beck and call. Don't engage in his power play arguments beyond stating that you are not his housekeeper and if he continues to fail to take his keys with him he will have to accept that he will find himself locked and you won't come running.

He is almost certainly continuing to do this because you are enabling him to. It is twattery. Let him learn that.

AxeOfKindness · 03/12/2019 04:16

OP, don't you have those nice, new noise cancelling headphones to try out for your audiobooks/Netflix while having a lovely bath?

My favourite thing about a bath is that when it gets cold you can just keep topping up with hot water for hours.

fastliving · 03/12/2019 04:23

Key safe.
Just go into the loft/have a bath etc so you can't hear your phone/him knocking.
Otherwise you've got another 70 years of this bullshit.

PerkyPomPoms · 03/12/2019 04:28

You don’t need to come up with solutions. If he wanted to he would remember the keys. Go out after he leaves, with keys and sans phone - enjoy some long leisurely activities and give no fucks if he bitches.

LellyMcKelly · 03/12/2019 04:36

He’s just showing you who’s boss. Does he manage to take his phone? Wallet? Get himself out for work on time? Then he can 100% take his keys. He’s an adult behaving like a controlling toddler for attention. Don’t be available to run to help - go out when he goes out - go to the gym or to see a friend. If he lived in a shared house he’d remember his keys. He’s just being a dick.

Derbee · 03/12/2019 05:00

He’s an arse. You shouldn’t have to come up with solutions.

A key safe only works when people put the keys back after using them. And doesn’t forget the code. It sounds like he couldn’t be trusted as he’s selfish and stupid.

Basically you have to make this much more inconvenient for HIM than it is for you

This is exactly right. Next time he goes out, you go out. Ignore your phone. Put it in flight safe mode for a couple of hours, and go and do something nice.

If he keeps “forgetting” his keys, you keep “forgetting” your phone. If he doesn’t change, you may want to give some thought to whether you want a man like this for the rest of your life

MarleneandBoycie · 03/12/2019 05:39

My DH did this early on, it is just inconsiderate because they know someone else is there to help them/run round after them. I just completely ignored the door. Have a bath or go to bed with earphones in. It completely stopped after that.

Stooshie8 · 03/12/2019 05:55

Does he think you are his Mum?

Butterymuffin · 03/12/2019 06:03

I would stop answering my phone when he rings. Let him leave a voice mail and then if it's key related you can be busy for ages and oh dear I just didn't hear all the missed calls.

GameChange123 · 03/12/2019 06:04

Show him this thread?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/12/2019 06:08

Change your locks to ones where you have to use the keys to lock the door as you leave.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.