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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even try to breastfeed second baby

168 replies

Blahh243 · 29/11/2019 23:11

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 29/11/2019 23:14

You don’t have to breastfeed if you don’t want to. You also don’t have to do all or nothing, you can mix feed if that may work for you. You can also decide to formula feed from the off - whatever feels right for you is the right decision.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 29/11/2019 23:15

YANBU OP. I’m not pregnant (or planning) but I’m 100% certain I won’t breastfeed due to how it made me feel with DS2. I BF him for 20 months and hated it by the end. It made my PND so bad. I’ll never put myself through that again. My first Dc was formula fed and there’s no difference in the two of them healthwise. Formula is a perfectly good food for babies.

calmama · 29/11/2019 23:16

YANBU but I’d rethink this thread if I were you, OP. There will be people who come on and get really nasty about your and other women’s decision not to breastfeed despite all of what you said. It won’t be pretty and definitely not what you need to hear at this point. All the best with whatever you do and congratulations Flowers

mynameiscalypso · 29/11/2019 23:17

I BF for 5 days and hated every minute of it. If I were to have a second, I wouldn't consider it for a moment. The impact on my mental health and ability to bond/look after my child wouldn't be worth it.

switswoo81 · 29/11/2019 23:21

Yanbu I didn't breastfeed either child. I think it's beautiful and worthwhile but was not a journey I chose to take and it is not a decision I regret .

Namelessinseattle · 29/11/2019 23:22

If you were saying you want to but couldn't go through that again I'd say wait and see and you can decide or change your mind for the next 20 odd weeks. But if you actually don't want to then don't.

I really wanted to first time around but it got to a point where I felt I was force feeding him so I stopped and my only regret is that I didn't seek the right help rather than I didn't feed him. I fed second time round and was probably a bit too obsessive.

PumpkinP · 29/11/2019 23:23

ITs up to you, plenty of people don’t attempt bf. Ff is the norm in this country. You don’t need others to tell you you don’t have to.

Namelessinseattle · 29/11/2019 23:24

Actually no I've better advice, weigh up the pros and cons of making the decision now. If your sense of relief is greater than misplaced guilt then make the decision now. If you think you'll worry about it till the baby is born and the guilt and bad mom in your head etc etc then wait till the baby is born to officially decide and try put the decision our of your head till then.

Iggii · 29/11/2019 23:25

I breastfed dc for a total of 5 years but I would not recommend anyone do it for whom it was causing distress and feelings that your skin is crawling. If these feelings magically go away when the baby is here you could have a crack at it. If they don't, you shouldn't.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 29/11/2019 23:25

see how you feel when your baby is born. It’s great you’ve talked honestly as a couple and you can now take each day as it comes, no pressure to do anything you don’t want to.

MummaGiles · 29/11/2019 23:26

I didn’t even try with DS2. Went straight to formula. It was the best decision for us as a family. We had feeding issues with DS1 which really affected my mental health to the point of me crying every time I recounted the story at my antenatal/HV appointments for DS2. There was no pressure at all from health professionals to breastfeed second time round, I think because I was so unerring in my decision. It was fine, and I have absolutely no regrets about it at all. Do what is best for you.

Highfivemum · 29/11/2019 23:26

I totally understand. You have to do what is best for you. It isn’t best for the baby if it isn’t best for you too. I have five children and one on the way. I have bottle fed all of my children. All my babies are Happy heathy children. I had rude comments form midwives and hospital staff for my choice. I based my descion on my medical condition that results in me having to take daily medication that I didn’t want my children exposed to but still I was treated like a bad mum for my choice not to breastfeed. I was happy not to and my children were happy as I was happy. You must do what you are comfortable with. Your health mental an pysical is important for you and your baby. Good luck.

danadas · 29/11/2019 23:27

No of course you are not being unreasonable. FF is a completely legitimate choice. I do think mums should give the first feeds for the colostrum if they can but even that isn't then end of the world if they can't/really don't want to.

MirenaManiac · 29/11/2019 23:31

Would you consider setting a target of feeding for 3 days, so your baby gets the vital first few days of colostrum to kick-start its immune system? If you know that you've given yourself permission to stop after that, might it feel like something you could try?

This article on "[[http://www.lightlink.com/hilinda/Diane/weanbaby.html What if I want to wean my baby?]] " is quite good for summarising the main gains to be had at each stage.

Lololololola · 29/11/2019 23:33

Your boobs, your choice. You may (or may not) change your mind when your baby is born, so my only advice would be to see how you feel when you have given birth.

Xyzzzzz · 29/11/2019 23:35

I didn’t want to breastfeed my dd and didn’t even try. She’s formula fed from birth and she’s fine, gaining weight and we have a great bond. It’s your decision op.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 29/11/2019 23:35

I got myself very worked up over bf for dc1 and 2 (it felt so desperately important and really overshadowed my first few months and was difficult). Oddly dc3 bf straight away and easily . I had spent my pregnancy preparing to go straight to bottle feeding without guilt but dc3 had other ideas and did it well from the beginning so it was actually the easiest option in the early weeks. Hardly any cluster feeding either.
Try not to pressurise yourself. See what feels right when your DC arrived and be prepared for either feeding option.

myduckiscooked · 29/11/2019 23:35

I totally get you. I’ve bf. It was difficult. I don’t underestimate the difficulties. I don’t underestimate the mental hardship if you cannot achieve bf if you hoped to. You know what is right for you. Do that.

CareOfPunts · 29/11/2019 23:36

YANBU. I made the same decision when I had my second baby after a short lived but shit experience trying to BF my first. I wish I hadn’t bothered trying with him either tbh it wasn’t worth all the upset of the failure. No regrets here, I just preferred bottle feeding anyway.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 29/11/2019 23:36

Ive bf alll my three but i was happy too no issues etc. Do what is right for you and your family. Despite what people think nit all bf mums are attacking fierce vipers. Your mental health is priority x

CareOfPunts · 29/11/2019 23:38

I BF for 5 days and hated every minute of it. If I were to have a second, I wouldn't consider it for a moment. The impact on my mental health and ability to bond/look after my child wouldn't be worth it.

Yep that was me @mynameiscalypso. I would rather not have had another baby than have to BF ever again. Not for me.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 29/11/2019 23:39

Bugger typos. Bf while typing argh. But your body , your choice. Just make sure your partner isnt a lazy ass and helps you. I always made sure mine did help. I always made sure mine took a bottle as well from 1month so they could help x

Lipperfromchipper · 29/11/2019 23:41

OP! You do you! Don’t feel bad about it...do what’s good for you...happy mummy=happy baby. I breastfed my first for a year and then with my second things didn’t go the same way do introduced formula at 5months! I battled with that...WHY?? I have no idea.. Sad but NOW I realize, it’s important to listen to YOU when it comes to these things!no one else....just you!

Mulhollandmagoo · 29/11/2019 23:42

God no! You're not being unreasonable at all Flowers

You have to do what's right for you, and I can imagine that agonising over it all through your pregnancy won't be good for you, nor will compromising your post natal mental health or risking the bond between you and your newborn! If you don't want to don't, lots of babies for whatever reason are formula fed from birth and absolutely thrive!

LittleMsM · 29/11/2019 23:50

It's your choice YANBU, your body, your choice - however, it could be potentially a healing experience, if it goes better, I think hypnotherapy etc might be worth a try or some other therapy - if you want to try and see. I had a baby with reflux, and I had one without, so that might happen... but you totally have the choice. I would see about fixing the damage done mentally - and then seeing how it goes... then it would be a real choice. I don't see how you or your partner could consider chosing to put yourself through that without some intervention.